Rules, Rules, Rules
by MiSSxMELON
Summary: The Gryffindors and Slytherins of Snape's Potion's class are driving Snape crazy! Absurd rules are posted on Filch's list...exactly how did these come about? (No gum, frisbees, matches, ect.)
1. Gum

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.  
  
A/N: I was inspired by a certain fic that you might recognize. I didn't steal anything, but the 'plot' if you want to call it is similar. If you have a problem with this, please let me know so I can take this down.

**Gum**

**By: Helen Li**

Ginny Weasley walked by Finch's office to read his new list of rules. On the very top was **'No Gum Chewing. –Professor Snape**.'

_Hmm I wonder how that rule came about.

* * *

_

Draco sat next to Pansy during Potions class. It was quite boring for him, considering he had learned all of this from his father. _But I bet perfect Granger gets all this right...stupid Mudblood. _If Draco had put forth the effort, he could easily exceed Hermione, but he was the type to just coast in with whatever grade he received. _Does it matter? I'll be a Death Eater anyways._

"Psst, Draco! Try some of this." Pansy whispered to Draco. She handed him a small, rectangular shaped object wrapped in tin foil.

"What is it?" Draco whispered back.

"Gum." Pansy replied under her breath.

Draco shrugged and unwrapped it, placing the cinnamon gum in his mouth. He chewed it...and smiled. _This doesn't taste so bad..._

"Where did you get it?" Draco asked curiously.

"Oh it's some muggle invention, but it's pretty good." Pansy replied.

Draco's eyes widened. _A muggle invention? You stupid filthy-how dare you give me this contaminated food? Do you not realize I am to be a Death Eater? Are you that idiotic?_

Draco then spit it out in disgust.

* * *

Harry forced himself to keep his eyes open. _Oh but what does it matter...Snape would give me a horrible grade even **if **I did this right..._

Out of no where an ABC gum hit his shoe.

_Ugh! Who spit that at me?_

Harry picked it up slowly, his face twisted in outrage. He quickly flung his hand about until the gum unstuck and flew away. Shaking his head and muttering 'absolutely revolting' he turned back to face the boring lecture.

* * *

Seamus Finnegan was busy creating a sling shot in the corner of the room. A piece of gum attached itself to the rubber band. _Hmm, I suppose this will work fine as my first ammo._

Grinning, Seamus aimed it at Malfoy, but the gum was stubborn to go off. Frustrated, Seamus tried again, but he didn't aim carefully and didn't see where it went. _Oh well...I'll just wad up some paper to use.

* * *

_

Neville Longbottom didn't even bother hearing the lecture as he doodled on his parchment. It wasn't like it would actually help him do it right. No, he was Neville and prone to disaster...that was the way it would always be. But then suddenly a piece of gum hit his quill.

But Neville didn't notice, as Snape barked at him to pay attention. Neville's eyes quickly turned back to the Professor and then after Snape looked away, he turned back to his parchment. Sighing, he gnawed on his quill only to taste the cinnamon gum.

_Eww! What's this?_

Neville quickly spit whatever was in his mouth and gagged. As he tried to recover from the horrid experience, he started doodling again.

* * *

Hermione was busy taking notes to every word Snape spoke. It was quite annoying to Snape, but he had already mentioned that to Hermione. Concentrating hard, Hermione felt something in her hair. She turned around, expecting it to be Ron who probably tried to cut off some of it. But she found the pink gunk in her hair instead.

"Ew!" Hermione accidentally squealed out loud. Snape's head turned to Hermione immediately.

"Twenty points from Gryffindor for disrupting class." Snape snapped. He turned around to resume his lecture.

"But sir! Someone threw gum in my hair!" Hermione protested. Her eyes were in tears now as she tried to remove it.

* * *

(Everyone's POV) 

_Ha, I didn't know it would hit Granger. Mm, finally something exciting to watch in Potions besides Snape insulting those Gryffindor freaks!_

_Oh no, I didn't mean to fling it at Hermione!_

_So that's where the gum went..._

_Ew, that **pink gunk **was in my mouth?!

* * *

_

"Sorry sir, I was the one who did it." Harry said sheepishly as he raised his hand. "I didn't mean to though."

"What are _you _talking about Potter? I know you want to be my friend and all, but don't try to act heroic by covering it up." Malfoy sneered.

"What are _either _of you talking about? I'm the one with the sling shot. Sorry Hermione, I wasn't really aiming." Seamus admitted.

"Hold on, I'm the one who spit it out. What is that stuff anyways?" Neville asked suspiciously.

"I'm the one that spit it out." Malfoy argued.

"That was in _your _mouth before?" Neville exclaimed. His face turned a deep shade of green as he threw up on the floor.

"Ew!" everyone in the class said as they backed away from Neville.

"Silence!" Snape yelled. "Now will all of you care to explain?"

All four began speaking at once.

"ONE AT A TIME!" Snape roared.

So they each told their story and finally fit it all together. Snape decided they all were not to be punished but he _did _make it clear...

"NO MORE GUM CHEWING IN CLASS!"

A/N: I might add some more like...a small series of how other rules came about. Would anyone care to give any suggestions? I'll write another one if I think up another 'rule' or whatever. So review please!


	2. Frisbees and Boomerangs

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.  
  
A/N: I've changed the title, obviously, since I've decided to just add to this whenever I have an idea. Thanks for the idea, **KilianaLupin**! I'll use the rest later! Thank you my reviewers! **JeanMarie, Gurlsboy, Storywriterdiva3, clothespeg-rules, super nova 8610**!

**No Frisbees or Boomerangs!**

**By: Helen Li**

Luna Lovegood strolled down the hallway dreamily. She was busy reading The Quill, of course, and walked straight into the wall. Rubbing her head, her eyes fell upon the same list of rules, but she noticed something quite odd.

**No Frisbees or Boomerangs! Added by Professor Snape**

"Strange, I wonder what a Frisbee or Boomerang is." Luna murmured to herself. "Oh well."

"Harry! Harry, look at this!" Ron said eagerly as he shoved a round disc into Harry's face.

It was too early for Harry; they were in Potion's class early since most of the class hadn't finished the potion from the day before. But Harry was glad Snape wasn't there to torment them at the moment.

"A Frisbee...?" Harry said, confused as he rubbed his eyes.

"Yeah! My dad got it from a muggle artifact. It's quite fascinating!" Ron went on explaining about the simple toy.

Harry remembered the Frisbee when Dudley had it. Dudley probably broke at least three vases in the house with it.

"Here let me demonstrate," Ron grinned. He threw the Frisbee only to have it hit someone in the back.

"Who threw that?" Malfoy said angrily as he turned around.

"Uh-oh," Ron muttered. He looked down and scuffed his foot, pretending not to notice a thing.

"Weasel? What, is this your father's newest muggle toy?" Malfoy sneered. "Well let's see how that works."

Malfoy threw it, trying to hit Ron, but Ron ducked and the Frisbee hit a whole shelf of potions instead. Malfoy's eyes went wide and he covered his mouth with his hand as all the potions fell and shattered. As they spilled and mixed with each other, a huge green slime ball formed. People backed away, fearing the newly formed potion.

"Nice aim," Ron laughed.

"Yeah no wonder you catch the snitch all the time." Harry added with a smirk.

Hermione rolled her eyes at the boys and resumed her copying down of notes.

Malfoy scowled and turned around to talk to the rest of his Slytherin friends. Everyone else glanced at the mess and scooted their desk away a little more, then turning back around to finish their work. Seamus was curious and he bent down to pick the object.

It was only after he picked it up that he saw the green slime on the Frisbee and surrounding him.

"Ew!" Seamus yelled in disgust as he quickly threw it away. Wiping his hand on his shirt, he didn't notice where it went...

But Hermione did. She shouted out "_Wingardeum Leviosa_!" Unfortunately it's hard to hit a moving object and Hermione hit Neville instead, sending him in the air and hooking himself onto the chandelier object on the ceiling. The Frisbee ended up denting the wall.

"Why me?" Neville whined as he hung helplessly.

As the Slytherins snickered, the Gryffindors panicked, all chaos halted as Snape walked into the room.

His eyes went wild as he practically screamed,

"WHAT IN THE BLOODY HELL WENT ON IN HERE? THE POTIONS ARE SHATTERED, LONGBOTTOM IS ON THE CHANDELIER, THERE'S A DENT IN THE WALL, AND GREEN SLIME IS EVERYWHERE!"

He stopped to take in deep breaths as he looked around the room to find the victim. Everyone was stunned by his outburst.

"Who...did...this...?" Snape said between gritted teeth.

"The Frisbee was mine sir..." Ron said meekly.

Snape was silent as he glared at Ron.

"NO MORE FRISBEES!" Snape roared.

* * *

The next day...

"Okay, Harry, I bet you've never seen _this _before." Ron tried again.

Harry looked at the Boomerang and raised his eyebrow.

"A boomerang?"

"Damn! Bloody hell you have lived with those Dursley's too long." Ron said, shaking his head.

"Uh but Snape said we couldn't have Frisbees..." Harry reminded Ron.

"Ah, but this _Boomerang _comes back to you!" Ron said proudly as he used his arms to motion the boomerang coming back.

"Do you know how to use it?" Harry asked as he folded his arms in amusement.

"Of course," Ron lied.

"Well let's see," Harry challenged.

Ron gave a nervous smile and slowly raised the boomerang. He hesitated but then threw it.

It was the most amazing thing. The boomerang came back after knocking down the new shelf of potions Snape had just put up. You'd think the friction wouldn't allow it to do so, but Ron found himself catching a boomerang with, this time, purple slime on it.

Ron freaked out over the unidentified purple slime. (I'm beginning to conclude that boys are more girly than you think.) He tossed it away quickly, and the boomerang attached itself to Pavarti's book bag. (Apparently the substance was sticky.) As she whipped around to see what had hit her, the boomerang flew off again.

It was at this point that Snape walked in and was immediately attacked by a boomerang covered in purple slime. Falling unconscious, the whole class fell silent.

"Ron...that's your boomerang..." Harry said slowly.

Ron gulped and nodded.

Malfoy, witnessing the whole thing, quickly muttered "_Ennervate_."

"What happened?" Snape said sharply.

Malfoy smirked at Ron and started "Well sir, you see-"

As Malfoy explained what had happened, Snape's face kept turning redder and redder. Finally, at the point of tomato red, he slowly faced Ron who was cowering behind Harry.

"Move...aside...Potter," Snape growled.

Harry shuffled away and Ron slowly got up.

"Um-I'm really awfully sorry-"Ron began.

"No...don't speak." Snape said slowly and dangerously quietly.

"Y-yes sir." Ron stuttered.

"No...more...boomerangs...understood?" Snape asked in the same tone. He had his hands out as if he were ready to strangle Ron.

Ron nodded in response.

Snape gave a sarcastic smile and turned around.

"Turn to page 394."

A/N: Haha I used the page 394 from the movie n book. Feel free to give more ideas! I want the next chapter to be more focused on like doing something. Sort of like 'no running in the hallways.' I have an idea, but if you have one too, let me know!


	3. Tag

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.  
  
A/N: **SingSingMa**: I'll use the sunflower seed idea sometime after this one. :)  
**Kiliana Lupin**: I'll use the spitball idea, too!

**Tag**

**By: Helen Li**

This was the newest rule yet added to the list dangling on the window of Filch's office.

**"NO TAG!" – Professor Snape**

Filch was beginning to love Snape for all the new rules he thought up. _Ah, maybe one day they'll let me whip the kids again. Torture them. Do something. But as long as that Snape guy keeps adding rules...I'll be okay._

"Tag, you're it!" Hermione said cheerfully as she tapped Ron on the shoulder.

"What?" Ron asked, confused.

"You don't know how to play Tag?" Hermione asked in disbelief.

"Uh...no..." Ron replied.

Hermione rolled her eyes and explained the game thoroughly, boring Harry who stood next to her.

"Oh..." Ron said thoughtfully. "In that case...you're it!"

And with that Ron punched Hermione hard in the shoulder, knocking her down.

"Hey!" Hermione cried. "You're only supposed to TAG them!"

"I'm competitive, what can I say." Ron shrugged.

Hermione reached out and touched Harry's ankle, gleefully shouting "Tag, you're it!"

As Malfoy walked by with Crabbe and Goyle, Harry smacked Malfoy in the back.

"Tag, you're it!"

Malfoy frowned, and then _Bam! _Crabbe had a red spot on his forehead and he was it.

"Uh, what do I do?" Crabbe asked dumbly.

"I think you tag someone." Goyle replied, scratching his head.

Crabbe shrugged and shoved Goyle. Goyle got mad and shoved Crabbe back. So the two kept shoving each other while Draco, Ron, Harry, and Hermione (who was still on the floor) watched in amusement.

Finally Crabbe paused and went 'Oh!' He then turned around and tagged Draco, running into the Potions room. Malfoy tagged Goyle and then ran into the Potions room. Goyle then tagged Hermione and ran into the Potions room. Hermione then tagged Ron and ran into the Potions room. Ron then punched Harry and ran into the Potions room.

Harry, now sporting a huge bruise, ran in furiously and punched Ron in the face. Malfoy cracked up which angered Ron, who in return punched Malfoy in the face. Malfoy scowled as Crabbe and Goyle laughed.

Malfoy then, stupidly, punched the two blokes who had enough brain cells to smack him at the same time, knocking him out. Realizing they were both it, they punched the two in front of them which would be Pansy and Blaise.

Pansy fell unconscious immediately and Blaise, who stopped laughing after he got punched, turned around and chunked his book at Goyle, knocking _him _out. Crabbe got mad because Goyle was his friend and he took _his _book and threw it at Blaise, knocking him out.

At this point everyone gained up on Goyle, knocking him out, and everyone walked back to their seats with at least one bruise.

After all this excitement, Snape walked in. He only at first noticed Harry's bruise.

"Fighting Potter? That's ten points from Gryffindor." Snape said coolly.

He then looked around the classroom to see everyone else's bruised face and torn up robes.

"What in the bloody hell happened here?" Snape said in bewilderment.

Everyone started explaining at once, and it took the whole double potions class to sort out the whole thing.

"Well, seeing as though you all have _wasted _the whole class time, you have a five foot parchment essay due tomorrow over Troglodytes! And NO MORE TAG!" Snape snapped.

Madame Promfey was busy that afternoon.

A/N: It had a lot of action going on so it's hard to keep up, but I do hope you enjoyed it! Please review! I'm using two of ya'lls idea, give me more! (Oh and sorry this was much shorter.)


	4. Spitballs

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.  
  
A/N: Thank you's:  
**Lil' Pink Death**: I think the Mountain Dew, Axe deoderant body spray, guacamole, and glitter sounds really interesting! I'll try to write those out! Thanks for reviewing.  
**xPussyWillowKittenx**: Thanks, I'm glad you like it!  
**slytherin secrets**: I tend to laugh at my computer a lot...when I'm at the library people think I'm weird...thanks for reviewing though!  
**ZebraStripedFlamingo**: I'd love to write one about rubber chickens, it seems rather hard but when I get an idea I'll try!  
**supernova8610**: Thanks for the suggestions, they're just a little vague. If you have anymore let me know.  
**SingSingMa**: Sunflower seeds are next! Well they're coming up because I've started writing it. And thanks for your sweet comment!  
**Gurlsboy**: Yoyo's!!!! Sounds awesome!!!  
**JeanMarie**: Thanks for putting me on your favories. :-) (And everyone else who has, too)  
**Clothespeg-rules**: Thank YOU for reviewing. I'll try to make them more funny, I know the first one had some seriousness in the beginning.  
**KilianaLupin**: I hope you like the frisbee/boomerang one! That was for you. AND SO iS THiS ONE! (Read on)  
  
**Frisbees and Boomerangs is dedicated to: KilianaLupin.  
So is this rule!**

**Spitballs**

**By: Helen Li**

"What does the rule say now?" Filch snapped. He grabbed Blaise's shoulder and shoved his finger at the list.

"No spitballs," Blaise sighed.

"Right, so that's detention for you." Filch sneered.

Blaise rolled his eyes and walked away. _Jeez, since when was that stupid rule put up?

* * *

_

_Splat!_

A few students giggled.

_Splat!_

More people chuckled.

_Splat!_

Half of the Gryffindors watching laughed.

_Splat!_

The whole Gryffindor side cracked up.

The chalkboard, which Snape had written the instructions of the steps on making the potion, the first step looked a bit different. At first it looked like:  
  
**1. Pour the potion into the cauldron in fourths.  
  
**When Ron was done it looked like:

**1. our potion i t ca ld ron**

It was supposed to be a strengthening potion, and Ron was proud of his aim. A few people complained about not remembering the first step, but Hermione explained to them.

But Ron was bored and decided to shoot a spitball at Malfoy when he wasn't looking. Finally seeing his chance, _splat_!

Harry and Ron snickered as Ron's spitball hit Malfoy. Hermione looked disapprovingly, but they could tell Hermione thought it was rather funny. Malfoy turned around to see who did it and glared at Ron and Harry as he saw them laugh.

"_Accio Straw_," Malfoy muttered.

The straw flew from Ron's book bag into Malfoy's hand. He grinned and ripped a piece of parchment, wadding it up and sticking it in his mouth. As he chewed and the paper became moist, he stuck it in the straw, carefully aiming it at the Weasel. But right at the moment Pansy ruined it all by smacking Malfoy to ask what they were supposed to do. Malfoy's aim went off and he accidentally hit the newest shelf put up with the potions.

"Oh no…please don't fall." Malfoy whispered to himself.

The Potion bottle Malfoy hit with the spitball, its contents of a mysterious red liquid, barely tilted.

"Don't….fall…" Malfoy pleaded quietly.

Too late, the bottle toppled to the right knocking down that potion and causing a chain reaction. Malfoy winced as all the potions fell from the top shelf, crashing to the floor. Since the potions combined, it formed an acid burning through the shelves, destroying them and the rest of the potions.

Ron had only just noticed his straw was missing (He had found the perfect shot for Crabbe) when he watched, in horror, as Malfoy held the straw. He turned around, and was in more shock as he saw the newest shelf defaced by _his _straw.

Now Professor Snape wasn't in the classroom, he had left, hesitantly, to go ask Professor Sprout for a type of plant they would need for the potion. He had only gone after the class swore no more messes. (The gum and Frisbee/boomerang incident rang in his head forever.)

So Malfoy threw the straw away, not wanting to be held guilty. The straw landed in Seamus' hand, and he shrugged. _This could be fun…_

He stuck in a wad of chewed paper and aimed at Pansy, who at the moment was fixing her hair. After a few seconds, Pansy was screeching and trying to get the spitball out of her hair.

Seamus chuckled and the Gryffindors gave him high-fives.

The Slytherins glared and soon this began a war.

Gryffindors on one side, Slytherins on the other. The desks were formed as forts. Spitballs flew over the room, girls screamed, boys laughed and yelled, and the whole room was a complete disaster.

"EAT THIS MALFOY!"

"YOUR WASTING YOUR PARCHMENT, WEASEL, YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO AFFORD ANY MORE!"

"SHOVE THIS UP YOUR ARSE MALFOY!"

"HEY HERE'S A NEW HAIRDO FOR YOU, PARKINSON!"

"AS IF YOURS LOOKS ANY BETTER!"

"DIEEEEEEE!"

Wads were on the ceiling, walls, desks, and on people's robes. Rolls and rolls of parchment paper were being used up. The instructions on the chalkboard existed no more.

And then Snape walked in, humming. He stopped as he stared at his classroom, which was now a spitball war zone.

"STOP!" Snape screamed. "MY NEW SHELF! THE WALLS! THE CEILING! THE DESKS! _THE INSTRUCTIONS I WROTE_! THE POTIONS!"

The war stopped as Ron launched the last spitball. Unfortunately it hit Snape.

"_SPITBALLS_?!" Snape exclaimed hysterically as he peeled it off his forehead.

Everyone crouched behind the fort, especially Ron.

"Clean…it…up."

Snape walked out and marched to Filch's office, ready to add the latest rule.

A/N: I was going to make Snape spazz out, but I'll save that for the last one. I have no clue when that's going to be. Maybe when there's no more ideas. Thanks you guys a lot! Keep em' coming!


	5. Sunflower Seeds

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.  
  
A/N: **Thank you to all of my reviewers!**

**Sunflower Seeds**

**By: Helen Li**

Ginny sat, grumbling, in detention. _How could something as simple as sunflower seeds get you detention? I mean what's so bad about it? Ugh, that Filch…

* * *

_

"What's that?" Hermione pointed at the trail. Even having muggle parents, she hadn't the keenest idea of what the sunflower seeds were. Her parents didn't like them, they thought they were too messy.

Harry and Ron shrugged and the three following the path of sunflower seeds into the Potions room. They finally stopped when the trail ended in one big pile at the foot of someone's desk. Harry, Ron, and Hermione looked up to see Neville.

"Um, hi." Neville said awkwardly, looking down at the threesome who was crouched down.

"Oh, Neville. We were wondering where this trail led to... What are you eating?" Hermione asked curiously.

"Sunflower seeds," Neville shrugged.

"What's that?" the three asked at once.

"Uh...just food." Neville replied.

"Ah, but why is there a trail of them? Did you drop them? Was there a hole in your bag? Hmm????" Ron questioned suspiciously.

"...you spit out the shell..." Neville said slowly.

"Oh," Ron said dumbly.

"Oh! Now I know what those are! My parents hate them...they think it's messy." Hermione exclaimed.

"Well I think it' fun spitting out the shells. You can see how far you can get them!" Neville grinned.

"Whoa, that sounds bloody fun!" Ron said with his eyes wide.

"Yeah!" Harry agreed.

Hermione rolled her eyes and muttered, 'boys.'

So Harry and Ron sat in the desks next to Neville, pulling them up next to him. As they sat down, Neville showed them the proper way to crack the shell and spit it out. It didn't take more than five minutes for the boys to start their contest.

_Phoo!_

"Ohhhhhh I bet you can't beat that!" Ron said proudly.

_PHOO!  
  
_"Only by thirty more yards," Harry smirked.

Ron frowned and shoved another seed into his mouth, this time shooting it a bit farther.

"Hmm, at least you look like you're trying now." Neville laughed.

By this time people began arriving into class, including the Oh-So-Famous-Slytherins.

"Potter! Weasel! Longbottom! What in the bloody hell are you three doing?" Malfoy yelled as he saw the mess. "Snape has hated you guys so much he's taking it on us, and I won't allow it to happen."

"Oh shut it Malfoy, they're just having a spitting contest." Hermione snapped as she jerked up from her notes. There wasn't even anything written on the board, but Hermione was always jotting down something...

"Contest? Between you three? Oh like that's any competition." Malfoy snorted.

"Oh yeah? Let's see you spit further than Neville." Harry challenged.

"Fine, challenge taken." Malfoy shot back.

He sat down and took the sunflower seed, closely examining it. Finally he put it in his mouth and cracked it and then, _phoo!_

The pitiful sunflower shell barely flew out of his mouth.

"You're worse than Ron!" Harry burst out in laughter.

"Shut it Potter, you just watch and learn." Malfoy scowled as he tried again.

_Phoo!_

Needless to say, the improvement was quite small.

The three Gryffindors started to laugh again and Malfoy was clearly frustrated. But before he could spit another, Pansy interrupted him.

"What are you doing with those Gryffindors?" Pansy screeched at Malfoy, her arms crossed.

"I'm trying to defeat them in this contest." Malfoy said coolly.

"Oh really? And what sort of contest?" Pansy asked.

"A spitting contest." Malfoy shrugged.

"Ooh, let me try!" Pansy squealed. Her mood swings were quite drastic...

"I don't think it's proper for girls to do this," Neville hesitated.

"Yeah, it's not lady like." Ron added.

Malfoy nodded and leaned back (although he was kneeling on the floor, which would make it pretty awkward and looked stupid) and crossed his arms, his eyes daring Pansy.

"I can _so_ do it!" Pansy said haughtily. She grabbed the sunflower seed bag, spilling half of the contents, and snapped one into her mouth.

_Phoo!_

The sunflower seed sailed across the room to nail Pavarti Patil's book bag. The good news was (or bad news) that she made it further than any of the boys.

"There," Pansy smirked as she flipped her hair and walked off.

She left four dazed boys gaping at the seed shell.

"How did she do that?" Malfoy said, still in shock.

"Well us girls can actually do a lot more than you boys think. In fact, it's just because we're smarter and more mature that we don't have to actually perform those tasks. (A/N: Uh huh! That's true in real life, too!)" Hermione said a-matter-of-factly.

"Oh that's just a bunch of rubbish." Ron waved his hand, ignoring Hermione.

Hermione felt insulted so she picked up a sunflower seed from the bag and shot the seed out quickly.

_Phoo!_

This time the seed shell hit the other side of the wall, definitely beating the rest, including Pansy. The bad news was that it hit the _shelf _on the wall. And what a coincidence to hit the third shelf put up.

There was no doubt, the potions toppled over and the whole shelf was destroyed. No one even noticed it anymore.

The four boys stared at the 'shelf'.

"Um...well...I did win, right?" Hermione stuttered, stunned at the display.

"Uh...you could say that..." Harry gulped.

Now it was at this point that the bell rang and Snape walked in. He was hoping for no disaster, but his hope failed him as he saw the pile of sunflower seeds, the other shells around the room, and the destroyed shelf.

He didn't even say anything, he just stared and his mouth hung open. After a few seconds to recover, he walked slowly (everyone had stopped what they were doing to watch) and as each step crunched on the sunflower shell's, everyone winced, especially the four boys, Hermione, and Pansy. He finally picked up one and said quietly,

"No more sunflower seeds. No more eating. Is that clear?"

"Yes sir," everyone replied in unison.

He walked back out of the room and everyone knew what to do, clean it up. Everyone also knew where he was going, to Filch.

The next day there was no shelf. Snape had learned, put the potions in the cabinet.

A/N: Eh, I don't like the ending, but I hope you enjoy this one! I sort of included the 'no eating' rule in this, too! So review and tell me what you think!


	6. Passing Notes

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.  
  
A/N: **I've posted up this story on the Goblet of Fire message board, but only the first chapter. Thank you supernova! and all of my other reviewers!**

**Passing Notes**

**By: Helen Li**

"Psst," Pavarti whispered to Harry. "Pass this to Lavender."

Harry took the folded piece of paper from Pavarti. As she turned around to copy down more notes from Snape, he quickly unfolded it to read,

**Snape's hair is so oily it shines in the dark! I'm sooooo bored right now, and staring at his hair just makes you wonder things...-Pavarti**

Harry stifled his laughter. _Hmm I should add something to this._ So Harry picked up his quill and wrote,

**Yes, and he should do something about that huge nose of his.-Harry**

He folded it back up, whispering to Ron.

"Hey, pass this to Lavender."

Ron nodded, but also was curious to see what it said. He opened it to read the two comments, a huge grin forming upon his freckled face. He picked up his quill to add,

**Perhaps we could look up a spell as to shrink his nose, and _clean _his hair. –Ron**

So Ron passed it to the person next to him, saying,

"Pass this to Lavender."

Hermione nodded and looked to the left of her. Lavender was all the way on the other side of the room. Professor Snape had split the two best friends up, which was why they were writing notes. As Hermione was about to pass it to Neville, she hesitated and decided to read the note. Giggling, she added,

**If he could actually make his class _challenging _maybe I'd stay awake. –Hermione**

Of course this wasn't all that funny considering Hermione **did **stay awake, but it was more of the comment that made it hilarious.

And so with that, Hermione passed it to Neville, instructing him to do the same. Now Neville, who particularly didn't really care what the note said, still wanted to read it since he had seen everyone to the right of him laugh. He carefully opened it up and read the comments, chuckling to himself. Then he added a,

**Unfortunately he is unable to teach _how _to make the bloody potion, and favors his stupid Slytherins. Really, a pea brain like Parkinson making an E? Snape is probably just as bright as his fellow Slytherins. –Neville**

This was the longest comment yet, but Neville passed the note on to Seamus, telling him what to do. Seamus nodded, and _of course _had to read what the note said. He found it the most funny, since there were many more comments, and had to literally put his hand over his mouth to control himself. Then he added,

**Ah, but you all forget his abnormally huge head. Although it comes without a brain... -Seamus**

And so he passed it on to, finally, Lavender.

Now we all know Lavender is what we might call...a blonde. (A/N: Please do not get offended, it is only a joke.) So as she read all of it, she burst out into laughter.

This, obviously, wasn't too bright as Snape whipped around to see who was interrupting his boring speech. He walked over towards Lavender, who was still reading the rest and hadn't even noticed Snape was walking towards her.

As he reached her desk, he snatched the paper from her hand, causing Lavender to jerk her head up. Her face turned red from embarrassment almost immediately.

"Well, well, well. What do we have here?" Snape said coldly.

"N-n-nothing sir," Lavender stuttered.

"Is that so?" Snape went on.

Now Snape was used to meaningless notes, and he rarely really punished the students, well unless he didn't punish his Slytherins. All he really did to punish any other House was to post their note up on the wall. He was famous for this, and usually that was how secrets leaked out and quarrels began. But this particular note was different from the rest and as Snape opened up the note and read all the comments, his face burned up more and more.

"Patil, Potter, Weasley, Granger, Longbottom, Finnigan, and Brown, I think a week of detention shall do." Snape said icily as he gave a dangerous stare at the seven.

The seven nodded slowly as the Slytherins snickered. Snape tore up the note and tossed it into the trash can, and before resuming his lecture he said loud and clear, for the first time,

"No more note passing."

A/N: I loved writing this one, and there are tons of ideas still so I have yet to write more! Please review!


	7. Wedgies

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.  
  
A/N: Jeez all these great ideas! I'll start dedicating it to the reviewer who came up with it. Sorry for those I didn't dedicate to...but the passing notes one was definitely **supernova8610**

**Wedgies**

**By: Helen Li**

**Dedicated to: Cheekii Monkey**

_Yank!_

"OW!" Harry yelled. He spun around to see the famous red head laughing at him.

"That...was...the...best...wedgie...ever," Ron gasped as he looked up at Harry, bursting into laughter again.

Harry scowled and rubbed his behind. He turned around and kept walking into the Potions class.

"Oh come on Harry," Ron said with a grin as he ran up next to Harry.

Harry sighed and stopped, Ron stopping next to him. As Harry pretended to look around he pulled up Ron's trousers from his robes.

"AAH!" Ron jumped as he skidded away from Harry.

"Not as bad as you got me, but I got you back," Harry laughed.

Ron frowned and the two Gryffindors were thinking the same thing as they saw Malfoy and Blaise walking by the Potions room. They both stopped, but before Malfoy entered the room, they found their underwear up their butt.

"Hey!" Blaise snapped as Malfoy screamed in surprise.

"Jeez you scream like a girl," Ron burst in laughter.

Malfoy glared at Ron and yanked his boxers up.

"Ah!" Ron yelped again. He ran inside and sat down in his desk as his defense. Harry kicked Blaise before he could wedge him and he, too, ran inside to sit next to Ron. The two boys stifled their giggles as the red-faced Slytherin entered the room.

"I'll get you two," Malfoy growled.

Then, he saw Hermione run in (she had forgot her quill) and right in front of him stood his chance. As Hermione ran past him, Malfoy grabbed _her _underwear and gave her a wedgie. As he laughed, the room turned silent.

"What?" Malfoy finally said as everyone stared at him, a humiliated Granger as well.

"Well, everyone knows you don't give a _girl _a wedgie," Ron exasperated.

"Oh," Malfoy said dumbly.

"So...you know what we have to do," Harry said in a sing-song voice.

"...what?" Malfoy asked uncertainly. He backed away slowly and turned around to see all the Slytherins staring at him, too. Apparently this was a world-wide rule.

"Well everyone in the room gets to give you a wedgie, _and _Hermione gets to smack you." Seamus cut in with an evil grin.

Malfoy's eyes widened and he started towards the door, but many of the class had anticipated this and they shot out the same hexes. The tripping hex, and finally Harry used the famous spell he had conquered in his fifth year, causing invisible ropes to wrap around Malfoy's ankles and wrists as he tumbled down.

"GET HIM!" someone cried out as everyone ran to Malfoy yelling. They hovered over him, crowding around, but you could hear the distinct yell of Malfoy as someone gave him a wedgie.

Finally the bell rang and Snape stepped in to see his students crowding around acting like savage cave men.

"WHAT IN THE BLOODY HELL IS GOING ON?" Snape roared.

The students stopped yelling to look up at Snape. Slowly they backed away from the poor blonde Slytherin. Malfoy was sprawled on the floor, his hair messed up, his robes scrunched up, and his face beet red. He breathed heavily and was relieved that the students had stopped. There was also a huge red mark on his face, done by the proud lady Gryffindor, Hermione.

Malfoy managed to cough out, 'thank you Professor' before his head fell down and he was unconscious.

* * *

After Malfoy had been gone to the Hospital Wing (Madame Promfey was very upset) and back, everyone sat in their desks silent as Snape glowered at the students.

"Wedgies?" Snape said between his gritted teeth.

No one dared budge or reply.

"Who...started...this?" Snape barely whispered as his eyes narrowed towards the Gryffindor side.

Two very unfortunate Gryffindors meekly raised their hand.

"Well, seeing as though you two _already _have a month's worth of detention on you, I'll be taking away one hundred points from Gryffindor _and _you all get one 'wedgie' from Mr. Malfoy. But after that...there will be no more wedgies. Is that understood?" Snape snapped.

"Yes sir..." came the soft chorus of the classroom.

That night Ron and Harry went to bed with very sore bottoms.

A/N: Teehee, sorry it took so long for me to update, I had a huge writers block on this one! I was trying to write the one for hackysacks, but it wasn't very funny, but I'll try again. I have one funny memory of hackysack which I'll mention in a little bit. Sorry it was a little disturbing...but uh what do you expect? Anyways my story on hackysack! It's a true story so it's probably not all that interesting.

* * *

**And a side story from the author...**

Let's see one day I was hanging out with my California friends and we were playing truth or dare at the mall. They dared me to go up to this bunch of potheads and ask if I could play hackysack with them.

Of course since I live in Texas and I was just visiting, I had no fear so I walked up to them and I was like 'Can I kick the hackysack with ya'll?" The surprise was that, they reacted with a 'sure,' and the scooted aside and let me have a spot.

Now my mom can kick a hackysack 47 times in a row (not kidding, her turn was like five minutes as I waited and then mine lasted five seconds) but I do not have the same dexterity. So the plain truth is, I sucked. But I had fun and some of the guys were hot(but not really my type, you know the druggie type.)

Anyways, my memoir is a picture of me with them, from my friends, and that is probably the best dare I have ever done.


	8. Matches

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.  
  
A/N: THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

**STARINA69 –** Ah, that's a great idea! I'll probably use it...but is it okay if I put down like 'no owls inside the classroom' instead? I like your other idea, it seems hard to write, but when I get in the mood I'll try! I had the most fun writing 'notes'!  
**supernova8610**- Thanks a lot for always reviewing, it means a lot! Hehe, this chapter is dedicated to you because it's YOUR idea!

**Ronniekinsgirl **- Thanks for reviewing, I'm glad you like it!

**Kiliana Lupin** – Haha, never heard of that place. Sorrys! Well it's in Northern California so that's cool. At the moment my stepmom and half-brother live in Los Altos, but they'll be moving to Washington D.C. with my dad...so I sort of still live there. Have you ever visited any of the cities close to San Francisco?

**ZebraStripedFlamingo** – I feel that sometimes my chapters get repetitive, so I try to make things different. I'm glad you noticed! Cute sn!

**xPussyWillowKittenx **– Well it was an idea given from one of my other reviewers. Apparently some schools ban sunflower seeds...? Weird, but then again my school basically bans eating during class so I suppose that fits in there. Thanks for reviewing!

And everyone else who reviewed!

**Matches**

**By: Helen Li**

**Dedicated to: supernova8610 **(Go read some of her stories!)

Ron stood outside of the Potions room, softly cackling to himself as he held a match. He studied it closely, amazed by the simple stick. Hermione was walking to class when she saw Ron. She immediately walked over.

"Ronald Weasley! Is that what I think it is?" Hermione gasped at Ron disapprovingly.

Ron laughed nervously at Hermione, trying to hide his newest toy behind him.

"You know what it is?"

"Ron...I do have muggle parents," Hermione rolled her eyes. "Now explain why on earth you have matches at school!"

"Well when I first saw them I thought they were rather interesting. How these muggles create fires! I just want to test it out..." Ron murmured.

"WHAT? TEST IT OUT? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?" Hermione exclaimed as she waved her hands around, clenching her hair.

"'Mione...I think you're the one that's out of your mind. Oh come on, what could possibly go wrong? (A/N: Famous last words...)" Ron shrugged.

Ron lit one of the matches and stared at it in amusement, then remembering it was burning and about to burn his finger. He managed to drop it onto the piece of parchment paper he had out.

Now we all know this wasn't a very smart move...

"RON! _Why are you so incompetent today?!_ You are burning a piece of paper! Highly flammable! You're going to destroy the school!" Hermione shrieked.

Ron was about to open his mouth to snap back when he finally realized his mistake. He picked up the parchment paper, which was burning quite quickly, and threw it at the trash can.

We could say it would be safe if it made it in the trash can. But it didn't make it. Instead, Malfoy, who was walking by the trash can, became the target.

"What the-"Malfoy began as he felt something warm hit him.

He wiped whatever hit him on the back of his robes to feel the burning heat.

"AH! BLOODY HELL I'M BEING BURNED ALIVE!" Draco screamed in panic.

Hermione and Ron were too busy laughing at the sight of Malfoy running around like a girl to think of helping him. Instead, Crabbe and Goyle ran to his aid. The two blokes patted out the fire, their hands covered with burns and ashes. (Well, we know their intelligence level.) After a while they both yelled,

"AH, I'M BURNED!"

"I wasn't sure if you'd ever notice," Malfoy muttered as he wiped off the ashes from his robes.

His eyes darted back to Hermione and Ron who were standing outside by the door. They saw him glare at them, starting towards them, so the two did the smartest thing they could do. They ran.

Ron lit a match, out of his adrenaline I suppose, and threw it at the ground, causing the doorway to be smothered in flames. Malfoy came to his senses and quickly muttered a freezing spell. Then he saw the problem of going through ice, so he had to say another spell to melt the ice, causing a huge pool of water in the room.

But the angry Slytherin didn't care. He whipped through the hall, yelling curses at poor Hermione and Ron.

* * *

Well, I failed to mention that Ron had dropped his matches. So when Seamus went outside, as did everyone else to see the commotion, he picked up the matches and formed a naughty grin. As he walked inside the room he thought, _Hmm, this could be fun! _(A/N: Also famous last words...)

So Seamus lit up one of the matches, he had seen a muggle do it before, and he was very impressed by the flame he created. But then it started burning...through the stick...to his finger.

"Ow!" Seamus yelped as he dropped the match onto the floor. Flames immediately consumed the boards of the floor. (A/N: This room has wooden floors because I said so. :) )  
  
As the fire grew larger and larger, Seamus panicked. _Oh no, what do I do? What do I do?_

Well the simple answer finally dawned on him; the Freezing spell that Malfoy had used. So Seamus quickly flicked his wand and repeated the words, causing a huge iceberg to form in the middle of the Potions class room.

Seamus found that he could not remember the Melting spell, but as Pavarti reentered the room (There wasn't enough room for her to see), she rolled her eyes and did it for him. Now the Potions room had transformed to a lake.

But we have drifted away from the fleeing Hermione and Ron. So back to that, then!

* * *

Malfoy had been running after the two for quite a while, shooting hexes. Ron's hair was purple, Hermione's was orange. They were both wearing tutus as well. (Malfoy had to refrain from laughing to keep running at his quick pace.)

"Wait a minute! We outnumber him!" Hermione cried in frustration.

"Oh...yeah," Ron said dumbly.

So the two spun around and both shot hexes at once. Needless to say, Malfoy was knocked out on the ground with blue skin, a red dress on, and was bald.

"What...is...going...on?" a scary voice came from behind.

Hermione and Ron's eyes widened as they turned around to face...Professor Snape.

* * *

The class swam back to his seats, and an angry Professor walked in shortly dragging three students by their robes, stomping through the water muttering curses.

"What...is...this?" Snape growled at the lake which had taken over the room.

"S-s-sir I-I can ex-p-plain." Seamus stuttered.

Snape listened to his pathetic story.

"That's another week of detention for you Mr. Finnigan." Snape sneered. Snape muttered a simple spell to erase all the water.

Seamus nodded and scampered back to his seat.

"What are these?" Snape spat as he picked up the leftover matches.

"They're matches sir," Ron winced as he prepared for a total blowout.

"Do not bring these matches to my classroom ever again. Is that clear?" Snape said disgustedly as he stood over Ron.

"Y-y-yes sir," Ron replied, shivering from Snape's evil look.

As Snape walked out of the classroom to find Filch, the class finally burst into laughter at the sight of Ron, Hermione, and Malfoy.

From then on the three were very touchy about matches...

A/N: I didn't like this one as much, it seems like I didn't have much funny actions going on. But you don't need to mention that! Hehe, just review! Oh and a short memoir of mine...

* * *

**A side story from the Author...**

Ah, I know the rule about no passing notes was a while ago, but jeez I've had bad experiences with getting caught! Let's see, in sixth grade I got caught and I had to write 'I won't write notes in class' one thousand times! I ended up forgetting to do it so I had to quickly write it in the beginning of class, thank goodness I write as fast as I type! (Okay so maybe not as fast...I type 109 words per minute!)

Another time I got caught with a note was in my computer class in seventh grade. The teacher was a total witch, too! (Not one of the cool witches in Harry Potter, one of the witches that should have a 'b' instead of 'w' in the word.) So she gave me a trash duty and instead of watching the Turkey Trot...I was picking up trash. Unfortunately that note was talking badly about my science teacher, too... (I don't think she ever told him, though.)

Well that's just a little memoir of mine, but who cares, review!


	9. Fortune Tellers aka Cootie Catchers

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.  
  
A/N: Many thanks again to my reviewers!

**Paper Fortune Tellers (or Cootie Catchers)**

**By: Helen Li**

**Dedicated to: MY SPAZZY FRIEND BRITTANY E! GOOD IDEA!**

"Pick one!" Hermione squealed happily as she held a paper fortune teller in front of Ron's face.

"Uh, a what?" Ron replied, confused.

"A _color _Ron!" Hermione exasperated.

"Blue?" Ron said, still confused.

"_A color that's on this fortune teller_," Hermione snapped irritably.

"Oh," Ron replied dumbly. "Um...red."

"R-E-D," Hermione spelled out as she moved her fingers. Ron watched in amusement as Hermione flipped the paper around with her fingers. She stopped shortly and asked,

"Okay, now what number?"

"I have to pick one on the paper, right?"

"That would be the idea, Ron."

"Okay, okay. Um, nine."

It was amazing, after Ron finished picking his number the numbers on the paper vanished and changed.

"I charmed it so it's a little more sophisticated than the muggle kind," Hermione grinned sheepishly.

Ron was already fascinated with the game anyways, and he watched curiously as Hermione flipped the fortune teller between her fingers.

"Last time, pick a number. And yes, Ron, a number _on _the fortune teller."

"_I get it Hermione_." Ron shot back. "Four."

Hermione ignored Ron's comment as she flipped up the flap. Ron leaned over to see what it said but Hermione scooted away.

"You will break something within the next ten minutes," Hermione read aloud.

"Well that's a great fortune," Ron said sarcastically as he rolled his eyes.

"It's not _real _Ron," Hermione sighed. "It's just a game."

"Well I'm staying away from anything made of glass," Ron said haughtily. "I happen to be very superstitious."

As Ron backed away, crossing his arms, he bumped into Neville who dropped his Rememberall. It was the newest one his grandmother had sent him.

"Oh no...that was the _fifth _one my grandma has sent me," Neville complained as he looked down at the shattered glass.

Ron's eyes widened as he turned to Hermione whose expression was the same.

"J-just coincidence," Hermione gulped.

"If you'll excuse me I won't be doing that fortune thingy anymore." Ron shuddered as he walked into the classroom.

Hermione rolled her eyes. _It's not real, that was just a coincidence._

"What happened?" Harry asked. He had just arrived, seeing the mess of glass.

"Oh nothing," Hermione lied. "Want to take my fortune teller? Pick a color."

"Okay, er, purple."

A sound of paper rustling followed Harry's response and he, too, watched out of curiosity.

"Pick a number."

"Seventeen."

_Rustle, rustle._

"Okay, one more number."

"Two."

"_You will anger a sworn enemy._"

"Well, that's a good fortune, eh?" Harry laughed.

"We all know who the 'sworn enemy' is." Hermione added.

"What are _you _laughing at, Potty? Been looking at the mirror again? Or is it just the mudblood's face," Draco drawled from behind.

Harry spun around angrily.

"Eat slugs," Harry yelled as he flicked his wand.

Once again Malfoy began to hurl slugs.

"You know, I learn a lot from Ron." Harry sighed.

Harry shook his head, still angry at Malfoy, muttering curses as he walked into the classroom. Hermione was the only one that realized it matched the fortune.

* * *

"So you're saying that whatever fortune you get comes true?" Harry repeated. Hermione had just explained what was going on.

Hermione nodded.

"Well then make it say that I get a million galleons!" Ron grinned.

"Uh...it's random, the charm puts what it wants." Hermione shrugged.

"THE CHARM! It must be the charm! Let's have a look at it." Harry insisted.

Hermione took out her Charms book.

"It says right here, '_The fortune which one gets will come true_,'" Harry rolled his eyes.

"Well how was I supposed to know? I thought it would work the muggle way!" Hermione protested.

"Hermione...anything...in...a..._spell _book won't do it the _muggle _way." Ron said slowly.

"Oops," Hermione said sheepishly.

"But...we could have some fun with this." Ron said, forming a sly smile.

"Hey Malfoy!"

"What, weasel?"

"Come here."

Now Malfoy was suspicious as he narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms.

"What do you want?"

"It's this game some fortune teller thing."

Now Malfoy was interested, but still cautious.

"How do I know you're telling the truth?"

"Well Harry and I did it, its fun."

Malfoy hesitated, but walked over. After he was done, Hermione read the fortune.

"_You will surely be a klutz today_."

"As if a Malfoy would ever be a klutz," Malfoy scoffed. "That thing is obviously telling a lie."

As he walked off he tripped and hit the cabinet. Everyone could hear the shatter of potions from inside.

"Oh yeah, because a _Malfoy _could have never done that. They're just not klutzy." Ron said loudly.

Malfoy got up and brushed off his robes, glaring at Ron.

"A minor coincidence," Malfoy said snottily.

"Right," Harry said laughing.

But the whole class winced as the shattering sound came from the cabinet. Finally it stopped and everyone knew that Snape would _not _be pleased. In fact, Snape entered the room after the shattering ceased.

"What?" Snape said sharply as he heard the silence. _This obviously isn't a good sign..._

He surveyed the room carefully and walked towards Hermione who was trying to hide the fortune teller.

"Notes, now? Well I'm sure you're well aware of the new _rule _Miss Granger, so that'll be ten points from Gryffindor." Snape sneered as he snatched the fortune teller.

"Wait, sir" Hermione tried to explain.

"Silence," Snape snapped.

Hermione bit her lip, not knowing what to do. She sighed and stayed silent. Snape carefully opened the paper to read a fortune. It read,

"_Cheater! Because you've disobeyed the rule of the game, you will suffer endless hoaxes._"

Snape's eyes widened as he realized what sort of 'paper' this happened to be.

The class had to literally cover their mouth to keep from laughing as Snape's skin turned hot pink, his clothes changed to a grandma dress with a purse and high heeled shoes, his hair fell out as he turned bald, and his hands swelled up to the size of a basketball.

As Snape tried to grab a hold of his wand, which took many attempts, he managed, after ten minutes, to destroy the fortune teller. Hermione was already in shock, imagining what sort of trouble she'd be in. But Snape stormed out of the room to Madame Promfey who said the hoaxes could not be undone. (The effect would last for about one week.) So he spent the rest of class in Filch's office ranting as a substitute taught Potions.

No one ever thought about bringing a fortune teller to class again.

A/N: Sorry it took so long! I hope you liked it, do review! I'm looking forward for more ideas to pick from, ya'll are great at brainstorming! Thanks!


	10. Firecrackers

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.  
A/N: SORRY, THANKS EVERYONE! I promise I'll do comments when I have more time!

**Fire Crackers**

**By: Helen Li**

**Dedicated to: xPussyWillowKittenx**

_Crackle, Pop!_

"Ow!" Hermione jumped as she grabbed her throbbing earlobe. "What was that?!"

"WELL FRED AND GEORGE MADE THESE NEW FIRE CRACKER THINGIES FOR THEIR JOKE SHOP; THEY SENT ME A FEW SAMPLES." Ron yelled.

Hermione looked at the huge pile of 'firecrackers' and raised her eyebrow.

"A _few _samples?"

"WELL, ERM, I MAY HAVE BOUGHT A FEW MYSELF." Harry added, loudly, and sheepishly.

"For what?" Hermione exclaimed. "You know Professor Snape will have a fit."

"HE'S ALREADY GONE BLOODY INSANE, HERMIONE." Ron rolled his eyes. "IN FACT LAST TIME HE DIDN'T EVEN YELL."

"OF COURSE HE STILL HAD THAT SCARY LOOK," Harry added with a booming voice.

"_Why _are you two speaking so loudly?" Hermione finally burst out.

"What? We aren't being rowdy!" Ron protested.

"I didn't say _rowdy _I said LOUDLY." Hermione snapped.

"WE AREN'T TALKING LOUDLY AT ALL; IT'S YOU THAT'S WHISPERING!" Ron shot back.

Harry shrugged and tossed another fire cracker. Hermione leaped aside, not wanting to get hit, and covered her ears. The firecracker exploded into a blue smoke, Ron and Harry were laughing as people turned around to see what all the commotion was about.

"Jeez Potty, keep your toys to yourself." Malfoy sneered.

"BOYS? I DON'T HAVE ANY BOYS, MALFOY." Harry thundered.

"ARE YOU BLOODY DEAF, POTTY? I SAID TOYS! T-O-Y-S, TOYS." Malfoy sneered.

"HE CAN SPELL, YOU KNOW." Ron cut in angrily.

"Well then he's proved wiser than you," Malfoy smirked.

"WIDER? HE'S BLOODY SKINNY!" Ron exclaimed.

"I SAID WISER. AS IN SMARTER." Malfoy said in frustration.

"FARTHER? FARTHER WHERE? HE'S SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME." Ron blared in confusion.

"How many bloody firecrackers did you two set off?" Malfoy muttered as he shook his head and walked away, giving up.

"I WONDER WHY HE WALKED AWAY." Ron shrugged.

Hermione rolled her eyes and walked inside muttering, 'boys.'

"Hey Harry and Ron, what are you two doing?" Seamus greeted the boys.

"WE'RE NOT MOVING. WHO SAID WE WERE MOVING?" Ron said, ear-splittingly.

"Uh, I didn't say moving. I said DOING." Seamus replied slowly.

"WE'RE NOT FEUDING! HARRY AND I ARE GOOD MATES!" Ron shot back.

"I SAID DOING, AS IN WHAT ARE THOSE THINGS NEXT TO YOU." Seamus yelled.

"WELL WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY SO?" Harry shook his head. "THEY'RE FIRECRACKERS."

"No wonder you two are deaf." Seamus sighed as he walked away.

The bell rung and everyone rushed inside to their desks as Harry and Ron were setting off more firecrackers gleefully, enjoying the loud 'pop' which had no impact upon their already deafened ears.

"Potter and Weasley, you two are late." Snape said coldly as he walked inside. "That's five points from Gryffindor."

"WHAT, HOW ARE WE LATE? THE BELL HASN'T EVEN RUNG YET!" Harry protested.

"Do not raise your voice to me, Potter! That's another five points from Gryffindor!" Snape snapped.

"WHAT, WE HAVE NO CHOICE? WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH THE BELL NOT RINGING?" Ron roared.

"THE BELL ALREADY RANG, THEREFORE YOU TWO ARE LATE. AND THAT'S DETENTION FOR YOU BOTH FOR TALKING BACK!" Snape yelled back.

"RETENTION? BUT THE YEAR ISN'T EVEN OVER YET!" Harry protested.

"I'LL PUT YOU TWO DOWN FOR RETENTION IF YOU KEEP THIS UP!" Snape threatened.

"WE ARE PAYING ATTENTION!" Ron yelled.

Now Professor Snape definitely suspected something was wrong with the two boys' ears. He peered over their shoulders to see the pile of unused firecrackers.

"Now, now, are some of us using firecrackers? That'll be _another _ten points from Gryffindor." Snape said with a cruel smile.

"HOW DO YOU USE A FIRECRACKER? OH YOU JUST LIGHT IT UP LIKE SO (Ron lit up the firecracker) AND THROW IT OVER SOMEWHERE (Ron threw it inside the classroom, not aiming any specific target. So naturally it sailed into Malfoy's cauldron.)" Ron explained loudly.

Snape had enough; he quickly muttered a spell so the two could hear correctly.

Unfortunately Malfoy's ears became defected from the loud pop that echoed in his cauldron, causing him to jump from his seat.

"Mr. Malfoy, you may take Mr. Weasley's cauldron from his desk," Snape said sharply.

"THE WEASEL IS TAKING A REST?" Malfoy yelled, confused.

"TAKE...THE...CAULDRON...FROM...RON'S...DESK." Snape said loudly, but slowly. This was one of the rare moments he used Ron's real name.

"DON? WHO'S DON?" Malfoy became even more confused.

"RON, AS IN HARRY'S BEST FRIEND." Seamus replied for Snape. He was a bit irritated by people who had trouble hearing.

"WAIT, NOW WHO'S LARRY?" Malfoy's head was starting to hurt.

Snape opened his mouth to reply, and to take off points from Gryffindor for Seamus' random comment, but Seamus got up and grabbed Ron.

"THIS IS RON, NOT DON. AND THIS IS HARRY, _NOT _LARRY. RON AND HARRY, GOT IT?" Seamus clenched his fists and gritted his teeth in frustration.

"WELL WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY SO?" Malfoy sighed...in a loud way. "NOW WHAT ABOUT RON?"

Snape repeated the spell allowing Malfoy to hear.

"I said you may take Mr. Weasley's cauldron since he ruined yours."

"Yes sir," Malfoy smirked at Ron.

Ron's face turned red in anger as he grabbed a firecracker from the pocket of his rob, lit it up, and threw it at Malfoy. The firecracker sailed and landed in Malfoy's hair. The blonde Slytherin found his hair on fire and panicked like a girl, running around screaming.

The Gryffindors roared with laughter as the Slytherins narrowed their eyes in anger at their teasing of Malfoy.

"Psst, I have some firecrackers I took from Potter, what do you say we _use _them?" Pansy whispered to Crabbe.

Crabbe looked thoughtful and then slowly formed a grin, a dumb one, but nevertheless a grin.

Pansy, Crabbe, and Goyle lit up at least twenty firecrackers, throwing them at the Gryffindors. Loud pops occurred on the half of the room as shrills and shrieks rang out. The Slytherins laughed gleefully.

Ron tossed some un-lit firecrackers at his fellow Gryffindors who angrily lit them up and threw it back at the Slytherins. Even Snape couldn't do anything to stop the mayhem except to stand and watch in amusement. (He hid that, though.)

It was really beautiful if you watched from above. The colorful smokes meandering through the air was definitely a sight. Little sparks flew here and there, but the sound was deafening. A few wondered where the other teachers were, since they would have been rather irritated by the noise, but Hermione had secretly applied a charm to the room so no sound could travel out. Snape noticed this too, but acted as if he were absolutely oblivious. The students knew he was just letting the Slytherins conquer the Gryffindors, acting like he was trying to stop them here and there, but when the Slytherins started losing to the loss of ammo, Snape called everything to a halt.

Everyone froze. It was sort of funny, the smokes had gotten to everyone's hair so everyone had multi-colored hair.

"HEY YOUR HAIR IS GREEN!" Pansy shrieked louder than usual, pointing at Malfoy.

"HAY FOR HARE IS SCREEN?" Malfoy shouted back.

"YOUR HAIR IS GREEN!!!!" Pansy yelled even LOUDER.

"WELL YOUR HAIR IS PURPLE!" Malfoy shot back.

"IS MY HAIR DIFFERENT?" Pansy wondered out loud..._really _out loud.

Ron could have sworn he heard Snape chuckle a bit.

"YES...I...SAID..._YOUR...HAIR...IS...GREEN_!" Malfoy repeated, cupping his mouth with his hands for a louder yell.

Pansy barely heard him; she was getting her mirror out.

"AAAH! MY HAIR IS _GREEN_!" Pansy panicked. ("No, really?" Ron muttered.)

Hermione, Ron, Harry, and Snape were the only ones who covered their ears to her scream. The rest were unaffected since they didn't have the charm that Hermione, Ron, Harry, and Snape had used to block out the loud sounds.

Snape noticed the strange looks he was getting from Hermione, Ron, and Harry for being so lenient. He immediately fixed everyone's ears and cleaned up the whole mess. Of course he did all this in approximately ten minutes.

_Bloody hell, I have gotten softer on these students! I need to make up for my niceness today..._

"Well, that's a ten-foot essay on the rules of this class, _including _no firecrackers." Snape sneered to begin his lesson.

All the students wished their hearing was defected again.

A/N: Sorry for the lateness, it wasn't all that great, well I just feel like my earlier ones are better, but I hope YOU liked it! The idea was wonderful of course.

**How the author was influenced...**

I was influenced by this play I watched at my school. It's called 'Rumors' written by Neil Simon. It was a hilarious comedy and there was this one part where one of the characters, Ken, had defective hearing due to a gunshot. (He wasn't hurt though.)

So it was funny when the phone rang and he was like 'I swear I hear a cat meowing.' And then his friend was like 'ITS THE PHONE.' And he's like, 'What? Give it a bone? Lenny, it's a _cat_, not a dog.'

Another funny part was when Lenny asked Glen how he was doing.

"So, how are you doing Glen?"

"I'M FINE, THANKS!" (a voice...that belongs to Ken...upstairs.)

Lenny turns around, annoyed.

"I SAID GLEN. GLEEENNN. NOT KEN!"

Hehe, another funny part was when-

"Alright, I can't take it anymore! I have to tell the story. Ken goes on about what happened"

"Um, Ken? Lenny already told us, we know about it."

"WHAT? WHO TOLD YOU?"

"LENNY. LEENNNYYY TOLD US."

"Lenny, did _you _tell them?"

"YES Ken, I did."

"WHAT? YOU TOLD THEM?"

"...yes...Ken..."

Well you get the point; I was heavily influenced, obviously by the idea and the play. So review!


	11. Yoyo's

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.  
A/N: Thanks to all of my reviewers!

**STARINA69 ** - I'm glad you liked my last two, I thought I was getting worse! Thanks!

**xPussyWillowKittenx ** - I had a lot of fun writing your idea! Thanks!

**WatchSnapeGoMad** – Hmm your screen name thing sounds like what happens in most of my stories, teehee. Thanks for the ideas, I'll try to use them, they sound really good.

**Supernova8610** – Wow you always have the most ideas, it makes it so much easier on me, thanks! Yup Rumors was a GREAT play, I loved it.

**Kiliana Lupin **– Thanks! And you keep on reviewing!

**Ronniekinsgirl** – They're REALLY fun on Chinese New Year. Hehehe...

**Ennui **– Aww, thanks SO MUCH for your review! It made my day.

**Gurlsboy** – I'll try to do yoyo's soon, I have this weird thing where I have to be in the mood to write whatever I'm going to write, including the topic. It's a great idea and I can just IMAGINE the havoc it will create! Teehee.

And everyone else!

**Yoyo's**

**By: Helen Li**

**Dedicated to: GurlsBoy **

**(Yes, I hope I did trick you to thinking I hadn't written it yet.)**

"What on earth is _that_," Draco said disgustedly as he gestured towards the object Ron was dangling.

"It's a yoyo," Ron replied curtly.

"And what does it do?" Draco pressed on, crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow. He clearly _wasn't _impressed.

"Well, um, you see it does tricks and stuff." Ron stammered.

"...well let's see it." Draco sighed as he glanced at his fingernails, obviously bored.

"You don't have to show him anything," Harry cut in, narrowing his eyes at Draco.

"Ooh, is Potty coming in to save the Weasel from embarrassment?" Draco drawled, forming a sly grin.

"It's alright Harry, I'll show the prat." Ron whispered. Draco still heard his comment and scowled.

Ron winded the yoyo and began to unravel it, it actually seemed like he knew what he was doing. But...his wrist seemed to just jerk randomly, yanking the yoyo up in the air and smacking Draco right in the forehead. Draco stumbled backwards knocking into a cabinet...filled with _new _potions, and the sounds of broken glass could be heard.

Needless to say Draco was knocked out unconscious.

"Oops?" Ron laughed nervously.

"I'll say," Harry added as he stared at the blonde Slytherin who was sporting a bruise.

"Is that...is that what I think that is?" Seamus interrupted, staring at the yoyo.

"What, this?" Ron asked, confused. He held up the yoyo.

"Yeah! That's uh...a...um...yoldo or something?" Seamus said thoughtfully.

"Yoyo?" Ron filled in for Seamus.

"Yeah! I knew it was like yo something. Hey, that sounds cool. Yo. Yo could be the new greeting! Like, yo Ron what's that?" Seamus pondered out loud.

Ron and Harry joined in; thinking about the 'new' word Seamus had started.

"Nah," all three chimed in.

"Yo sounds SO stupid, like that could ever work." Ron shook his head.

"I mean that's like saying 'dude, what's up?' If I ever knew anyone that used the word 'dude' and 'what's' and 'up' in the same sentence, that would be bloody insane." Harry added.

"Oh well, those will never become anything." Seamus reassured the Gryffindors. "So Ron, do a trick!"

"Trust me, you don't want to see him do a trick," Harry tried to explain.

"No, no go right ahead! I haven't a clue how to use a yoyo so it _can't _be that bad." Seamus insisted.

"Well actually," Harry began.

"DO A DAMNED TRICK! NOW!" Seamus yelled.

Ron and Harry stood, stunned at Seamus' outburst.

"Um, well, okay then mate." Ron said uneasily, exchanging weird looks with Harry.

_Here goes nothing..._

The yoyo actually did go down and back up. But it went up to hit Ron in the nose, causing a _crack _which you can guess what that meant.

"AAAH! BY NOSE! IT'S BROKEN!" Ron panicked.

Blood squirted out of Ron's nostril and got onto Seamus' robes who, naturally, freaked out as well.

"AHH! BLOOD! DID I MENTION THAT I HAVE AN ANTI-BLOOD PHOBIA?!" Seamus shouted as he yanked his hair. Then the simple solution dawned on him as he ripped off the robe and threw it. And yes, the robe hit someone. Specifically Pansy Parkinson.

"Ew, whose robe is this?" Pansy screeched as she picked it up as if it were a squirrel with rabies. She then saw the blood, glanced down at her own robes, and screamed.

"THERE'S BLOOD ON MY ROBES!" Pansy screamed as she let go of her mirror. The mirror flew out of her hands and hit Hermione Granger.

"Ow!" Hermione jumped as the mirror broke and stabbed her. The cut was minor, but blood oozed out onto her robes as well.

Hermione found that she didn't know of any spell that got rid of blood stains so she tried to get it out using parchment paper. Of course that didn't work so she threw the parchment paper away. Well, she threw it. And it hit Neville.

Neville actually _caught _the paper on accident. He was in fact quite proud of his skill until he saw the blood on it. His eyes widened as he realized the blood was on _his hand _as well and he threw the parchment paper in fright.

It hit the floor, leaving a few bloodstains there as well.

It was at this point that Crabbe and Goyle discovered the abandoned yoyo. (Ron was trying to cease the blood using parchment paper.)

Crabbe tried using the yoyo, but failed miserably and in fact hit in the mouth, breaking a tooth and causing blood to pour out of Goyle's mouth. Crabbe's eyes widened and he threw the yoyo away. It landed next to Lavender.

As for Crabbe and Goyle, it took a while for the two blokes to realize what had happened and they used parchment paper as well. But now the cursed toy moved onto Lavender.

"Ooh, a toy!" Lavender squealed. Pavarti leaned over to see the yoyo.

"I'm actually really good at the yoyo," Lavender boasted.

Everyone turned around to stare at Lavender. She didn't notice this, however, and she picked up the yoyo, performing many various tricks.

"Wow..." everyone gasped.

Lavender grinned and bowed. Then everyone resumed back to cleaning up the wounds.

Well you can imagine what Snape thought when he walked in seeing blood everywhere. There were parchments soaked with blood on the floor, a few stains on the floor, and an unidentified robe with blood on it. Fortunately he hadn't discovered the shattered potions inside the cabinet yet. (He didn't mind though, since everyone was constantly in detention their task was to make the potions stored in the cabinets, seeing he was always running out.) Everyone was frantically trying to find a potion or spell to help.

"WHAT IS THIS BLOODY MESS FOR?" Snape roared.

"Foul language," Peeves said in a sing-song voice. (A/N: In my story Peeves is in the Potions room! So there!)

"I MEANT BLOODY AS IN _THE RED SUBSTANCE ON MY FLOOR_." Snape thundered.

"How would I know? I'm dead," Peeves sneered as he flew away.

Snape shook his head and turned back to the class.

"Who or what started this?"

Everyone began talking at once.

"ONE PERSON PLEASE!"

"Um, well sir that would be the yoyo." Ron pointed at the round toy on the floor next to Snape.

Snape picked it up and raised his eyebrow.

"This caused all of the blood?"

"Yes sir."

"All of you that are injured go to Madame Promfey."

"Yes sir."

"Mr. Weasley, you have another week of detention."

"Yes sir.

"And no more yoyos."

"Yes sir."

A/N: Well I hope you liked it, do review! And more ideas, too!


	12. Paper Airplanes

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.  
A/N: Thanks to all of my reviewers! Sorry, I'll try to comment next time!

**Paper Airplanes**

**By: Helen Li**

**Dedicated to: WatchSnapeGoMad**

Seamus Finnegan cackled to himself softly as he perfected his paper airplane. The creases were perfect, everything was aligned, and Seamus felt accomplished. _Such a pity to throw such perfection away, I must definitely launch a superb flight. The landing however...I must decide. Hmm, who to pick, who to pick? I would say a Slytherin, since this airplane has the obvious potential of making it that far. But oh I would like to get one in Hermione's hair. Well, let's not waste this one then! Malfoy it is!_

And so Seamus carefully picked up the paper airplane and kissed it gently, then he pulled his arm back and released the parchment plane, watching it sail towards his target.

* * *

Now Draco, quite unaware of Seamus' plan and his staring of him, didn't notice the airplane coming at him. He was too busy listening to Pansy's boring stories. _Does she **ever **shut up? I can't even hear her anymore; I just see the lips moving... Hmm...they do move fast. If only her brain functioned as quickly as that..._

But his train of thought was interrupted when the airplane hit Draco smack in the forehead. The tip of the plane was so sharp, blood trickled down Draco's forehead. His eyes soon darted to the Gryffindors as he caught a glimpse of the criminal.

* * *

Seamus was trying _very _hard not to laugh, but eventually had to cover his mouth as tears rolled down his cheeks and his stomach felt like it was about to burst. He even saw Draco glare at him, yet he couldn't help but laugh harder. He looked absolutely idiotic with that dot in the middle of his forehead. And as he wiped the blood and still stared at Seamus, Seamus couldn't help but smirk, taunting the already mad Slytherin.

* * *

"Draco? Draco honey? What's wrong?" Pansy asked, stopping her never-ending rambling.

Draco ignored Pansy's gasp as she started panicking over the blood. He had whipped out a piece of parchment paper and was ready to create havoc. Well, a fight at least.

* * *

Seamus' eyes widened as he saw Draco's intent, and his newest villain grin. He, as well, got out one of the plentiful parchment papers he owned. Fast and swift, he made an airplane faster than Draco. Of course he didn't launch it. His strategy was really mind-boggling; it was as if he knew about the _real _Air Force.

* * *

_I'm going to get that bloody Gryffindor. He'll be sorry. Why, when I'm done with him, the Gryffindors will find themselves one short._

Malfoy looked up and glared again. _How dare he smirk back at me! Only I, Draco Malfoy, should be allowed to smirk. Filthy Gryffindor, as if they ever committed a crime. Oh, but Saint Potty has, but I won't even go there. But wait...I **do **have spare parchment paper. Hmm, after Finnegan I suppose._

And so Draco hurled the paper airplane. Little did Seamus know that he had charmed it to hit the target at all costs.

* * *

_Amateur, everyone knows you never launch an airplane like **that**._

Seamus shook his head and didn't even bother trying to dodge for it until he saw the airplane take a sharp turn...towards...him.

_What?! He charmed it?! The little cheater! Everyone knows the ancient rules of airplane making! What a shame, what a disgrace, what a...a...Slytherin! He'll pay for this!_

Seamus ducked the first swoop, and the airplane smashed into the wall. _Ha, that'll show him. _

But the airplane fixed itself and flew back up. Seamus could feel Draco's smirk at the moment, burning into his skin. Not wanting to admit defeat, Seamus got up out of his seat. This did indeed attract a lot of attention.

"And I presume you are doing what...?" Snape said coolly. "Sit back down, five points from Gryffindor."

Seamus didn't listen as he ran into the middle of the classroom, ducking the whole way. The airplane made a few more dives, missing all of them as Seamus did summersaults.

"YEAH! AIRPLANE WAR!" a voice yelled. No one knew who had said it; everyone just knew that it created absolute havoc.

Now I will let you know who this mysterious person was...although it wasn't very mysterious at all. Of course it was Ronald Weasley who had, coincidentally, received a whole pack of the new flying airplanes Fred and George had launched. So he brought them out and chunked them at the sworn enemy...the Slytherins.

This wasn't like any war; it only lasted about ten minutes. No, it wasn't the fact that Snape was shouting and throwing spells here and there. It was just because the Gryffindors absolutely _creamed _the Slytherins. Literally. You see, Ron had thrown some Canary Creams, too.

The Gryffindors simply had the best airplanes, indestructible, precise, and tenacious. The Slytherins suffered _many _paper cuts. Fortunately the only loss on the Gryffindor side was the entangling of Hermione's hair.

"Get them out!" Hermione moaned as she ran her fingers through her hair. Her fingers got stuck as a few more scraps of paper fell out.

"Jeez 'Mione, have you ever tried making it straight?" Ron muttered as he tried to help. Hermione heard the side comment.

"Yes, in fact I have Ronald Weasley. If you _do _remember the Yule Ball." Hermione snapped.

"You guys stop arguing, this isn't working. More airplanes keep flying into us. Here, Ron you block them off while I try to help Hermione." Harry decided as he waved away another airplane.

After Harry helped untangle Hermione's hair, Ron had gained quite a few paper cuts as well.

"Snape really has lost control of this class," Hermione sighed.

It was true, they could see Snape yelling, but they couldn't hear it because of the zooms of the paper airplanes and the yells of the savage barbarians. Also known as the Gryffindors and Slytherins.

Finally ammo was lost, well that didn't take long, and Snape's face seemed to be a new shade of red, unknown to us.

This was when everyone stopped and you could actually hear Snape's voice, now very hoarse.

"THAT'S IT...I QUIT!" Snape yelled. He stomped out furiously. Everyone in the classroom cheered except for a few Slytherins.

Snape walked back in as the class immediately became silent.

"_Actually_, I've decided that I quitting would only please you all which isn't my intent at all. Therefore, I've decided to make you all spend detention, WITH ME. And _expect _your Potions class to be _hell_." Snape said with a crazy grin. He indeed sounded and looked psycho.

And he even laughed like a maniac as he walked out...to Finch's office. The whole class was afraid, they were _very _afraid, because detention, and class, was _really _going to be hell. One where extraordinary memories would be created and kept, like a good comedy show.

A/N: I've decided to make the next chapter the detention/class. Some ideas would help; I'm not sure how to spice it up with comedy. I hope you liked this one, it wasn't as funny, but that's how I feel about all of them. Probably because I write them. Please review!


	13. Detention With Snape

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.  
A/N: Thanks to all of my reviewers! Sorry for the lack of comments, I know I've been slacking but try to understand, I'm so busy with school! But this chapter is pretty long so I do hope you enjoy it!

**Detention With Snape**

**By: Helen Li**

**Dedicated to: STARINA69**

Snape walked down the aisle of desks slowly. His shoes made the soft _clunk_ every step he took. He glared down upon the silent students who had arrived to detention. As he checked his list to make sure every student was here, he turned on his heel and narrowed his eyes.

"Now, for all the potions you all have destroyed your task for the next three hours is to complete this list." Snape sneered as he pointed at the chalkboard. The list was quite complicated and was clear that the whole class would in fact be spending every bit of the three hours to finish.

"I have matters to attend to, so I expect to come back with this all done. If _anything _and I mean ANYTHING goes wrong, you can bet the worst shall come." Snape threatened. He gave one last glare as he walked out of the classroom, his robes trailing behind him.

About one minute after Snape had left the room, the silence was broken.

* * *

"That'll take us _forever _to do!" Ron exclaimed.

"Well don't expect _me _to help; Snape can't do anything to us Slytherins." Pansy smirked.

"I don't think so, Snape seems angry enough to take away points from his own house!" Neville shook his head.

"Well my father will stop him if he tries to do anything disastrous." Malfoy said haughtily.

"He can't stop me," Ron growled.

"Oh really? Does the Weasel want to challenge me?" Malfoy said in mock shock.

"Challenge? You're already dead meat!" Ron shouted as he whipped out his wand.

"Great, not even _five minutes _into detention and we already have a fight brewing!" Hermione rolled her eyes as she crossed her arms. Such havoc was already ordinary to the class.

Crabbe and Goyle stepped next to Malfoy on each side. They pulled their wands out threateningly. Harry and Hermione answered the call, standing on either side of Ron.

It's obvious to say that the Gryffindors lined up on one side and the Slytherins on the other.

"You guys! We can just _make _the potions and get it over with!" Pavarti complained.

The Slytherins looked at one another and back at the Gryffindors. At the same time the Gryffindors looked at each other and then back at the Slytherins.

"Nah," everyone replied in unison.

* * *

Now this fight I absolutely _must _elaborate on, for it was funnier than anything else.

You see, Ron was having fun with his 'eat slugs' hex. Many Slytherins who suffered from Ron's attacks were seen hurling slugs.

"Ew..." Pansy shuddered. Pansy was having quite the time giving out bad hairdo hexes.

"Your hair! It's-it's orange!" Harry gasped at Hermione. Hermione looked on the verge of tears. But she then pulled herself together and shot a tripping hex at Pansy. Pansy fell over and landed in a pile of slugs.

"AAH!" Pansy screeched. She didn't get back up, for she had fainted.

"Well, that solves things." Harry shrugged. He turned around to get hit by one of Crabbe's hexes.

Well he was hit by it...but all it did was send Harry back a little. Crabbe was trying to hex Harry so that his robes would change into a pink tutu, but obviously his skills were not all that great. So Harry shrugged and shot back a skin changing hex. Crabbe found himself with lizard skin.

As Pansy awoke, her eyes fell upon Crabbe's skin and she fainted again. Hermione laughed and decided to make her hair purple so she would be in for a nasty surprise.

But as Hermione was about to shoot that hex at Pansy, Malfoy had shot one at Hermione. As if in slow motion, Hermione flew across the room and hit, but of course, the cabinet of potions. You couldn't really hear the shattering since it was quite loud in the room. But Malfoy was having a great time with curses and spells. They were of course way worse than any hex.

"Hey! You could have really hurt Hermione!" Harry said angrily as Hermione got up slowly, rubbing the back of her head.

"But unfortunately I didn't." Malfoy shot back.

This was it. Harry actually tackled Malfoy to the ground. Everyone around stopped to stare at the two. It was really funny since Malfoy had no sense of muggle fighting. Harry was punching Malfoy's face over and over as Malfoy laid on the ground, helpless. Then Crabbe and Goyle joined, following Ron.

It was three against two, but Malfoy was such a wuss it became two against two.

Finally Hermione came to her senses and she used a stunning spell against Crabbe and Goyle. _Good, everyone's listening._

"ALRIGHT EVERYONE! IF SNAPE COMES BACK AND THESE POTIONS AREN'T MADE WE'LL BE PUMPKIN JUICE!" Hermione yelled.

The room stayed silent as everyone contemplated Hermione's words.

"Well we haven't any time left!" Seamus pointed out.

The murmur of agreement was heard among the rest.

"Well, we'll have time if we work our arse's off!" Hermione said, frustrated.

"Actually...the ingredients we need were sort of destroyed." Seamus admitted.

"Then we'll have to owl the potion's store in Hogsmeade to send us some!" Hermione shouted.

"We haven't the money for _all _those potions." Ron snorted.

Then everyone slowly turned around to stare at Malfoy. Malfoy stared down at his shoes, scuffing the ground a bit. He looked up and rolled his eyes.

"Alright, alright. But you all owe me!"

* * *

So after the fight had ended, everyone had come to their senses, and the galleons paid, the whole class awaited for the potions. Malfoy grumbled as he forked over a hundred galleons, but seeing as though even his fellow Slytherins would turn on him if he didn't pitch im, he gave up the money.

"We only have an hour left!" Pavarti panicked. "Do you think Hedwig found the store?"

"Are you trying to insult my owl? Of course Hedwig found the store, it's probably just waiting to bring back all the potions." Harry snapped back.

"Then shouldn't we send more owls to bring back the potions?" Neville pointed out.

So everyone who had an owl sent it to the potion's shop in Hogsmeade.

Now while waiting, everyone had to undo the hexes and such and clean up the classroom until it looked like it was just as it was when they entered it. But since they have wands, unlike you and I, this really only took ten minutes and everyone looked glumly at the clock.

All of a sudden, footsteps could be heard from outside. Everyone's eyes widened and Seamus quickly peeked out.

"It's Snape! He's coming back to check on us!"

Now this really was quite a problem.

"Quickly, everyone grab something and act like you're working on some of the potions!" Hermione hissed.

But all the potions in the cabinet were destroyed, so this was going to be hard to do. Fortunately, Harry found some untouched ingredients and he tossed it to the Gryffindors first, then when he saw there was enough, he gave it to the Slytherins. Everyone pretended to be working silently as Snape walked into the classroom.

Snape narrowed his eyes and looked around the room. _Well...everything looks like it's in order here. But something...something seems suspicious..._

"It smells like _owls _in here. Would any of you care to explain that?" Snape sneered. "Potter?"

Harry gulped and turned around.

"I have no idea what you're talking about sir, Hedwig's just taking her nightly flight. We've been working the whole time." Harry lied.

"Well get back to work!" Snape snapped as he turned on his heel and stomped out of his room. "I'll be back in forty minutes!"

After he left, a series of relieved sighs could be heard throughout the room.

"What are we going to do? We have forty minutes left and we don't even know if the potion's store has even decided to _send _the potions." Pavarti groaned.

"And if the owls don't come back with the potions, they better come back with my money." Malfoy threatened.

So everyone turned to face Hermione, glaring angrily.

"Well do _you guys _have a better idea?" Hermione snapped.

Then Harry leaned next to Hermione and whispered,

"Ron and I could go check on the potions."

Hermione looked thoughtful and nodded.

So Harry and Ron walked out of the room as the rest of the class was getting suspicious.

"How exactly are Harry and Ron going to go to Hogsmeade?" Malfoy narrowed his eyes.

"That's none of your business," Hermione retorted. "Now everyone stay calm."

So nothing much happened in the room as everyone was idle. So let's go to Harry and Ron!

* * *

They had sneaked out with the Marauder's map and the invisibility cloak just fine. They had already made it to the streets of Hogsmeade as they searched for the potion's store. Well, there were only two stores with flocks of owls. One, being the one which Harry bought Hedwig from, the other being the potion's store. The two crept quietly to the door.

The candles flickered inside the store, and the door was open. Harry and Ron looked at each other hesitantly, but walked inside.

"Who's there?" interrupted a voice.

Harry and Ron dropped the cloak to reveal themselves.

"Are you two the ones that own these owls?" the owner said gruffly.

"Yes sir," Harry replied.

"So you sent the list of potions and the money?"

"Yes sir."

"And you need this...soon?"

"Yes sir."

"How soon?"

"About...twenty minutes sir..."

"Are you a student from Hogwarts?"

"Um...yes sir..."

"I'm not even going to ask. But I do presume this would be for some sort of detention?"

"Yes sir."

"Well you're just in time, the potions are ready."

"Thank you sir."

But Harry and Ron dared not carry the potions themselves, fearing to drop them, so they put the potions in a case and let each owl carry a load.

As they tip toed back into the room, they saw the potions had made it. They were sitting on the tables, but then they saw Snape. They tried to pull up the invisibility cloak quickly, but it was too late, Snape saw them.

"Well, Potter and Weasley, I see you've decided to join us. Miss Granger was just about to explain about your absence."

The two peered at Hermione. She was looking quite stressed and clueless of what to make up. She gave Harry and Ron a sympathetic look as Snape turned back around.

Well, let us go back to when Harry and Ron had left.

* * *

Everything seemed alright as the students anticipated Harry and Ron's return. Seamus had snuck out since he had to go to the bathroom really badly. But when he returned he was gasping and everyone asked him immediately what was ," Seamus gasped in broken words.

"But it hasn't even been three hours!" Neville exclaimed.

Seamus took in deep breaths and replied,

"I heard him talking to Dumbledore, he decided he gave too much time and he was suspicious of us."

"How far away is he?" Hermione winced. She knew she probably didn't want to hear the truth.

"He'll be here in a minute."

Everyone rushed back to their positions, pretending to be working. But then, as if a miracle occurred, a caw could be heard and everyone turned back around. Owls came through the open window, dropping the packages.

The Gryffindors and Slytherins caught the packages as if they were the Golden Snitch. They quickly took out the potions and placed them on the counters. After all the potions were on the tables, everyone stood there, acting as if they had worked long and hard.

"The owls!" Pavarti hissed at Hermione. Hermione gave back a Well What Do You Propose To Do look.

But right then Snape walked in the classroom. He looked around, and his eyes fell upon the flock of owls which were hard to miss. _I **knew **I hadn't imagined the scent of those owls!_

"Would someone care to explain the owls?" Snape said dangerously quietly.

"Um...well you see-"Hermione began.

"Don't speak," Snape held up his hand as he noticed something else was wrong. He walked down the row of students and stopped at the end.

"Where are Potter and Weasley?"

"Um you see they-"Hermione started.

But that brings us back to the present moment.

* * *

"_Well, Potter and Weasley, I see you've decided to join us. Miss Granger was just about to explain about your absence."_

"Well?" Snape pressed on.

"Harry and Ron were...going to the bathroom!" Hermione lied.

"Together?" Snape raised his eyebrow.

"No! I mean, they both had to go." Hermione said quickly.

"Then why does Mr. Potter have his invisibility cloak?" Snape crossed his arms. He snatched it from Harry's arms.

"Uh...he didn't want to get caught." Hermione replied.

"Going to the bathroom?" Snape was getting more suspicious.

"Well you see, he was...banned from the bathroom."

"Banned?"

"Um...yeah."

"Explain."

"Uh, he...flooded the sinks."

"I don't remember hearing about this."

"That's because it happened recently."

"How recent?"

"Um, recent enough that you didn't know about it."

"It sounds like you're lying."

"No-no, of course not sir."

"Then explain the owls."

"Err-they were hungry."

"Hungry?"

"Yes."

"Are you saying everyone's owls came _here _because they were hungry?"

"Yes sir."

"I don't see any owl food."

"Right...that's why...they're still here."

Snape narrowed his eyes. He knew that this story was a lie, but he had no proof since it _could _just _possibly _be the truth. Of course it wasn't, but Snape, again, had no evidence. So he walked to the tables, looking closely at each and every potion.

"Very well, the potions are alright. But...what's _this_?" Snape picked up one of the empty boxes where the potions had been in.

No one answered.

"Well, seeing as though you seem to know all the answers, answer Miss Granger!"

"They're boxes sir."

"_I can see that_. What are they doing here, since they obviously aren't mine?"

"Um...it's...for the owls."

"The boxes are for the owls..."

"Yes sir."

"Why on earth do the owls need boxes if they're hungry?"

"Well we were going to put some food in the boxes for them to eat."

"But you have no food."

"No sir."

"So you just have the boxes...yet you didn't get any food."

"That's right, sir."

Now the rest of the students were looking at the ground, avoiding Snape's gaze, thinking the exact same thing. _What on earth is Hermione Granger thinking?_

Snape turned on his heel and paced back and forth, thinking about the story. Finally he stopped and faced the whole class.

"Very well, you are all excused."

Everyone started towards the door.

"Except for Miss Granger."

Harry and Ron gave Hermione sympathetic looks as they walked out. Hermione gulped and turned around to face the Potion's teacher.

"Do _not_ and I repeat _not _bring owls into my class ever again. Is that clear?" Snape said coldly.

"Yes sir." Hermione said meekly as she walked out of the classroom. She quickly ran to catch up with Harry and Ron.

Snape shuddered at the sight of the owls. _Ugh, I hate those beastly things._

"GET OUT!"

The fluttering wings of the owls could be heard throughout the corridors, but that was the last time they flew from the Potion's classroom.

A/N: Sorry, I had a major writer's block on this one. I still think it's pretty crappy until the end when Hermione make's up the story. But please review, I hope to make the next one better!


	14. Scissors

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.  
A/N: Thank you to:

**Ronniekinsgrl**: Haha, no Snape won't quit...yet. :D

**xPussyWillowKittenx** : I hope this was soon enough, I know lately my stories haven't been as good...I feel horrible. :(

**supernova8610**: That's a good idea; I'll try to use it next time. Your idea was used for this one. :P

**Gurlsboy**: If you remember the Marauder's map and the Invisibility cloak, Harry used it in the fourth and fifth book, I think. Fred and George gave it to him, and he was able to sneak to Hogsmeade from the school.

**STARINA69**: I hope you read the last chapter, which was for you! This one is, too.

**Kiliana** **Lupin**: I'd do dungbombs, but I don't know much about them. :( I've been trying to aim for weird things that are banned at _our _schools which makes no sense of why they'd be banned at Hogwarts.

**shanmo**: That's hilarious! I don't know if I've shared my spitball experience, but it was at the library. My guy friends would come and shoot spitballs at people, which really annoyed the librarians. Actually, there are still two on the ceiling...it's been there for TWO years. shudders

**Tea'** : Thanks! That would be hilarious; I'll try to write that...it seems a little more challenging.

* * *

**Scissors**

**By: Helen Li**

**Dedicated to: supernova8610 & STARINA69 (You both had this idea!)**

_Snip Snip_

"Hermione! What are you doing?!" Ron gasped as he rushed over to the bookworm's desk.

Hermione glanced up from the piece of paper she was cutting.

"I'm cutting paper Ron..." Hermione said slowly.

"Uh, scissors aren't a tool in the wizarding world I'm guessing," Harry whispered to Hermione.

"_These _are scissors. I'm using them to cut out some decorations for the fliers." Hermione explained as she resumed her project.

"Well, why not just use magic?" Ron pointed out impatiently.

"Well, this is for S.P.E.W. and because the house-elves must labor so I've decided to put hard work into the fliers. ("That makes no sense," Ron muttered.) Besides, hand-made things are always better." Hermione said, ignoring Ron's side comment. She leaned forwards to pick up another piece of paper.

Hey, KEEP THOSE THINGS AWAY FROM ME!" Ron shuddered as he backed away slowly. He looked back at the scissors as shivers ran up his spine.

"I'm _not _going to hurt you, Ron." Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Oh sure, that's what they _all _say," Ron narrowed his eyes as he scooted next to Harry, feeling a bit more safe.

"RON WEASLEY! THERE IS NOTHING TO BE SCARED OF!" Hermione exclaimed.

Well we all know that scissors are nothing to be scared of, but as the scissors flew out of Hermione's hand..._everyone _knows _that's_ something to be scared of.

Ron dodged as the scissors whipped right over his head, snipping off some hair.

"MY HAIR!" Ron screamed.

This certainly got everyone's attention.

"Yes, Weasel. It is in fact, red; did you just happen to notice that? Oh, I forgot, your family can't _afford _a mirror. Don't worry; you're not missing out on much." Draco smirked.

Ron immediately started towards Malfoy. He had, in fact, picked up the scissors as he got up, not knowing it. So you can imagine the fear in Malfoy as a red-headed boy stomped towards him with scissors in his hands...

"Saying something, Malfoy?" Ron growled.

"N-no..." Malfoy stuttered as he backed away from the scissors.

Well like I said, Ron didn't know he had the scissors in his hands. _Did Malfoy just back down to me? That's strange..._

"What did you say?" Ron said in disbelief. Of course everyone else thought he said this to embarrass Malfoy a bit more.

"I-I wasn't saying anything," Malfoy squeaked.

Then Ron realized he was grasping onto something. _What's this I got in my hand? Wait...is it the-_

"SCISSORS!" Ron yelled as he let go of them as if they were infected with a deadly disease.

The scissors flew in the air, gleaming as the sun shone upon the metal. Malfoy shielded himself, but it was too late...his sight was gone.

"I CAN'T SEE! I CAN'T SEE!" Malfoy wailed as he ran about aimlessly. Yes, he eventually ran into the cabinet and fell down, unconscious. And yes, the potions they had bought, I mean, worked so hard on...were diminished.

"HOW DARE YOU!" Pansy screeched. She ran to aid Malfoy, but then saw the unknown liquid so she ran back.

"I'll get you for this, Weasley!" Pansy threatened. As she was threatening the Gryffindor, another Gryffindor was having some fun. You see, Seamus had picked up the scissors and, quietly, crept up behind Pansy. Yes, Pansy found herself with shorter hair.

"MY HAIR!" Pansy screamed, just like Ron. She whipped around with a deadly glare.

"Why, Pansy, what a nice hair-do you've got." Seamus said innocently as he hid the scissors behind him.

"You...you..." Pansy said, breathing heavily.

"I? Aye? Ey!" Seamus repeated, pretending to be confused.

"I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS, FINNEGAN!" Pansy shouted as she ran to go to the girl's bathroom.

Immediately, some Slytherin girls ran to aid Pansy.

"I thought that looked quite good on Pansy," Seamus laughed.

Crabbe and Goyle stepped forwards menacingly.

"If you mess with us, you mess with Pansy." Crabbe glowered.

"Yeah," Goyle added. It wasn't a very intelligent comment...but what am I talking about? It's Crabbe and Goyle!

Well everyone knew what Crabbe and Goyle meant...even if he said it backwards. It was something you adjusted to around the two blokes.

Seamus threatened the two with the shiny, metal object. Crabbe and Goyle backed away immediately.

"W-what is that?" Crabbe whispered.

"Scissors," Seamus shrugged as he looked down at the scissors and back at the Slytherins, grinning. _MAN it rocks to have muggle parents!_

"RUN!" Goyle yelled as he ran towards the door, Crabbe following him.

Too bad Goyle tripped over Pavarti's book bag. And it really is unfortunate that Crabbe fell on top of him. Well out of Pavarti's bag slid her mirror and as it reflected upon the light Crabbe and Goyle saw it and remembered the shiny scissors.

"AHHH!!!" Crabbe screamed along with Goyle.

Both got up...well it took a while as the rest tried not to laugh. Finally they scrambled up and ran towards the door...and into the door. Yes, they forgot that the door was _not _a swinging door.

"It's alright; they did that yesterday, too." Ron added.

It was about now that the Slytherins were absolutely petrified of the 'scissor', so they ran back to their desks. They Gryffindors did so, too, since the Slytherins had stopped bothering them.

And all was at peace, or at least as peaceful as it had ever been, until Snape entered. Well his entrance took a while since Crabbe and Goyle were blocking the door, so Snape had to wait for someone to levitate the two Slytherins out of the way.

That was, of course, a big hint that something was wrong in the classroom.

* * *

"_Why _may I ask, are Mr. Crabbe and Goyle on the ground?" Snape sighed. He didn't even look at the two...he was quite used to this by now.

"It was him!" one of the Slytherins shouted, pointing at Seamus.

"Yeah!" the rest of the Slytherins agreed.

"What? No, these were Ron's!" Seamus protested.

So everyone turned to the red head.

"No, they were Hermione's!" Ron shook his head.

"Ron!" Harry hissed.

"Oops..." Ron covered his mouth.

So everyone turned to the bushy haired Gryffindor who was looking at the ground, wishing she was the little dust ball on the ground instead of...her.

"Miss Granger, explain." Snape said coldly.

"They're really not harmful, sir. You see, I was just cutting some decorations for these fliers for S.P.E.W., which by the way if you'd like one feel free to take one, I still have tons left." Hermione began. Everyone rolled their eyes and Snape tapped his foot impatiently.

"Oh, erm, right, well they flew out of my hands and Ron took them and then they flew out of his hands and then Seamus had them and threatened Crabbe and Goyle and they ran into the door and then...well you came..." Hermione said in a VERY rushed voice.

"What is this 'flying' scissors you talk about?" Snape raised his eyebrow.

"They don't fly..." Hermione replied.

"But you said they flew out of Mr. Weasley's, Mr. Finnegan's, and your hands." Snape pointed out.

"I was using a figure of speech." Hermione exasperated. _Jeez, reminder to self: Never use figure of speeches that happen commonly around here..._

"Alright...but I find your story hard to believe." Snape crossed his arms.

"Why?" Hermione asked meekly.

"Because, _one _why would you cut out something using a _muggle _device? And there was that whole owl incident that one time," Snape sneered. He then shuddered as he thought of the owls.

"I did it so I'd be putting some _labor _into the fliers, just like the house elves do." Hermione shot back.

"Well then, twenty points off of Gryffindor for the disruption, and a detention for hurting students." Snape retorted. "Oh and...no more of these 'scissors', alright?"

* * *

"And so that's why scissors are banned, mother." Hermione finally finished explaining.

"Alright then honey...just don't bring them to school." Hermione's mom replied in disbelief.

"I know, but I don't get it... how did a pair of _scissors _cause so much chaos?" Hermione groaned.

"I know...and I thought the wizarding world was so sophisticated." Hermione's mom shook her head.

A/N: I hope this was better to you guys...


	15. Blurting

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.  
A/N: Thank you everyone for the wonderful reviews! I added this chapter as soon as I could, I hope to update as frequently.

* * *

**Blurting**

**By: Helen Li**

**Dedicated to: Caitlin in my Geometry Honors class. Jeez you really inspired this one.

* * *

**

For once it was a quiet day in the infamous Potions class. Snape was quite pleased as he carried on with his lecture. That was, until someone interrupted his perfect speech.

"I think my foot's broken." Lavender said with a blank face.

"What?" Snape asked. He had heard her quite clearly, but was a bit shocked by her random statement.

"I think my foot's broken." Lavender repeated.

"Would you like to see Madame Promfey?" Snape said sharply.

"Um...no, not really." Lavender hesitated.

"Well, then. Why not?" Snape snapped.

"I don't want to miss this class." Lavender replied honestly.

Well this was certainly something new. Why would anyone _not _want to miss Potions?

"I don't want to get lost and have to catch up," Lavender said quickly, as if reading Snape's mind.

"Well what's wrong with your foot?" Snape rolled his eyes.

"I think it's broken..."

"I know _that _much. How?" Snape said irritably.

"A fat girl stepped on it."

"Excuse me?"

"A fat girl stepped on it..."

"...alright then. So do you want to see Madame Promfey?"

"Yes."

"I'll write you a pass then."

"Wait, no!"

"...you need one if you are to roam the halls..."

"I know that, sir. I don't want to go though."

"You just said you did."

"Well, I did...but not now."

"Then _when _would you like to go, Miss Brown?"

"Um, at the end of class?"

"Well, have your next teacher write a pass for you."

"But why can't you just write a pass at the end of class?"

Snape sighed.

"Fine. I will write you a pass at the end of class. Now no more interruptions."

Snape continued from where he left off, a bit irritated by the random blurting of Lavender. He was talking for a couple of minutes, almost done with the lecture, until another interruption.

* * *

"Sir...my foot really hurts." Lavender complained.

"_Then would you like to see Madame Promfey_?" Snape gritted between his teeth.

"Well no..."

"How long has your foot been hurting?"

"Since yesterday."

"Then why didn't you inform your mother or father when you were on Christmas break?"

"I'm afraid of my mommy." Lavender joked, trying not to laugh. She was kidding, of course, as the rest of the class knew. Everyone snickered, but Snape had missed her comment.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Oh, um, I did."

"And did she take you to see a doctor?"

"No."

"Well, what did she do?"

"She told me to tough it out."

More snickers were heard among the students.

"Well can you wait until the end of class?"

"No."

"Then would you like to go see Madame Promfey?"

"No."

"_Then what would you like to do_?!"

"Could you see if it's broken?"

"WHAT?"

"Could you see if my foot's broken? Just look at it right here..." Lavender lifted up her foot and placed it on the desk casually. Snape shuddered and turned his head.

"I'm _not _examining your foot." Snape snapped, his head still turned.

"Why? You make potions with _disgusting _ingredients." Lavender shuddered. She didn't even bother mentioning any. "Besides, I wash my feet!"

"_I am not examining your foot_," Snape repeated with disgust.

"Well do you have any potions to help it?"

"_Not since you all destroyed them_."

"You _must _know some spell."

"Perhaps, but I'm not the person to do this."

"Why? You're a teacher."

"Yes...but-but I'm not an expert..."

"Well you've _got _to be better than Lockhart."

"_That's _quite obvious."

"So just say some anti-pain spell!"

"It's not that simple!"

"Oh and why not?"

"Lavender Brown, stop interrupting class and _get that foot off your desk_." Snape turned on his heel, narrowing his eyes.

"Yes sir," Lavender sighed.

"Now...where were we?" Snape murmured. "Oh, yes..." and he continued his boring lecture. This really was a review for the finals they were having the next day, but it was tedious and no one was paying attention. All of a sudden, the bell rang.

* * *

"We didn't even get to the project..." Snape thought to himself as the rest of the class got up and left in a hurry.

"Alright! Good job Lavender!" Ron gave Lavender a high-five, as the rest of the class did.

"I timed it, you wasted approximately thirty minutes!" Harry grinned.

"Wow, it was that long?" Lavender gaped.

"Yeah, even I didn't think you could do it." Seamus admitted.

"Well I think it's _wrong _and I would have loved to have gotten that project assignment!" Hermione said haughtily as she walked off by herself.

"We better go calm her down, thanks again Lavender!" Ron and Harry waved good-bye.

* * *

Snape doesn't converse with the students anymore.

* * *

A/N: I hope you liked it; it was a bit different then my other ones. I didn't have Snape quote, exactly, 'No more blurting!' because it seems repetitive and I liked this style. Anyways, this really did happen in my Geometry Honors class, but it was more like:

Caitlin: I think my foot's broken.

Mrs. Evans: What?

Caitlin: I think my foot's broken.  
  
Mrs. Evans: Well do you want to see the nurse?

Caitlin: I don't know...what would the nurse do?

Mrs. Evans: How would _I _know?

Caitlin: I don't know...

Mrs. Evans: Well do you want me to write a pass for you to go?

Caitlin: No...I don't want to miss this class. (You miss one day, you'll never catch up!)

Mrs. Evans: When did this happen?

Caitlin: Yesterday.

Mrs. Evans: So did you tell your mom?

Caitlin: No, I'm afraid of my mommy. (She's joking. The class laughs. Mrs. Evans misses her comment.)

Mrs. Evans: What?

Caitlin: Oh, yeah, I did.

Mrs. Evans: Well did she take you to see a doctor?

Caitlin: No.

Mrs. Evans: ...what did she do?

Caitlin: She told me to tough it out.

Mrs. Evans: So what exactly happened to your foot?

Caitlin: This fat girl stepped on it.

Mrs. Evans: Excuse me?

Caitlin: Oh...um this 'big' girl stepped on it.

Mrs. Evans: Well, I'll let you go to the nurse if you need to.

Caitlin: Can you send me at the end of class?

Mrs. Evans: Have your next period teacher send you then.

Caitlin: But I don't want to.

Mrs. Evans: Fine, I'll write you a pass. Now let's get back to proofs!

sigh, I loved that. Such a big waste of time.


	16. MASH

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.  
A/N: Thank you to my new reviewer, **sweetstrawberry211,** for all of your reviews, I actually do like them and appreciate them a lot. I'm glad you like my story, I like both of yours as well. Feel free to give some ideas!

And thank you everyone else, sorry I didn't have time to type comments.

* * *

**MASH**

**By: Helen Li**

**Dedicated to: Tea'**

"Hermione! Want to play MASH?" Lavender grinned.

"What's that?" Hermione asked.

"It's like a survey, it's really fun!" Pavarti replied.

"Okay, then." Hermione shrugged.

* * *

"Alright..." Lavender murmured as she finished writing down the blanks. "Done."

"Okay Hermione, pick three guys, any three guys. We'll pick the last one, though." Pavarti explained.

"Um...alright, Harry, Ron, and...Viktor." Hermione replied. "What exactly is this for?"

"You'll see." Pavarti grinned. "Lavender, put down...Malfoy?"

"I was thinking Neville, but you're right, Malfoy's worse." Lavender nodded. She quickly jotted down the names so that now the survey looked like,

**Boys:**

Harry

Ron

Viktor

Malfoy

"Okay, now pick three places, we'll pick the fourth." Pavarti instructed.

"Um, Egypt I suppose. Greece, and...the library." Hermione replied.

Lavender and Pavarti tried not to laugh, but finally thought up a worse place to have a honeymoon (besides the library),

"Potion's class!"

_Now _the survey looked like,

**Boys:**

Harry

Ron

Viktor

Malfoy

**Honeymoon**:

Egypt

Greece

Library

Potion's class

"Okay, now give us three colors." Pavarti said.

"Red, gold, and... (Hermione paused, thinking of another color besides the Gryffindor colors) blue." Hermione replied.

"Put down purple with green polka dots." Pavarti giggled.

Lavender laughed as she wrote down the colors.

**Boys:**

Harry

Ron

Viktor

Malfoy

**Honeymoon**:

Egypt

Greece

Library

Potion's class

**Wedding Dress color:**

Red

Gold

Blue

Purple w/ Green polka dots

"_What _is this for?" Hermione exasperated.

Lavender and Pavarti would only reply with,

"You'll see..."

"Okay, three types of pets." Pavarti went on.

"That's easy, cat, owl, and fish." Hermione shrugged.

"Alright," Pavarti nodded. She then leaned over and whispered to Lavender, "Snake!"

**Boys:**

Harry

Ron

Viktor

Malfoy

**Honeymoon**:

Egypt

Greece

Library

Potion's class

**Wedding Dress color:**

Red

Gold

Blue

Purple w/ Green polka dots

**Pet:**

Cat

Owl

Fish

Snake

"We're almost done. Three types of jobs?" Pavarti asked Hermione.

"Auror, of course. Let's see...librarian and a professor at Hogwarts." Hermione decided.

Pavarti and Lavender whispered again and both agreed upon, 'Caretaker.' Filch had to do the nastiest jobs around the school, and besides, a Death Eater would be quite harsh.

**Boys:**

Harry

Ron

Viktor

Malfoy

**Honeymoon**:

Egypt

Greece

Library

Potion's class

**Wedding Dress color:**

Red

Gold

Blue

Purple w/ Green polka dots

**Pet:**

Cat

Owl

Fish

Snake

**Job:**

Auror

Librarian

Professor (at Hogwarts)

Caretaker (at Hogwarts)

"Now three types of brooms." Pavarti questioned. "Don't worry; the next one is the last one."

"Um, I don't know much about brooms, but I guess a Cleansweep, Nimbus, and a Firebolt." Hermione shrugged.

"Not bad, not bad." Pavarti murmured. "Add a broken broom."

**Boys:**

Harry

Ron

Viktor

Malfoy

**Honeymoon**:

Egypt

Greece

Library

Potion's class

**Wedding Dress color:**

Red

Gold

Blue

Purple w/ Green polka dots

**Pet:**

Cat

Owl

Fish

Snake

**Job:**

Auror

Librarian

Professor (at Hogwarts)

Caretaker (at Hogwarts)

**Broom:**

Cleansweep

Nimbus

Firebolt

Broken broom!

"Alright give us three numbers." Pavarti pressed on.

"One, two, three." Hermione replied impatiently.

"Smart move...add one hundred." Pavarti spoke to Lavender.

"Oh that's impossible." Lavender shook her head.

"But it would be funny if she got Malfoy." Pavarti pointed out.

Lavender thought for a moment and then replied,

"Indeed."

**Boys:**

Harry

Ron

Viktor

Malfoy

**Honeymoon**:

Egypt

Greece

Library

Potion's class

**Wedding Dress color:**

Red

Gold

Blue

Purple w/ Green polka dots

**Pet:**

Cat

Owl

Fish

Snake

**Job:**

Auror

Librarian

Professor (at Hogwarts)

Caretaker (at Hogwarts)

**Broom:**

Cleansweep

Nimbus

Firebolt

Broken broom!

**Number of Children:**

One

Two

Three

One hundred

"Okay, now give us a random number." Pavarti asked for the last time.

"Seven."

* * *

Well, by now most of the class was watching attentively, since no one else knew what the three were doing. And as Pavarti and Lavender did the crossing out and such, no one even noticed when Snape entered the room. He also paused, to see what was going on. Lavender, Pavarti, and Hermione were oblivious that everyone was watching, so when Lavender announced the results...it created quite chaos.

* * *

"Hermione, you're going to marry Malfoy, have a honeymoon in Egypt, blue wedding dress, a snake as a pet, you're going to be a caretaker at Hogwarts, have a broken broom, live in an attic, and have one hundred children." Lavender shouted as she doubled over in laughter.

"WHAT?!" Malfoy immediately exclaimed. The three girls quickly turned around to see the whole class, and Snape, staring back with wide eyes.

Malfoy was having some mental pictures that were quite disturbing. But after shouting out, he passed out.

* * *

Then the Slytherin boys threw up at the thought of it as well. The Gryffindors, too, since Malfoy was just...disgusting. So the room was filled with a sickening smell of...vomit. And those who didn't vomit eventually did when they saw the person next to them barf.

Snape, who was having trouble keeping his stomach stable, managed to get rid of all the... stuff and the room smelled normal once again.

"Do not do whatever you were doing ever again." Snape managed to say before he threw up.

A/N: Yes, I actually did go through the list and count by sevens. But I forgot to include MASH so I did that separately. And I decided A would stand for 'attic' instead of apartment since they have flats over there. I couldn't remember all of the things you fill out, but I hope that's enough. Review!


	17. Lipstick

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.  
A/N: Wow!** 100 REViEWS! THANK YOU GUYS!**

**Lipstick**

**By: Helen Li**

**Dedicated to: supernova8610 (You mentioned make-up...hehe)

* * *

**

Hermione sighed as she took one last glance in her mirror. _Perfect!_ Ginny had given her this new lipstick in a shade of dark red. It had looked absolutely fabulous on Hermione, so she agreed after Ginny protested on letting Hermione keep it. Hermione wasn't into makeup, but she had to admit, it _did _bring out her lips nicely.

* * *

"Hermione...you look...different." Ron noted.

Hermione rolled her eyes and kept walking with her two best friends.

"Wait, now that Ron mentioned it...something _is _different!" Harry added. The two boys stopped and stared at Hermione.

Hermione stopped, too, and snapped,

"_What_?"

"Is it...your hair?" Ron murmured.

"No...maybe new robes?" Harry thought aloud.

"Nah...that's not ?" Ron said.

"_Contacts_?! First of all, I don't wear glasses in the first place! Secondly, contacts are a sort of _muggle _appliance!" Hermione burst out.

"So that's where I heard it from!" Ron declared.

"Then...what's different?" Harry asked.

"I'm just wearing some lipstick," Hermione said quickly as she started walking into the Potions class again.

"Now that you told us, you _are _wearing lipstick!" Harry rushed to catch up with Hermione.

Ron, did, too, and after a few seconds of silence he said,

"You're wearing that stuff that Ginny has!"

"No, _really _Ron?!" Hermione shot back sardonically.

"Really," Ron nodded.

Hermione rolled her eyes, _again_, and walked into the classroom hastily.

* * *

"Hermione!" Lavender squealed.

"Something looks _very _different about you," Pavarti giggled.

"Are you...wearing _make-up_?" Lavender whispered with a grin.

"If you _must _know, yes." Hermione retorted.

"Well I usually use charms, but I see you're using the muggle kind?" Pavarti noted.

"You know?" Hermione asked, surprised.

"Honey, we are _girls_. We know about every type of make up, be it muggle or not." Lavender grinned.

"What is _this_?" came a voice that belonged to Seamus.

Hermione turned around to see Seamus examining her tube of lipstick.

"What?! How dare you look through my book bag!" Hermione yelled furiously. She tried to snatch it back, but Seamus pulled back quickly.

"Answer my question!" Seamus demanded. He opened the tube and peered at the dark red substance. Curiously, he put some on his finger...and then into his mouth.

"Gross!" Lavender and Pavarti yelled out at once. Seamus' face turned into disgust as he spit out the lipstick.

"What is this?! Poison?" Seamus shouted as he threw it back at Hermione.

"It's _lipstick_." Hermione snapped.

"Lipstick?" Pansy interrupted. "Why of course only a mudblood would use some cheesy muggle make up."

She then looked at Hermione's lips and saw that well...it wasn't that bad...

"Well, I'll have a try myself, then." Pansy snatched the lipstick.

Hermione was burning with fury. _Is it just me or do I own **nothing **nowadays?! Can people just **respect **my belongings?! Oh no, of course not. That's completely insane! Then again, since when were my thoughts typed out?! Gah, insaneness!_

Pansy put it on...well more like smeared it on (she didn't know how to use muggle stuff) so she looked like she had eaten cherry pie. Without using a napkin, that is.

Draco walked over to see what was going on, so when Pansy turned around...he was in for a nasty shock.

Draco screamed like a girl and ran around in circles yelling,

"THEY'RE COMING! THEY'RE COMING!"

Everyone stopped to stare.

"Who's coming?" Seamus asked, confused.

"Them?" Neville shrugged.

"Right. I don't know him." Pansy turned back around. "So! How do I look?"

"Like crap, as usual," Ron muttered.

Pansy took out Hermione's mirror, as well...which only infuriated Hermione even more.

Pansy then screamed like a girl (which trust me, if you saw her, did not _seem _normal) and ran around yelling random words.

It was then that Crabbe and Goyle wanted to test out the lipstick on their selves.

"You put it on first," Goyle said dumbly.

Crabbe shrugged and put some on carefully. He actually did a better job then Pansy...

"How do I look?" Crabbe asked stupidly.

"Uh...I dunno," Goyle replied just as idiotically.

Goyle then put some on as well. The two looked at each other and shrugged, then turned around to face everyone.

Seamus was the first to notice and he yelled out (not very girl-ish like) and started running in circles yelling,

"LIPSTICK! LIPSTICK!"

Then everyone else saw Crabbe and Goyle and, well, there were many circles.

Professor Snape then walked in...and into Malfoy's circle.

"THEY'RE COMI-"Malfoy began...and ended. He then let his arms drop (he was waving them around like an idiot) and scooted aside.

"What is going on?!" Snape exasperated.

Everyone halted in their circle and stared at Professor Snape. Well, some fell down because they were too dizzy.

"The-the lipstick!" Seamus managed to choke out before he fell down from his head spinning around.

"Lipstick?" Snape raised his eyebrow.

Neville, who we have no idea why he had it, tossed the tube to Snape.

"This?" Snape sighed. "This is the problem? Somehow I'm not surprised..."

"She started it!" Pansy pointed at Hermione.

Hermione would have glared if she, too, was not on the ground...dizzy. (She was yelling out 'Ginny take the lipstick!' the whole time.)

And Harry would have come to Hermione's defense if he, too, was not down on the ground. (He was yelling, 'Worse than Voldemort! Worse than Voldemort!')

And yes, Ron would have jumped right in to save Hermione if he, just like a lot of other people, was not on the ground. (His phrase? 'Weasley is our king! Weasley is our king!')

"That's my lipstick...sir." Hermione confessed glumly.

"No...more...lipstick." Snape gritted between his teeth.

* * *

"THAT IS WHY I DON'T LIKE TO WEAR MAKE UP, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!" Hermione bellowed at Ginny.

A/N: Short...but hope you liked it! Sorry I didn't type any comments, I'll try to next time! Please review!


	18. Eating or Drinking

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.  
A/N: Thank you's:

**Ronniekinsgirl**: That's a wonderful idea that I think would sound hilarious, but for some reason it's so tough for me to write! I guess I'm not an expert in that area...haha.

**STARINA69**: Perfume sounds good, I might write that soon. (But I should wait to add another 'make-up' rule)

**supernova8610**: Great idea, I'm going to definitely use that soon! Although I can't picture the heat...the cold front just moved in down here...:(

**sweetstrawberry211**: Aww, I'm glad you like my story! I absolutely enjoy and love every review from you! Thanks SO much! I've added the girly scream to Malfoy's personality, hehe. Hopefully I can write another good chapter!

**JeanMarie**: Lots of ideas right there! Thanks! I'll definitely consider any muggle appliance, since this is fanfiction we can make up anything we want! (I also might say that Fred and George created something muggle like in their joke shop and charmed it to work in Hogwarts' grounds.)

**xPussyWillowKittenx**: Haha, I didn't think of MASH though! It was another idea given to me, you all give out great ideas!

* * *

**Eating/Drinking**

**By: Helen Li**

**Dedicated to: supernova8610 (You really do think up most of the ideas around here!)**

It was pretty quiet in Potions except for Snape's continuous lecture and the occasional sounds of rumbling stomachs. Lunch seemed so far away, and everyone was quite hungry.

Unexpectedly, an owl flew in from the open door. Snape scowled and thought to himself, _this is **exactly** why I don't like leaving the door open!_

The owl dropped a letter and flew back out. Snape glared at the owl and moved forward slowly to snatch the letter it had dropped. After reading it, Snape's lip curled into a sneer as he snapped,

"I will be absent from class for a moment, begin your assignment written on the board."

* * *

The class stayed quiet for a few more seconds after Snape left, just to make sure he couldn't hear. But there was a small sound of rustling paper. Neville was un-wrapping a bar of chocolate slowly, hoping no one would notice. He was hungry himself.

"Where's that sound coming from?" Ron almost drooled. _Oh I wish I had eaten more for breakfast!_

"It sounds like...a wrapper," Harry licked his lips as his eyes gleamed.

The two followed the sound to...Neville.

"What have you got there?" Ron almost lunged at Neville.

"N-n-nothing," Neville lied quickly.

"Rubbish, hand over what you've got!" Harry yelled as he pulled out his wand.

"Harry! What's gotten into you?" Hermione snapped.

"...the hunger, the hunger," Harry murmured as his eyes darted around wildly.

"I told you two breakfast is the most important meal of the day," Hermione rolled her eyes.

Neville quickly stuffed the chocolate into his mouth, chewed, and swallowed.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ron wailed as he fell on his knees. "YOU'VE EATEN THE LAST BIT OF FOOD LEFT FOR US! THERE'S NO WAY I CAN SURVIVE THE REST OF CLASS STARVING LIKE THIS!"

"Oh quit the drama, Ron. It's one hour till lunch." Hermione sighed.

"ONE HOUR?!" Seamus cried out. "There's no way I can wait until then!"

"There must be something else in here to eat!" Harry exasperated.

Draco picked up some of the ingredients and wondered aloud,

"Perhaps a potion could be filling..."

Everyone's eyes turned to the ingredients and each darted to it, ready to begin the assignment. Of course, they had no intent of turning in the potion they were to make. But when Snape walked in to check on the classroom, he nodded approval to himself as he walked back out. No one noticed him, but continued on making something edible.

"Done!" Hermione cried out. She had begun to feel the growling in her stomach, so she gladly started to pour the potion down her throat until...

"Thanks, _mudblood_," Draco sneered after he snatched the potion. Hermione whipped around and glared at the Slytherin.

As Draco dipped the beaker to drink the contents, he, too, was interrupted.

"Not so fast!" Harry yelled as he grabbed it from Draco.

"Well, this sure reflects upon your Seeker abilities," Harry laughed as he held onto the beaker teasingly. "Can't catch the Snitch, can't keep it..."

Draco growled and lunged at Harry. Fortunately, Draco didn't get the potion, but neither did Harry. The potion flew out of his hands, and it seemed like slow motion as it sailed across the air. (Of course it did, they do this all the time in movies.) It landed, accidentally, into Crabbe's hands.

Well, we all know there's one thing Crabbe is good at; eating. So he quickly gulped down the potion and formed a relieved smile. At least one in the classroom had a full stomach.

"NOOO!" Draco yelped. Immediately, everyone started chasing after Crabbe.

It was amazing, really. You see, the potion Hermione had made was a Quickening Potion. (What a coincidence, eh?) So Crabbe was running really quickly. Well, he was running a little faster than most people because in reality he was really slow and the Quickening Potion only sped him up to a bit faster than normal people.

"CATCH HIM!" Harry roared.

If you have ever seen one of those stupid movies (yes, I refer to them often), then you have seen those stupid angry mobs. Well in reality we don't have angry mobs; we just have tenacious protesters and psycho paths that just use a gun. Tenacious, by the way, is referred to the word 'annoying' here. And I happen to fall into the category of a psycho path, minus the gun. (Whoever thought that carrying arms was illegal is just stupid!) So, as the students of Snape's potions class stampeded down the corridors, keep in mind that this would have never happened in reality. Actually, none of this is real, but nevertheless, back to the story!

* * *

Snape was humming to himself as he walked into the classroom...only to find it empty. _Where the bloody hell is everyone?!_

So as Snape started surveying the room, back to Crabbe and the rest!

* * *

Harry was the first to catch up and bring Crabbe down. (Yes he needs to steal the fame all the time, it's his character role. Bloody annoying prat who must take the spotlight because he's an arrogant irritating human being.)

So, if you'd like to refer to the 'stupid movies' category, picture Crabbe tumbling down in slow motion yelling in slow motion and hitting the ground in slow motion (with the exaggerated thud).

Of course this didn't happen in real life, Crabbe just went down in two point five seconds and the rest of the herd attacked him. But then it became obvious that there was no point since Crabbe had no more of the potion...but it was then that Snape had found the students of his Potions class.

"WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING OUT IN THE CORRIDORS? FIFTY POINTS OFF EACH HOUSE AND DETENTION FOR YOU ALL!" Snape roared.

Well, his message went through each student's ear...and out the other. You see, they were focusing on the box of Bertie Bott's that Snape happened to be holding.

It was stupid (as a lot of things are in this story and in life), but everyone tackled the Potion's professor down. It only took Snape a few seconds to flick his wand here and there to bring his class back to earth.

Hermione was the first to realize...the hunger had driven them to insanity! Snape was the first to realize...he had still lost his Bertie Bott's! (Ron was chewing on them in the corner.)

"THAT'S IT!" Snape thundered in fury as he saw his Bertie Bott's were gone and eaten. "NO MORE EATING, NOR DRINKING IN CLASS!"

You know what they say; breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

A/N: Hope you got the last bit; everyone ate more breakfast due to their hunger of the day. I'm quite pleased that I updated so early, so review please!


	19. Daydreaming or Sleeping

A/N:  
Thank you's:  
**web of dreams**: I'm glad you laughed at my story! I don't think it's as funny as some of my one-shots, but thanks for your review! I'll try to show the reaction of other houses, but it sounds sort of difficult since the Potions class is only Gryffindors and Slytherins.

**YamiClara**: Thanks for your review! I'm glad you think my story is funny. Snape definitely is going insane...

**JeanMarie**: Thanks for your ideas, the 'laptop' might work...hehe.

**supernova8610**: You give me the most ideas! (That's why most of the chapters are dedicated to you) But you'll see another one of your ideas in the next chapter!

**sweetstrawberry211**: Great ideas! I like the baseball bats the most...lol. But they're all good, so I can't wait to use some of them! Thanks for your review! I love your story, Dream On!

* * *

**Daydreaming**

**By: Helen Li**

**Dedicated to: Van Gogh. Man, that guy's paintings get all expensive _after _he dies. Depressing, so I decided he deserves this chapter...and supernova8610. You mentioned sleeping, well this is pretty much the same. Hehe.**

Harry sighed. It was a _boring _day during Potions. Yes, quite rare. Harry's head rested upon his hand as his elbow lay on the desk. He yawned, feeling a bit drowsy. His eyelids drooped slowly, but Harry quickly forced himself awake. Except when he awoke he found that he wasn't in the Potions room...

* * *

"Where am I?" Harry wondered aloud.

He looked down and saw that he was very, _very, **very, VERY**_ high up in the sky. It seemed that he was standing on a cloud...but that wasn't physically possible. Heck, who cares, everything's possible with a wand, eh?

"Ah, the question asked most often for those who find themselves here." a wise (well, he sounded like it) old man stepped forward. He held a staff in his right hand, and his hair was pure white.

"Oh shut up Gandalf, you always talk like some wise guy, but you're an idiot." Sauron snapped.

"Idiot? You're the one who had thousands of troops, yet failed to defeat _two _hobbits. One, really... but what can I say? You're pathetic." Gandalf sneered.

"Oh yeah? At least I'm straight." Sauron smirked.

"Hey, that's not cool." Gandalf frowned. "But either way, you don't attract anyone."

Sauron scowled and retorted,

"Likewise."

"Ignore them, they're always like that." another one stepped forward.

"Could you answer my question? Where am I?" Harry exasperated.

"Heaven." The stranger replied simply. He began walking away from Gandalf and Sauron, so Harry followed.

"But I-"Harry began.

"No, you're not dead. Seems like you're just visiting." the man shrugged.

Harry was quiet and thought for a moment. Yes, we all know what he was thinking about.

"Could I...visit someone then?" Harry asked slowly.

"Who?"

"Sirius Black."

"Never heard of him, but did he die recently?"

"Well...yes."

"Alright then, we can check the books."

"Books?"

"Uh...just follow me. By the way, my name's Van Gogh."

"Van Gogh? The famous artist?" Harry gaped.

Van Gogh stopped and turned around, his face red with anger.

"Yes, the _famous _artist. Except I became famous _after _I died. Sold only _one _bloody painting while I lived! But noooooo, only when you _die _your paintings are worth millions." Van Gogh ranted, his fists clenched tightly.

"You know...you _did _look familiar." Harry stared at Van Gogh's missing ear.

"Watch out, he doesn't like it when people stare at his missing ear." whispered another person. Harry jumped, startled by the intrusion.

"Don't worry, dear, I won't hurt you." the woman reassured Harry.

"And who are _you_?" Harry sighed wearily.

"Glenda, the good witch of the North. Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?" Glenda asked, narrowing her eyes as she held her wand.

"I'm not a witch, witches are old and ugly." Harry replied. He had no idea where these words came from, but of course not! He isn't the author, I am! He's just a stupid character with an ugly scar on his forehead and dorky glasses. Arrogant...bloody...prick...

"Ah, only bad witches are ugly." Glenda replied warmly.

"...dude you just asked if I was a bad witch? You tryin to say something?" Harry raised his eyebrow. "Besides, I'm a _wizard_."

"Wizard? Why they're off to see the wizard!" Glenda ignored Harry's first comment.

Harry turned around to see a girl dressed in a blue plaid dress, a scarecrow, lion, and a tinman.

"We're off to see the wizard! The wonderful wizard of Oz! Because, because, because, because, becauuuuuuuseee, because of the wonderful things that he does!" the four sang.

Then the four stopped and stared at Harry's direction.

"What? Staring at my missing ear I suppose!" Van Gogh shouted a bit...paranoid.

"Wow! You have a missing ear! I bet the wizard of Oz could give you a new ear!" Dorothy exclaimed.

"...didn't you give your ear to your girlfriend or something?" Harry asked cautiously, not wanting to anger him too badly.

"OH, SO THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY! NO, I DID NOT BLOODY _GIVE _MY EAR AWAY, NOR CUT IT OFF ON PURPOSE! IT WAS THAT STUPID COCONUT! CAN'T BREAK THOSE DAMNED THINGS OPEN! I GOT A HUGE KNIFE IN THE END AND BROUGHT IT ALL THE WAY BACK, BUT HAD TO SLICE MY EAR OFF TRYING TO BRING THE KNIFE DOWN ONTO THAT STUPID COCONUT! NEVER GOT THAT COCONUT OPEN!" Van Gogh raged on.

"He doesn't eat coconuts anymore," Glenda whispered into Harry's ear.

"...you all eat?" Harry asked, surprised.

"Well...no. Either way, he doesn't eat coconuts." Glenda shrugged.

"Well...can I go see my godfather now?" Harry suddenly remembered his whole mission to find Sirius.

"Godfather? I used to have a godmother!" _another _voice interrupted.

"Where are all these people coming from?!" Harry yelled out loud.

"Well, this is sort of the main cloud that everyone dwells on to watch the humans down there. All the other clouds are too high up." Glenda explained.

Harry rolled his eyes and turned back to the girl who had randomly interrupted Harry.

"She _was _a nice godmother, but she doesn't give me anything anymore!" Cinderella wailed.

"THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE STUPID! YOU WHINE ALL THE TIME! CAN'T DO ANYTHING YOURSELF! YOU HAVE TO HAVE EVERYTHING HANDED TO YOU ON A SILVER PLATTER!" the godmother (who happened to be on the same cloud) screeched.

"But didn't she work really hard and do all the chores for her stepsisters?" Harry remembered the old fairytale.

"SO THAT'S WHAT YOU ALL MADE UP! NO, SHE DIDN'T DO _DIDLY SQUAT! _SHE NEVER GOT ALONG WITH HER STEPSISTERS, WHO WERE ALL PRETTIER THAN HER, AND SHE NEVER LISTENED TO HER STEPMOM! I WAS TRYING TO BE NICE, BUT _NOOOOOO _CINDERELLA HAD TO KEEP ASKING AND ASKING AND ASKING!" the godmother kept screeching.

"A lot of people here sure do keep grudges," Harry muttered.

"Now, now, let's get Harry to the books." Glenda said softly, calming down the godmother.

Cinderella stuck her nose up in the air and crossed her arms, refusing to talk to her godmother.

Everyone began walking in the direction where Harry supposed the 'books' would be, until Cinderella screamed,

"DUCK!"

No, she wasn't talking about the stupid animal that lives in your nearby pond. Those are quite annoying and no matter how much you feed it, the duck _will _try to nip you with its beak. That's why the Chinese eat ducks.

She was, in fact, referring to the plane heading towards their cloud. So all the 'dead' people floated onto another cloud while Harry found himself stuck on the cloud...with a plane coming towards him.

"We can't help you! We're dead, so we can't touch you! Try to use your wand or something!" Glenda called.

Too late, the plane went...through Harry. Harry couldn't believe it. But he could see the passengers...and they all had a look of horror on their face, as if they had seen a ghost.

"Don't worry, happens all the time. I love seeing their expression!" Van Gogh laughed.

"M-maybe one I g-get my c-courage, I won't b-be afraid of t-the p-planes," the cowardly lion shuddered.

"TO THE BOOKS!" Glenda shouted. Everyone followed the 'good' witch, until she formed into her little bubble thing. Then Van Gogh took out a paintbrush and popped the bubble.

"Hey!" Glenda protested as she fell out.

"I love doing that..." Van Gogh sighed.

So she led the rest by walking. Finally they reached a podium. This podium was extremely tall, at least the size of the troll Harry went up against in his first year. At the very top was a very short man, about the size of Professor Flitwick.

"Name?" the man asked dully.

"Go, give his name!" Van Gogh hissed to Harry.

"S-sirius Black." Harry said nervously.

"Louder!" Glenda whispered.

"SIRIUS BLACK!" Harry yelled.

The short man rolled his eyes as the book opened up by itself. Pages flipped quickly, creating a lot of wind. The short man was bald, though, so he waited patiently for the pages to stop.

"Invalid entry," the man replied.

"What?" Harry asked.

"IT MEANS HE'S NOT HERE, HARRY!" the man yelled. But the man kept repeating Harry's name, confusing Harry only more.

Suddenly Harry woke up to see Snape yelling at him.

"Glad you could _finally _join us. Five points from Gryffindor. And no more daydreaming!" Snape snapped.

A/N: I just had to write this! I started thinking about this when I thought about Van Gogh and how it really did suck to become famous after you die...well the idea sort of got bigger and bigger, as you can see.


	20. Action Figures

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.  
A/N: Thank you for all the nice reviews and ideas! Now I have a lot to work from! Yay!

**Action Figures**

**By: Helen Li**

**Dedicated to: supernova8610 (I should just dedicate this whole series to you...lol)**

Harry's arm was bent all the way back. His head was twisted in a whole 360, and his clothes were tattered. Hermione was kneeling next to him, weeping. Voldemort was dead as well, but he comes like that in the package. Draco stood in the corner with a smirk. (He was happy about Harry's death, but didn't care much about Voldemort.) Ron stood gloriously (apparently he had killed Voldemort).

"Ron!" Lavender gasped. "What have you got there?!"

"Hehe..." Ron said sheepishly. "Just some role-playing..."

"You're saying that I'm going to die?" Harry raised his eyebrow, after he had sneaked up behind Ron.

"You always win! But now _I_ win!" Ron triumphed as crossed his arms.

"Ah...but look what I have here!" Harry grinned. He pulled out Ron's action figure that was wearing purple boxers with green polka dots. (A/N: This reminds me of a certain dinosaur...shudders)

"NO!" Ron was horrified.

"Oh yeah," Harry smirked.

"How dare you steal my smirk!" Draco gasped as he entered the room. He rushed over to the Gryffindor's desk.

Then he glanced down and saw the action figures.

"NO MY SMIRK! IT IS SOOOOO TRADEMARKED! WHAT IS THIS?! SOME NEW CURSE?!" Draco cried out as he picked up his action figure, chunking it across the room.

"HEY! THAT COSTED ME A FEW SICKLES, YOU KNOW!" Ron protested angrily.

"I'm only worth a few sickles?" Malfoy frowned.

"I wouldn't have even bought you if you hadn't come with You-Know-Who," Ron muttered.

"Who?" Malfoy asked, confused.

"You-Know-Who."

"...if I knew who I wouldn't be asking you."

"You know, You-Know-Who!"

"I know, I know who?"

"Argh! HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED!"

"But the guy was obviously named if he exists...correct?"

"He means Voldemort," Harry finally got out the name as Ron shuddered.

"Oh. Voldemort? I want to see his action figure!" Malfoy cackled gleefully.

"Don't...say...that...word," Ron gritted between his teeth.

"What? Voldemort?" Malfoy asked as Ron winced.

"YES THAT WORD!"

"Haha, you're afraid of a wooooord! VOLDEMORT! VOLDY, VOLDY, VOLDEEMORRT!" Malfoy sang.

It was sad...no one else flinched except for Ron. Why? Because this is a happy story where Voldemort does not show up and torture people to insanity. But Ron will always fear the name...

"Well, let me see it." Malfoy said impatiently.

Ron threw the Voldemort action figure at Malfoy.

"Doesn't really look exactly like him. His eyes are actually dark brown, not _black_," Malfoy sighed. "His lips aren't really black, either, they're more of a dark pink...sometimes I think he puts on lip gloss..."

"CAN WE NOT DISCUSS THIS?" Ron shouted.

"Ron, there's nothing to be afraid of. Harry will have all the glory and be this really cool hero by defeating Voldemort, the bad guy, who will have all the odds against him just because he's bad. Then either you or I will probably die, only because stories need to be depressing or else it looks corny." Hermione shrugged.

Ron glared at Hermione.

"AWW! IT'S MY WITTLE DRAKIE-POO!" Pansy squealed as she picked up Malfoy's action figure.

The trio looked at each other and burst out laughing.

"Drakie-poo?" Ron snorted.

"Shut it Weasel." Malfoy scowled.

"WHERE'S MY DOLL THINGY?" Pansy screeched as she saw that she wasn't in the pile of action figures.

"Well you see, they _were _going to make one of you, but it was really hard to look at a picture of you for more than, let's say, two seconds, so they gave up after their eyes started to water since it hurt so badly." Hermione smirked.

"NO! YOU ALSO STEAL THE SMIRK!" Draco yelled. He ran around in circles screaming like a little girl, 'MY SMIRK! MY SMIRK! MY SMIRK!'

That's when Crabbe and Goyle stepped forward menacingly, because they saw that their master needed back-up.

"Give the smirk back!" Crabbe threatened. "Or else!"

"You can't just _give _a smirk. A smirk isn't an actual object, so it's physically impossible." Hermione rolled her eyes.

"What does physically mean?" Goyle asked dumbly.

"YOUR MOM!" Ron yelled, frustrated.

"Wow...I didn't know my mom was physically!" Goyle exclaimed.

Ron slapped himself in the forehead for even bothering.

"HEY! YOU INSULTED ME!" Pansy screeched at Hermione after the insult had sinked in.

"Brilliant, Holmes." Hermione rolled her eyes. "It took you long enough. I didn't even think you'd ever understand."

"Holmes? What's that?" Pansy asked, confused.

"YOUR MOM!" Ron shouted again.

"My mom? No, her name's Rheannon. Hey, that sounds like Holmes!" Pansy said.

"How does that sound like Holmes...?" Ron blinked.

"No idea," Hermione shrugged.

"Whoa, nice action figures there Ron!" Seamus entered the picture. This is only a phrase, as you should know, because they weren't in a picture. They were in a story. In fact, you're reading it... "I happen to own a few myself..."

"Which ones?" Ron asked eagerly.

"The whole Hogwarts' staff!" Seamus said proudly as he dumped out his bag of action figures.

So everyone crowded around Seamus' collection and criticized the plastic dolls.

"They should have made Snape's hair more greasy..."

"How do you do that?"

"I dunno...make it more shiny looking?"

"Dumbledore's beard isn't long enough...or white enough...or..._beardy _enough..."

"Wow! A cat version of McGonagall..."

"It sort of looks like my cat..."

"You don't have a cat..."

"So what?"

"Hey, why is Trelawney wearing idiotic glasses?"

"Because she wears them in the movie..."

"Oh..."

"Hey! They have Mrs. Norris, too!"

"...it comes with Filch..."

"Whoa..._all _of the Defense Against the Dark Arts professors! And a werewolf version of Lupin!"

"drool, they have Lockhart!"

At that moment, Snape walked in, but snuck up behind the students because he had learned that if he wanted to know the truth, he better just witness the whole thing. But after seeing the dolls, he sneered,

"And who is _that _ugly fool?"

"...that would be you...sir..." Harry said slowly, trying not to laugh.

Snape scowled and turned on his heel. Not wanting to admit defeat he hissed,

"No more action figures!"

A/N: Seems like Snape has a Haha! The Grudge was an awesome movie, I only screamed like...once...but that's because for the rest of the time my hands were over my eyes which were already closed. Lol. Review please!


	21. Leis

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.   
A/N: Thank you's:   
**JeanMarie**: Thanks for your review, Snape is wearing down a bit...I might add in a break down from him...   
**Silwen Aurdomiel**: Thanks, glad you like my story! Hope you don't hurt yourself falling down...   
**sweetstrawberry211**: You really are sweet, aren't you? Your reviews are so nice! Thanks!   
**tea'**: Thanks for _giving _the idea! Great new suggestions, too. Hope the school work calms down, your reviews help a lot.   
**supernova8610**: You never seem to run out of ideas...which is why I never seem to run out of rules or chapters. Haha.   
**SugarQuillInsanity**: Haha, yeah, it would have been funnier if I had written that in. I actually have written a parody of Romeo and Juliet (using Harry Potter characters). You should read it!   
**Wolf of Light**: Haha, howlers, I can picture that...teehee. I like to pick on the Gryffindors and Slytherins, they're the ones with so much character!   
**shanmo**: What fanfic?! Let me know, I want to read it!   
**Ronniekinsgirl**: Thanks!   
**Ryu-Gi**: Wonderful ideas...can't wait to use them...hehehe.   
**cicada**: Dude that makes me feel so cool! I'm glad people find my stories funny! Great idea, too...   
**Just Playin**: Haha, awesome sn. Did you really rofl?!! lol.   
**aldrea**: Ahh, shiny objects! I can just picture _that _one!   
**STARINA69**: Hehe, thanks, I had so much fun writing that one, too. Thanks for the ideas!

* * *

**Leis**

**By: Helen Li**

**Dedicated to: supernova8610 (You said luau, and this is what I thought of...so close enough!)**

A pile of orchid flowers lay on the ground. They were strung together, forming a simple necklace. This was, of course, a lei, but not the usual you get from Hawaii.

"Aloha!" Ron said loudly as he tossed a lei over Harry's head. Harry paused in the doorway of the famous Potions class, a bit confused.

"Bill had a business trip to Hawaii for some Volcanic Dragon found there. He brought back tons of leis, since it's a tradition and all." Ron explained.

Harry sneezed.

"What kind of flowers are these?"

"Hmm, Orchid, I believe..."

"I-I'm allergic to Orchid flowers." (Another sneeze.)

"Oops!" Ron replied sheepishly. "Sorry!"

So Harry tried to take the lei off...but it wouldn't come off! It had tightened to fit around Harry's neck tightly. And to make it worse, the flowers only grew larger.

"What's-"Harry sneezed as he stopped tugging. "Happening?"

"Oh no...these are probably the leis that Fred and George turned into pranks! They're supposed to tighten around your neck and grow if you struggle... now there _is _a counter charm...what was it again?" Ron murmured frantically.

Harry sneezed again.

"Hurry up!"

"I can't remember." Ron groaned. "And I think it's supposed to leave some color on your neck..."

"Just great," Harry muttered. He sneezed shortly after that.

Hermione walked into the room just then.

"Wow, leis! Don't tell me Bill was able to go to Hawaii! No fair! They've got the most interesting history of wizards and witches!" Hermione gushed as she picked up one of the leis...and put it over her neck.

"No!" Harry and Ron shouted in unison, but it was too late. Harry sneezed. Oh, and the lei was stuck on Hermione.

"What? How does it look?" Hermione grinned.

"...nice?" Ron replied meekly.

"What?" Hermione repeated impatiently.

"Nothing," Harry said quickly. "It looks great."

"Well, I'll wear it later," Hermione shrugged as she tried to take it off. "Um...Ron? It...won't come off."

"Er, I was trying to tell you...Fred and George sort of put this charm on it..." Ron began.

"_What _charm?" Hermione narrowed her eyes as she stopped tugging at the lei.

"Umwecantexactlygethemoff," Ron said in a _very _rushed voice.

"What?" Hermione asked, raising her eyebrow.

"We...we can't exactly get them off." Ron hesitated, preparing for a lash out from Hermione.

"Well, there must be a counter." Hermione rolled her eyes. She started muttering various spells. Harry and Ron joined her as well.

Just then, Pansy and Draco _had _to walk in.

"Wow, pretty leis!" Pansy squealed as she picked one up and pulled it over her head. "How does it look, Drakie-Poo?"

"...fine," Draco grumbled.

"Put one on!"

"_No_."

"Come on, just for a quick moment, I want to see how we look together!"

"I said _no_."

"Please?"

"No way."

"Pretty please?"

"LOOK WOMAN, NOTHING CAN MAKE ME PUT THAT LEI ON!"

Pansy narrowed her eyes and clenched her fists as Draco backed up slowly.

"_**YOU ARE GOING TO PUT THAT BLOODY LEI ON, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME**_?!" (Everyone covered their ears to block the annoying, screeching sound, but it was too late. They were scarred for life. Yeah, then they used that handy dandy wand of theirs and their ears healed. Just like that.)

"Yes ma'am..." ("I wouldn't consider her a 'ma'am,'" Ron muttered.)

Of course the Gryffindors were never going to let this one go...

"Aw, I thought _nothing _could make you put the lei on." Hermione smirked.

"DAMN YOU FOR TAKING MY SMIRK! AND I CAN SO TAKE THE LEI OFF IF I WANT!" Draco sneered. He gave a scared look as he backed away from Pansy, but that didn't stop him from trying to take of the lei. Keyword: try. And the definition is, to have made an attempt at. Draco failed.

"...honey, you need some help with that?" Pansy raised her eyebrow.

"No...I...bloody...got...it," Draco gritted between his teeth. He yanked harder and harder, which only made it worse, for the charm would react to any sort of movement. The lei grew more and more flowers, coming up to Draco's mouth. You'd think he'd realize that struggling only made it worse, but hey, it's Draco we're talking about! Bloody Slytherins...

"Ptthhht!" Draco spat, a few petals floating to the ground. "What in the bloody hell is this?!"

Pansy's eyes widened as she tried to take hers off. This only gave the trio a great idea...

"Hey, you guys almost got it off! Keep pulling!" Harry urged.

Yeah, the two Slytherins were quite stupid. But we've already established that. So the flowers eventually covered their whole head, but still giving some space for them to breathe.

"I can't see!" Pansy muffled behind the flowers.

"Me either!" Draco yelled, but it sounded far away since he was being smothered.

The two looked really...strange. It was as if they were hybrids of a flower and a human. The flower heads made them look frivolous, and one would either find it hilarious or scary. So, naturally, the two started running around the room panicking, both screaming like girls. It was actually hard to tell which one was the female...

Just then, Seamus walked into the classroom, just as Malfoy was running towards him.

"OH MY GOD!" Seamus shouted. "WHAT IN THE BLOODY HELL IS THAT?!"

Seamus started running around like a maniac, pulling at his hair.

"I think this class really has been driven to insanity," Ron sighed.

"But you were always like that," Hermione teased.

Ron frowned.

"Let's get back to that counter charm..."

* * *

And after a few more minutes, Hermione successfully discovered the counter. Of course she did, she's the braniac, and who else do you expect to figure it out? Your cat? (Alright, but McGonagall doesn't count...) 

So after Hermione and Harry undid the lei (it was getting quite warm), Hermione gasped.

"Harry! Are you...bleeding?"

"No..." Harry looked confused. He peered down and saw that the lei had left a dark red stain on his neck.

"It's just the coloring," Ron shrugged. "Your neck is white...like...ghost like."

Apparently that's what Neville thought.

"IT'S A POSESSED WITCH! AH, AND A BLEEDING PERSON!" Neville screamed as he ran around the room. "WE'RE DOOOOMED, WE'RE DOOOOOMMMEED!" (You'd think he would be used to possessed, bleeding people and such...but apparently not.)

Right when the class was at its climax of havoc, Snape had to walk in. of course he did! The whole point is to drive him insane, correct?

"WHAT ARE THOSE?!" Snape bellowed as he stared at the two running flower heads. Yes, even he was a bit intimidated by the stranger, er, creatures.

"...Malfoy and Pansy," Crabbe informed Snape.

"...are those-"Snape began.

"Yeah." Goyle nodded.

"But then that's a-"Snape started.

"Yup," Lavender sighed.

"Well there obviously was some sort of-"Snape tried again.

"Mmhmm," Pavarti interrupted.

"CAN I SPEAK?!" Snape snapped angrily.

The four looked up and shrugged.

"Does anyone know the counter for this?"

Hermione and Ron did not raise their hand.

* * *

So after an hour, Snape finally figured it out.

* * *

"Why do you two also have colored necks?" Snape was a bit confused as he compared Pansy and Draco's necks to Hermione and Ron's. 

"Um..." Ron tried to come up with a reasonable explanation, but Snape caught on quickly.

"Did you happen to _know _the counter...?" Snape tried to remain calm as he clenched his fists and counted to twenty in his head...no, wait, a hundred.

"Yes?" Ron winced.

We all fear for Ron at this moment, but as fate had it...the bell rang.

_Another class period wasted _Snape thought to himself as he kicked a desk to relieve his anger. _Damn! My foot!_

Ron ran off before Snape could stop him. He didn't need to be told; neither did anyone else, so it's obvious to say...no one brought leis into class ever again.

But it was rated the 'Best Prank of the Year' for Fred and George.

A/N: Wow, I've been on a roll with writing some actual funny stuff! It's all the great ideas you all give me, though. Keep it up, I feel motivated!


	22. Staplers

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.   
A/N: _Wow _**143** reviews! I love you all so much! Mwah!

**Stapler**

**By: Helen Li**

**Dedicated to: Damia – Queen of the Gypsi's (Wow, long list of ideas, all really good!)**

"Hermione, what are you doing?" Ron was afraid to ask. He was afraid, simply because he had asked this so many times...and the outcome was never too good.

"Stapling the papers together. I ran out of parchment paper so I used notebook paper, and since Professor Snape wants a five foot essay, I have to staple mine together." Hermione explained.

"Uh, if he wanted a _five _foot essay, why is yours like five _hundred _feet long?" Ron crossed his arms. Ron decided not to ask why she did not simply use her wand. _She probably has some rubbish excuse...like putting in 'labor' because house elves have to 'staple' things together._

"It's not five _hundred _feet long! It's precisely thirty two feet in height." Hermione said haughtily.

"Well, well, well. If the mudblood hasn't out done herself again. Going for the teacher's pet role?" Draco drawled from behind.

"Shut up, _Drakie-poo_, and why the hell do you always say 'well, well, well'?" Ron snapped.

Malfoy shuddered at the name before replying.

"Eh, I'm at a loss of words most of the time. It takes up some space so I'm not just standing there like an idiot, and I get time to think of an insult." Draco shrugged.

"Ah, good point." Ron nodded.

"Yup, speech classes, it helps!" Draco agreed.

"...speech classes?" Hermione rolled her eyes. The class had, indeed, been driven to the _utter most _insanity.

"What in the _bloody hell _is that?!" Draco's eyes turned to the stapler.

"Hey, only I can use 'bloody hell'!" Ron protested.

"Well then tell Granger to stop using my smirk!" Draco shot back.

"Only if you stop calling her...her...that word," Ron stammered.

"Fine."

"Fine."

"Okay!"

"_Alright!_"

"JUST DANDY!"

"PERFECT!"

"EXCELLENT!"

"ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC!"

"GREAT, I'M ESTATIC!"

"HYSTERIC, IN FACT!"

"This isn't going to work, Weasel."

"No it's not, Drakie-poo."

"You're never going to let me live that down, are you?"

"You're never going to stop calling me 'Weasel', are you?"

"Nope."

"Me either, then."

_Staple! _(Because we all don't know the exact sound a stapler makes. It's like, ka crunch, but that resembles the chewing of Captain Crunch. Which, by the way, is a very tasty cereal.)

"AH!" Drakie-poo screamed...like a manly girl. He was improving his scream, apparently. (Must be those speech classes...)

"Is-is that thing safe?" Ron took back a few steps.

"_It's perfectly fine_." Hermione gritted between her teeth.

"Oh _sure_, that's what you said about those simsors!" Draco sneered.

"...scissors?"

"Whatever."

"Those were PERFECTLY SAFE UNTIL YOU ALL HAD TO ACT LIKE A BUNCH OF IGNORANT-IGNORANT...UM...IDIOTS!" Hermione shouted.

"Ignorant idiots?" Ron raised an eyebrow.

"You should try those speech classes." Draco suggested.

Hermione narrowed her eyes.

"I DO NOT NEED SPEECH CLASSES, NOW I'M GOING TO GO TO THE GIRLS' BATHROOM, SO LEAVE ME ALONE!" Hermione snapped as she turned on her heel and stomped out of the classroom.

"Must be that time of the month..." Ron muttered.

"Yeah. TMI." Draco shook his head.

Ron and Draco realized they agreed on something. Immediately their eyes filled with hate as they glared at each other loathingly.

"Never again."

"Agreed."

Draco, a bit curious about what the stapler did, picked it up. _Hmm, you clamp it down, I'm guessing. I wonder what it does..._

So Draco, stupidly, put his finger in the space and clamped it down.

"AARRGH!" Draco screamed in pain as he ran around the room...this time screaming like an absolute girl, which, by the way, I need to stop using. Why blame us girls?! Maybe it's a GUY scream and we're all just screaming like guys. Eh, never mind.

"Hey, we're Malfoy's henchman, and you know what that means! We have to do exactly what he does!" Goyle said in that annoying tone that you hear from Barney when you're baby brother _has _to watch dumb shows about purple and green dinosaurs that obviously don't exist, but have perfect teeth.

_Clamp, clamp! _(I've decided that's the sound of the stapler. Bugger off.)

Two more screams were heard and heavy footsteps of the two running to the bathroom. Of course they mistook the cabinet door for the door out of the room so, naturally, they ran into it, destroying the potions inside. Then they fell, unconscious, with the metal bit poking out from their finger.

"ARGH! ARGH!" Draco remained screaming, running around like a mad woman.

"DRRAAAKIIEEE-POOOO!" came the annoying screeching sound of Pansy who was reeking of disgusting perfume.

Draco stopped, his eyes widened, and he resumed running around screaming, 'NOOO, NOT THE NICKNAME! _NOT THE NICKNAME!_'

"What's wrong with Drakie-poo?" Pansy was thoroughly confused.

"THAT NAME IS ABSOLUTELY, _COMPLETELY _RETARDED, PANSY!" Lavender blew up. We don't know why she wanted to enter the conversation, but apparently she and Pavarti were getting sick of hearing the name, even _if_ it wasn't directed to them.

Pansy was speechless.

"W-what did you say?" she managed to get back her voice.

"THAT NAME...IS...R-E-T-A-R-D-E-D." Pavarti literally spelled it out.

"Damn...if I could only spell..." Pansy muttered. Pansy jotted down the word Pavarti spelled and tried to sound it out. "Re...ret...reta? No...retar...retard...retardeed?"

"RETARD_ED_. ARE YOU DEAF?!" Lavender snapped.

"Death?"

"DEAF!"

"What's that?"

"It means you CAN'T HEAR!"

"But...I can."

"...I...was...being...sarcastic."

"What's that?"

"SARCASM! JOKING! NOT MEANING WHAT I SAID!"

"So, I'm not death."

"DEAF!"

"Right, that's what I said."

"...no it wasn't."

"Yes, it was."

"ARGH! SOD OFF, PANSY!" Lavender stomped off with Pavarti.

"Now, back to my-er...Draco..." Pansy gave up using the nickname.

This seemed to help Draco, for his screams became softer. And less girlish.

"Draco?"

The screams became manlier. This was a good sign.

"Hm...Draaaaco?"

The screams became girly. Apparently stretching out the vowels made it sound just as bad as Drakie-poo. Alright, so not _that _bad, but still.

"Oops. Draco?"

The screams became normal.

"Draco!"

The screams became yells.

"Draco, Draco, Draco."

Malfoy stopped.

"About time someone said my name right!" Malfoy snapped.

"Drakie-poo," Ron laughed.

Malfoy fainted.

"How dare you!" Pansy screeched. She turned around and looked at the desk. Lying there was a wand, quill, and a stapler. So, of course, she grabbed the stapler.

_Clamp, clamp, clamp!_

Staples fell out of the stapler.

"Wow! What's this?" Pansy's eyes widened. She opened it up and started clamping it, making it shoot staples.

"AH! NO, MAKE IT STOP!" Ron cowered behind a desk.

"WHEEEEE!" Pansy continued shooting staples.

After a couple of minutes, the staples ran out, and Ron found himself with little punctures in his skin. His robes were also a bit holey. Meaning, it had little holes.

This was when Hermione came back.

"WHAT?! YOU USED UP ALL MY STAPLES?!" Hermione thundered. Maybe this really was her time of the month...

She picked up the stapler from Pansy's hands and threw it at her, in a rage. Yes, this definitely was her time of the month. The stapler (being heavy and metal) nailed Pansy in the head, knocking her unconscious immediately.

Draco laughed. He had woken up from his fainting.

"YAY! THE WICKED WITCH IS DEAD!" Draco sang. What's weird is that, he had never seen The Wizard of Oz before. Then again, everything in _that _class is weird.

The bell rang and Snape walked in shortly. Seeing the wounded Pansy, metal staples on the ground, also _blood _on the ground (Crabbe, Goyle, Malfoy (he had fainted again), and Ron), then the shattered potions, Snape closed his eyes and took in a deep breath.

Without speaking a word, Hermione handed the Potions' Professor her stapler.

"What is this?"

"A stapler, sir."

"No more staplers."

"Yes, sir."

It seemed as if Snape was sane, but little did everyone know that he was close to going insane. Very, very close.

A/N: I'll still use an idea for the next one, just that the substitute will have different reactions! Any ideas? Please review!

Thank you's:

**Ron,Fred and George fan**: Thanks! I can picture that, too...lol.

**YamiClara**: I'm going to do that soon! (Not send Snape to Mungo's, but to the Hospital Wing.) Hehe, and they'll be having a substitute...

**nameless**: White-out! Sounds awesome! Can't wait to use it, thanks!

**JeanMarie**: Indeed! Who knew the Boy-Who-Lived (and will eventually die) was allergic to Orchid flowers?!   
**Silwen Aurdomeil**: Haha, lei's aren't that bad...I went to Hawaii twice (Er, or was it Maui?) and they kept putting them on me. I had like, seven on? It was crazy.

**Damia – Queen of the Gypsi's**: Whoa, lots to work from, thanks a lot! I'm reading your fic right now, it's pretty good, but depressing!

**Wolf of Light**: I like letting the characters being saved. sigh don't they suffer enough from Snape in the books? I think this works out better! Snape suffers! (Wow, alliteration!)

**shanmo**: Oh, you said you were inspired to write a fic, well I can't wait to read it!

**supernova8610**: You never seem to run out of ideas, and that's great! Thanks muchos!

And everyone else who reviewed!

Please check out my newest story: **Ice**. I'd like to know what you think! It's a DM/HG fic, my first one actually. It's not a humor story, but please read!


	23. Wizard Cell Phones

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.   
A/N: Jeez, for some reason this fic has become so popular! I don't know why, but thanks for all the reviews! And don't forget to check out my new fic **Ice**.

**Wizard Cell Phones**

**By: Helen Li**

**Dedicated to: Casiana Joy (I really liked how you elaborated on it, so this one's for you!)

* * *

**

This was the second week that the newest 'wizard cell phones' had been out. It was a huge success. It was a muggle-born, of course, who had suggested the idea to the Ministry. After trying out the real ones, the Ministry decided to make their own sort. It was great, a wonderful new source of communication! So naturally, every student at Hogwarts bought one at their trip to Hogsmeade.

Pansy Parkinson was typing with the little buttons on her cell phone. The cover was translucent pink with her name on it. She was obviously sending a text message during the Potions class.

**Drakie-poo (there im not saying it so you cant complain)**

**ugh, potions is so boring! im staring at the wads of paper being spit into granger's hair. sad isnt it? text back!**

Draco jerked up (he was sleeping) when he felt his cell phone vibrate in his pocket. He took it out and read the text message. He glanced over at Pansy who gave him a little wave. He rolled his eyes and typed back.

**i was sleeping. leave me alone.**

Draco fell back asleep.

Pansy frowned and therefore decided to text someone else.

**bored, entertain me.**

This was directed to Goyle and Crabbe whose covers were decorated with food (Malfoy had bought their cell phones for them.) They both peeked at their cell phones for about five minutes (reading doesn't come easy for them) and then texted back.

About ten minutes later Pansy received their text message.

**OK**

_Okay?! It took them that long to type **okay**?!_

That was about it for the Slytherins in terms of texting, so let's see what's going on at the other side of the room, shall we?

Now, let me first explain one new feature in the Wizard cell phones. You could text in a chat room type, sort of like your instant messaging. The Gryffindors were having some fun doing this.

**this class sucks –NL**

**I actually find it quite fascinating –HG**

**shut up –RW**

**I'm not talking... -HG**

**damn you. –RW**

**Ron Weasley watch your language! –HG**

**hey, no fighting in here. –HP**

**we're not fighting harry...we're typing... -RW**

**so? –HP**

**so shut up –RW**

**HE'S NOT TALKING, RON! – HG**

**so? – RW**

**omg, hermione your hair! –LB**

**What about it? –HG**

**you might want to turn around... -PP**

Hermione looked up from texting and writing notes (she can easily multi-task) and turned around, only to catch Seamus red-handedly spitting spitballs into her hair.

"Mr. Finnegan! It was clear that spitballs are _not _allowed in class. Twenty points from Gryffindor and detention." Snape snapped.

Seamus' face fell as he slouched down into his seat. When Snape looked away, the texting began again.

**Thanks Lavender and Pavarti –HG**

**np -LB**

**yeah –PP**

**hey, that wasn't cool! –SF**

**You deserved it! –HG**

**so? –SF**

**hehe, don't worry mione, i'll get him back. –RW**

**Exactly WHAT are you planning, Ronald Weasley?! –HG**

**mione-why do you type all correctly n stuff? –HP**

**Because it's the right way and you all should, too! –HG**

**right... -SF**

**lol –LB**

**your funny –PP**

**...fine, don't. –HG**

Ron would have replied already to this, but he was busy 'getting back' at Seamus. You see, he had dialed Seamus' cell phone number...

_RING! RING!_

The first thought that came to Ron's mind was, _HIS PHONE IS ON?!_

Apparently it was the same thing Seamus was thinking.

The tone was very...distinct. It was 'Jingle Bells,' also known as one of the most irritating songs existing. (A/N: I hate Christmas music, it's annoying, except for the one that goes 'deck the halls with blah blah blah blah, falalalalalalalalala.' And the 'theme' ish song of Harry Potter 3 in the movie. Toil and trouble...something like that.)

"What on earth is making that sound?!" Snape's eyes grew as his face turned red. This song seemed to annoy him as well.

Seamus was too afraid to speak up, so the phone just kept ringing...which I should now explain the _flaw _in the Wizard's cell phones. The Ministry had forgotten to put a stop to the ringing, so it would ring continuously unless you charmed it to stop or you simply, answered the phone.

Snape was growing more and more insane as he heard this annoying tone.

"WILL SOMEONE TURN THAT BLASTED THING OFF?!" Snape thundered. His hands covered his ears as he shut his eyes and took deep breaths. _Breathe in...breathe to twenty...one...two...three...four...damn it!_

As Snape meditated silently, the texting resumed.

**snape has gone insane... -LB**

**hasn't he always been? –PP**

**yeah –SF**

**i think it's us... -HP**

**NO, REALLY?! –HG**

**shut up –RW**

**...I give up... -HG**

**haha, snape's hair is extra greasy today. –LB**

**You notice everything, don't you? –HG**

**so? –LB**

**Argh, never mind! I obviously see I'm not wanted here! –HG**

**good, she left. –RW**

**Actually, Ron, I haven't. –HG**

**oops –RW**

**Yes, 'oops.' –HG**

**um could i still get sum help for my homework tonite? –RW**

**Nope. –HG**

**oh come on. Plz? –RW**

**I said, 'no.' –HG**

**no u didnt say it. –RW**

**Oh shut up! I'm leaving now. –HG**

**uh, is she really gone now? –RW**

**yeah, she's taking down more notes. –LB**

**figures –RW**

**crap, snape's watchin. gotta go. –SF**

"Mr...Finnegan...is...the tune coming from...you?" Snape managed to get out without exploding. He was twitching and pretty much looking like a psycho.

"Um...yes sir." Seamus saw that he was caught red-handedly, once again.

"What is it?"

"...my cell phone."

"_Accio cell phone_."

Well, that certainly was one _wrong _spell to say. There was approximately forty cell phones in the room. And to make matters worse, _another _flaw in the Wizard's cell phone was that when you said _Accio _to retrieve your cell phone, it would go off. This way, you could hear your cell phone if you misplaced it. Unfortunately it did not help in this case.

_Every _phone ringing was driving Snape's patience to the max...and over it. As he was attacked by ringing cell phones, he lost it. He simply snapped. His patience broke. He went insane. You get my point, right?

"THAT'S IT! I'M DONE, THERE'S NO WAY I'M COMING BACK TO THIS CLASS _EVER_AGAIN!" Snape yelled as he ran out of the room, his robes trailing behind him.

The class didn't dare try to stop him. Well, they wouldn't have anyways. But instead of the last time he threatened to do so, he didn't come back. So everyone shrugged and muttered _Accio _for _their_ phone, this way not every phone came flying at them. Then they turned off the ringing.

**u know seamus, ur ring tone really is annoying. –RW**

**i happen to like xmas music. –SF**

**WHY ARE WE TEXTING WHEN WE CAN SIMPLY SPEAK?! –HG**

**bcuz I get free texting this month. new deal. –RW**

**o, u signed up for the merlin minutes plan, too? –LB**

**of course, wizarding wireless is the best. –RW**

**I beg to differ. Magical Minutes is better. We get rollover. –HG**

**haha u Grifindurs r stupd. –C&G**

**...I won't even say anything to that. –HG**

**u mean text? –RW**

**SHUT UP RON WEASLEY! –HG**

**who's sayin shut up now? –HP**

**Crabbe, Goyle, it took you two the entire class period to type that? –DM**

**get out of here malfoy. –HP**

**Why should I, Potty? –DM**

**b/c dumbledore is walking right into our classrooms... -HP**

"You all will be having a substitute tomorrow. Professor Snape is, unfortunately, not feeling well." Dumbledore informed the students. "You are all dismissed."

As the students walked out of the door, Dumbledore made one more announcement.

"Professor Snape has wanted me to give you an announcement. Cell phones are hereby banned from your Potions classroom, although all I advise is to keep yours on silent...or avoid getting a Jingle Bells ring tone." Dumbledore's eye twinkled.

A/N: That was so fun to write! It seemed too much like AIM with the texting, but I think we'll have that feature as the cell phones keep getting more high tech! Anyways, please review and give me some more ideas!


	24. Diagnosing or Treating Diseases

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

**Diagnosing/Treating Diseases**

**By: Helen Li**

**Dedicated to: Hannah**

The Slytherins and Gryffindors were nervous as the anticipated the substitute. But they were surprised to find out, when they walked into the Potions class, that no one was in there. Everyone shrugged and socialized, assuming the substitute would come in sooner or later.

Then, as Lavender walked into the room, she tripped and fell, skinning her knees.

"Ow!" Lavender cried out as she sat up.

"Are you alright?" Pavarti asked worriedly.

A couple of Slytherins snickered.

"Have a nice trip, Brown?" Malfoy sneered.

"Oh that's so corny," Pavarti rolled her eyes as Malfoy frowned.

"Hey! You hexed Lavender!" Neville realized who had done it.

"What a smart little boy you are!" Malfoy said in a mock voice.

Neville glared, but turned to Lavender.

"Here, let me heal the wound." Neville offered.

Well, everyone was quite used to Neville's…clumsiness, let's say, so Lavender wasn't exactly thrilled with the offer.

"Um, that's alright, I can do it." Lavender hesitated.

"No, no, I insist!" Neville pulled out his wand. "_Awotpit_."

Lavender winced, expecting some bad results, and was right to do so. Immediately vines began to sprout out of Lavender's wound and wrapped around her leg. Luckily, they spread no further, but it was a wild sight.

The Slytherins roared with laughter which got the attention of the Gryffindors.

"Oops," Neville said meekly as Lavender and Pavarti glared daggers at him. "Um, I'm awfully sorry Lavender…"

Hermione, Ron, and Harry rushed down to help.

"Oh, I can fix that." Hermione began to say the spell.

"Wait, are those ivy vines?! Fred's used them on me before, I know the counter!" Ron interrupted.

It was, for Lavender was experiencing quite an itch with the ivy. Her right leg was puffy and red, and she scratched furiously with her hand.

"Just hurry up!" Lavender groaned.

"Nonsense, Ron, just let me say it to get it over with." Hermione insisted.

"Hermione you _always _are the smart one, let _me _do this one." Ron snapped. He spoke before Hermione could reply. "_Ashliket_."

"No!" Hermione shrieked. "You pronounced it wrong! It's _AshlEket, _not, _liket_."

It was too late, Ron had done the damage. He backed away, sulking and grumbling at Hermione's smart attitude.

Now Lavender's leg turned purple, along with the vines, but the puffy and red went away. In fact, Lavender stopped itching.

"It doesn't itch anymore," Lavender noticed happily, although she wasn't exactly pleased with the purple color.

Now everyone's attention was on Lavender's…leg.

"Your leg matches your name!" Seamus joked.

Everyone then turned to stare at Seamus blankly.

"…you know, Lavender's purple and everything like the real lavender plant…" Seamus explained slowly.

Everyone still stared.

"…that wasn't funny man." Harry shook his head.

Everyone murmured in agreement as they looked back at Lavender who was having a sneezing fit.

"What's-sneeze-going-sneeze-on?" Lavender said, sneezing after the last word.

Everyone _then _turned to Hermione, expecting an answer.

"Well, it seems as if Ron's spell mixed with the ivy and produced some sort of purple sneezing powder that's on your leg." Hermione guessed.

"No, really, mudblood?" Malfoy rolled his eyes as he stepped forward.

"Well if _you're _so smart, fix it!" Hermione glared back.

"Fine," Malfoy smirked. "_Sotiu_."

Lavender's leg fell off.

"AAH! MY LEG IS GONE, MY LEG IS GONE!" Lavender screamed. The purple and the vines were gone, but still, it didn't matter since it wasn't on her.

"Well, you're leg is right there…" Neville pointed out.

"She means it's not _on _her body anymore." Pavarti snapped.

"Then why didn't you say so?" Neville was confused.

"Fine. MY LEG'S NOT ON MY BODY!" Lavender screamed again. "Now you see how bloody retarded that sounds?"

"Oh…" Neville replied.

"Great going ferret boy," Hermione said sarcastically.

"Well it's obviously not sneezing powder," Malfoy shot back. The two began to argue.

"Does it hurt?" Pavarti ignored the row brewing between Malfoy and Hermione.

"Well, no." Lavender paused from screaming. "But it's awful seeing your leg and not being able to move it or anything…"

"True…" Pavarti murmured.

"Alright, let's see what we can do to fix this…" Seamus thought aloud as he grabbed a random spell book and started flipping through the pages to find a counter.

Hermione stopped arguing with Malfoy and turned to Seamus.

"Hey, it's _my _job to look through the spell books, alright?" Hermione snapped as she snatched the book out of Seamus' hands and began to look intensively inside it.

"Hey, I was looking at that!" Seamus protested.

"Look, if the mudblood wasn't the same old bookworm and _you _were, that just wouldn't be right." Malfoy snarled.

"Whoa…I didn't want to be a bookworm or anything, uh, just keep the book." Seamus said nervously.

The Slytherins had conjured chairs (something they learned the day before) and were sitting, watching the sight. Malfoy joined them, too. Well, what else were they supposed to do, help?

The Gryffindors knew they couldn't exactly pour over books like Hermione, so they went straight to the cabinet to find some potion that could possibly help.

"I'm hungry," Crabbe complained.

"It would be nice having a snack while watching this." Goyle added.

"Shut up," Pansy and Malfoy said in unison.

So for the next few minutes the class was silent except for the rustling of papers and clinking of potion vials. Finally the ice was broken by Ron.

"I FOUND A POTION!" Ron yelled as he clutched a vial white substance in his hand proudly.

All the Slytherins shifted their chairs towards Ron's direction, watching as if it were some play or enjoyable movie that wizard and witches don't get to experience.

"Well, what does it do?" Harry asked impatiently.

"It's a substance to attach things together," Ron read off of the vial. "It's kinda thick…"

Hermione dropped the book immediately and grabbed the vial, much to Ron's angry shock, and examined it.

"That's glue." Hermione rolled her eyes as she thrust it back into Ron's hands.

Ron was just happy that she had given it back, because it simply wasn't nice to hit girl.

"Well, don't just snatch things, you could just _ask_." Ron grumbled.

"Wait!" Hermione suddenly lit up. "That's obviously wizarding glue so it _could _put Lavender's leg back on!"

She took it away from Ron again, only frustrating him more.

"Bloody hell, must you just take things as you please?!" Ron muttered.

Hermione poured some of the potion on the end of Lavender's leg. There wasn't any blood showing, it was just covered in her skin, so it was easy to apply the wizarding glue. After Hermione leveled it, she carefully stuck it on Lavender, where it should be. Surprisingly, the leg stayed on.

"I have my leg back!" Lavender shouted gleefully.

Everything was back to normal with Lavender except for the extra glue stuck on Lavender's leg.

"_Scourgify_," Hermione said to get rid of the excess glue. "There, good as new!"

"Except there's still that scratch on her leg." Harry pointed out the injury Lavender had right from the beginning when she had tripped.

The Slytherins sat back and relaxed, ready to see some more action.

"Uh, that's alright…I'll be fine." Lavender got up and backed away slowly.

"Oh, don't worry, we found a potion to heal it!" Pavarti grinned as she pulled out a vial with some orange substance.

"That looks a lot like pumpkin juice…" Crabbe drooled.

He couldn't take it anymore. He ran up and grabbed the potion from Pavarti and gulped it down.

"CRABBE!" all the Gryffindors yelled. The Slytherins laughed, however.

But everything soon ceased as Crabbe began to break out in hives.

"I don't think it was meant as a drink…" Hermione said slowly.

"No, really?" Malfoy said sarcastically.

"BEFORE YOU GUYS TRY TO DO ANYTHING TO CRABBE, LET'S JUST SEND HIM AND BROWN TO MADAME PROMFEY!" Pansy screeched.

"…why didn't we think of that before?" all of the Gryffindors moaned.

"Well, we knew…but we wanted to sit back and watch." Malfoy shrugged.

The Gryffindors glared as they pounced on the Slytherins who were sitting in their chairs.

Needless to say, many found themselves limping to the Hospital Wing, while others left when the bell rang. All were confused that the substitute had never showed up, but they didn't care enough to do anything about it.

* * *

"SEE?! I TOLD YOU THEY WERE A NUSIANCE!" Snape said as he pointed at the screen that was surveying the room at the time.

"Why didn't they go to the Hospital Wing in the first place?" Professor McGonagall pointed out. (She didn't have a class this period and was free to examine what Snape called, 'hell'.)

"Well, they certainly act interesting…" Dumbledore murmured. "But those were some good chairs they conjured!"

"Ahem, I was the one who taught them." McGonagall said proudly.

"HELLO?! BACK TO THE PROBLEM!" Snape was tugging at his hair and pacing back and forth frantically.

"Oh, right…um…detention for them?" Dumbledore suggested.

Snape stopped and glared. His hair was messy and his face red. He looked exactly like what we call a madman.

"I've…uh…got papers to grade." McGonagall searched for an excuse to escape the psycho Snape.

"Heh, um, why don't you just return to class tomorrow and discipline them as you wish?" Dumbledore said before getting up as well to leave the room. "Good day, Severus."

"Oh, I will…" Snape whispered in a crazed voice.

A/N: I'm SO sorry for the awful long wait! I've had this horrible writer's block on this series thing because I've been into my new fic, Ice, and it's hard to write some funny stuff after writing really angsty, serious crap. So I do apologize that this sucked really badly, I hope you all understand though…

Thank you to: **STARINA69, Hannah, xPussyWillowKittenx, Just Playin, YamiClara, JeanMarie, RHFCFSAF, Swoosh, Damia - Queen of the Gypsi's, shanmo, Ronniekinsgrl, Casiana Joy, supernova8610, sweetstrawberry211, AlienSmile13 **and everyone else.

Sorry, I'll write comments next time!


	25. Duct Tape

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

**Duct Tape**

**By: Helen Li**

**Dedicated to: Lady Malevolent**

Hermione was furiously taping her book bag together. Apparently it had broken because of her heavy books (surprise, surprise). She happened to have some duct tape in there, although we have no idea why she had it. But of course not, this is _Hermione _we're talking about.

"Ooh, what's that?" Ron's eyes gleamed at the tape. He quickly grabbed it from her.

"Hey!" Hermione protested. "I was using that!"

"Good, now you know what it feels to have someone simply snatch something away from you!" Ron stuck his tongue out. How mature.

Ron then unraveled some of the tape.

"Wow!" Ron gasped.

But then the tape got stuck on his hand and as he flung his hand about, he managed to get the tape off, although it now was stuck on the wall.

Ron thought for a moment and then smacked it so it clung tightly to the wall. He then proceeded to run about the room, taping it here and there, creating a massive 'maze' of duct tape.

"RON WEASLEY YOU'RE WASTING MY DUCT TAPE!" Hermione shouted angrily.

"WHEEEEEE!" was the reply.

"Duck tape?" Malfoy sneered. "Sounds like mudblood stuff to me."

Harry glared and before Hermione could try to hold him back, Harry shoved Malfoy, ready to begin a fight. Actually, the fight never began after Harry shoved him because Malfoy hit the duct tape (there were now strewn across the room like streamers, except stronger). As if in a boxing ring, he flung back and knocked his head against Harry's. Both fell unconscious, with Malfoy on top of Harry in a heap.

"…well that was beautiful." Hermione said sarcastically as she muttered '_ennervate_' to wake up Harry.

It is not a pretty sight if you are a _straight _guy and there is a guy you hate on top of you.

"ARGH!" Harry screamed. "GET OFF, GET OFF, GET OFF!"

Needless to say, Hermione didn't need to say 'ennervate' to Malfoy to wake him up, for Harry's screams had the same effect…well, just more painful.

Then when Malfoy woke up to see he was on top of Harry, he screamed and scrambled up immediately. Both boys began to gag.

Well, within all that time, Ron had used up the whole roll of duct tape. Of course he had, they always come in small rolls. One minute you think you have a new roll of duct tape and the next it's ALL GONE! But…maybe not like how fast Ron had managed to use it.

"Aww," Ron said sadly as he reached the end of the roll.

But he looked back to see the beauty of his hard work. It was beautiful to _him_ to see the duct tape everywhere, although other people had different thoughts.

"Ugh, I can't get anywhere!" Pansy complained as a piece of duct tape blocked the way in front of her.

"Just go under the duct tape." Hermione rolled her eyes.

"The _what_?" Pansy was confused.

"_The duct tape_." Hermione repeated.

"_Duck _tape?!" Pansy was thinking she had hearing problems. She definitely didn't see any ducks.

"YES DUCT TAPE! JUST GO UNDER THE DAMNED THING IF YOU WANT TO GO SOMEWHERE! HOPEFULLY TO TAKE A LONG WALK OFF A SHORT PIER!" Hermione exploded.

"A real temper, that one." Ron shook his head.

"You know you don't really have room to talk." Seamus joked.

"I DO NOT HAVE A BLOODY TEMPER, ALRIGHT?!" Ron's face turned red as he clenched his fists.

"Um, alright man…" Seamus scooted away.

"Yeah, if you don't have a temper then I'm not straight." Malfoy said sarcastically.

Ron and Seamus stared at Malfoy.

"What?! I am straight, of course!" Malfoy glared at the two.

"Um, weren't you on top of Harry…?" Seamus coughed out. He and Ron took a few steps back.

"ARGH! NO! BLOODY IMAGES…" Malfoy started to pound ferociously upon his head.

"And you say _I_ have a temper?" Ron shook his head as he watched Malfoy go insane.

"Yeah, you do have a temper. Malfoy's just bloody crazy." Seamus watched Malfoy in amusement.

"Nope, you're also crazy." Neville entered the conversation.

"HEY THIS IS AN A AND B CONVERSATION SO C YOUR WAY OUT OF IT!" Seamus said loudly.

Ron and Neville merely blinked, watching Seamus instead of Malfoy.

"…get it? C? As in see? As in see your way out…?" Seamus explained.

"Not funny mate." Ron replied.

"Argh…bloody wizards…" Seamus muttered as he walked away from the two.

"There's something about muggle jokes that I don't find funny." Ron sighed.

"Maybe it's the fact that you're not a muggle." Neville shrugged.

"Yeah, that's also why I don't understand dad sometimes." Ron mumbled.

Hermione now was trying to rip off some of the duct tape that was strewn across the room to use to tape up her book bag. Of course it was quite strong and difficult to do so.

"ARGH, JUST…BLOODY…COME…OFF!" Hermione grunted as she tried with all her might to tear the stupid duct tape.

"Ah, do you need a _real_ man to do the job?" Ron rolled up his sleeves trying to plaster the 'cool guy from the movies' grin, although he failed miserably.

"…did you eat something sour?" Hermione was puzzled at his expression.

"No, why?" Ron frowned.

"…never mind. Now get a piece of duct tape off so I can use it!" Hermione ordered like the bossy woman she was.

Ron cleared his throat and started to pull on the tape. He never got far because his hands got stuck to the tape and he soon found himself trying to get the tape off of _his_ hands.

"…should I go find a _real_ man?" Hermione rolled her eyes.

"BLOODY HELL WHAT IS WRONG WITH MUGGLE PRODUCTS?!" Ron roared as he began shaking his hands and arms ferociously to try to fling off the tape.

"My, my, my," Draco drawled. "What is it about you two doing everything so _barbaric_, so _muggle_ like?"

"Duct tape covering your book bag is actually the new style." Hermione shot back sarcastically. "But that's only for punks, not preppy, snobby, daddy's boy."

"Well that's not fair saying 'daddy's boy' when in fact Potty doesn't have one. So he must be classified as a 'punk.'" Draco was actually having quite a word in this insulting contest.

Hermione glared at Draco and stood up so that they were almost eye to eye.

"I dare you to use the spell. I dare you." Hermione threatened.

"Fine. _Whetop_," Draco recited as he aimed his wand down at Hermione's book bag. Immediately it sealed up and the books zoomed back inside of it neatly.

Hermione just gave Draco the deadliest look on earth.

"You can always put duct tape over it _anyways_." Draco rolled his eyes. He started to walk away muttering, "Mudbloods, can't do anything the right way."

"Oh really? Then why did you help?" Hermione retorted as she heard his last comment.

Draco whipped around and was a little surprised by the question and, honestly, hadn't a clue how to answer it.

"I always try to help know-it-alls figure out that they in fact do _not_ know everything." Draco managed to come up with a decent comeback.

Hermione raised her eyebrow and folded her arms.

"Well a know-it-all that doesn't know everything! That would be a great example of an oxymoron _from_ a moron." Hermione shot back.

"More muggle terms from a mudblood. Sorry to say I don't really give an arse." Draco snarled as he turned back around to face Snape.

No one had even noticed that he hadn't been there for the first half of their _double_ Potions. It wasn't until now that everyone feared for their life and only wished there had been more rolls of duct tape to fill the room and perhaps block the doorway.

"Uh, I mean, I don't really give an arm." Draco quickly tried to cover up his 'French.' It was a pathetic try, anyways.

"I would give you a detention except for the fact that I would rather torture all of you in a way that doesn't involve me being _around_ you, at least not with your mouths and wands and such. And _with_ the permission from the Headmaster, I think I'll cast a few spells around here…" Snape cackled evilly.

And in just the few moments it took for the class to comprehend what was going on, the duct tape vanished, everyone found themselves _plastered_ to the seat (literally), their mouths sealed shut (literally), their wands in a pile on Snape's desk, and that they couldn't move.

Even with half of the class time wasted with Snape's late arrival, the second half was about to be the longest period of time any one of the students had ever felt.

A/N: Eh I know it's short and it took me so _terribly_ long…I'm incredibly sorry…keep me going here you guys, lol.

**Note**: I didn't want Snape to have to say _every time_ that so and so was banned, you know? It gets repetitive. But rest assure they _are_ banned as they _will_ appear on Filch's list of items not allowed in school.

Thank you **everyone**. I mean it. I read each and every review (and appreciate them) and I'm sorry I didn't do comments this time either (like I said I would). Please forgive me.


	26. Discussing Movies and Music

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

**Movies/Music**

**By: Helen Li**

**Dedicated to: Ryu-Gi**

Last time on **Rules, Rules, Rules**…

"_I would give you a detention except for the fact that I would rather torture all of you in a way that doesn't involve me being around you, at least not with your mouths and wands and such. And with the permission from the Headmaster, I think I'll cast a few spells around here…" Snape cackled evilly._

_And in just the few moments it took for the class to comprehend what was going on, the duct tape vanished, everyone found themselves plastered to the seat (literally), their mouths sealed shut (literally), their wands in a pile on Snape's desk, and that they couldn't move._

_Even with half of the class time wasted with Snape's late arrival, the second half was about to be the longest period of time any one of the students had ever felt._

And now back to **Rules, Rules, Rules**!

Now when I said that _everyone_ found themselves plastered to their seat, mouths sealed shut and so on…I meant every Slytherin. You see, Hermione had found out about Snape's secret permission and the cameras and such from last time. So naturally she informed all her fellow Gryffindors who conveniently forgot to pass on the message to the Slytherins. Ah, but how _exactly_ did she find out? Well let's go into a little flashback…

"_Headmaster!" Hermione said cheerfully as Dumbledore walked by in the corridors, chewing on some sort of licorice._

"_Miss Granger," Dumbledore nodded. He looked around cautiously and then back at Hermione, motioning her to move forward._

_Hermione looked around as well and decided that Dumbledore was no drug dealer (even in those ghetto robes) so she walked up to him._

"_Watch…out…for…Severus," Dumbledore said softly and slowly._

"_What?" Hermione didn't quite catch it._

"_Watch…out…for…Severus!" Dumbledore hissed through the sticky licorice._

"_Professor Snape?" Hermione's face was twisted in confusion._

"_Yes!" Dumbledore exasperated, sticking another licorice in his mouth to calm himself down. Oh that and he counted to twenty. (Ah, he may **seem** like a calm man, but come on…all that sugar! Plus he pauses a lot, which could actually be him counting in his mind.)_

"_But…why?" Hermione was extremely lost. Actually that was almost literally as she forgot where she was heading to…_

_"I um, sort of gave him permission to do whatever he wishes to your class." Dumbledore winced. Yes, the oh so powerful wizard could not stand a **chance** against an angry Hermione Granger._

_"WHAT!" Hermione exclaimed as Dumbledore ducked (See?), for he was expecting a curse, and there was no way he could curse a student. Well, that and his wand-hand was holding a package of licorice._

_"Will you look at the time? I'm afraid I must go!" Dumbledore lied as he looked up to see Severus glaring at him._

_Hermione saw him too so she just nodded and bid good-bye Dumbledore whispered before he left,_

_"He had cameras."_

So naturally Hermione had helped all the Gryffindors cast shields to every possible spell she could think of, all of which she guessed correctly. Of course she did! Now if any other Gryffindor had, they probably would have succeeded as well because they're the good guys and of _course_ the Slytherins would have failed miserably because they're the villains.

NOT!

Why do you ask? Because a certain Slytherin, also known as Draco Malfoy, overheard the loud Gryffindors (Lavender and Pavarti) talking about it and he as well prepared his pupils and succeeded. Why! Because this is not some stupid cheesy movie! It's a stupid cheesy fanfic!

So now you could say _no one_ really had the affects of Snape's spells…except that's not altogether true as well. You see…poor Neville…he never was informed…

But even so, he didn't know the rest were just pretending to be under the effects of Snape's spells.

"Now I am going to enjoy a nice nap while you all sit there and suffer!" Snape cackled. "And for homework you have to write me a _twenty foot essay_ about all my rules."

And then his evil laughter halted as he collapsed on his chair, snoring.

"Whew, glad that's over with." Ron was the first to move. (Seriously, the boy has A.D.D., haven't you recognized that already!) He muttered _"Accio_" and retrieved his wand along with everyone else.

"Shh, Ron! He could be awake!" Hermione hissed.

"Even _if_ he was awake, who cares?" Draco rolled his eyes.

"How…?" Hermione was shocked.

"Really Granger, do you think you're the only intelligent one out there?" Draco smirked.

"Yeah, we overheard you." Crabbe added, flexing his muscles.

"You idiot! You're not supposed to tell them that!" Draco hissed at the two.

Hermione burst into laughter.

"You two are just like the guys from Dumb and Dumber," Hermione sighed to herself.

"More like from Dude Where's My Car," Seamus added.

"Do _not_ tell me you actually watched that movie and _enjoyed_ it! It was horrible!" Hermione looked disgusted.

"Oh come on, that was funny." Seamus protested. After watching Hermione's look he sighed. "Okay…so it wasn't the best…"

"The best! We all know Lord of the Rings is the best," Ron crossed his arms and once again tried the cool guy from the movies look.

"…did you eat something sour?" Seamus gave Ron a weird look.

"NO!" Ron shouted.

"LEGOLAS!" Pavarti and Lavender gushed in unison.

"Oh come on, the best guy in _that_ movie was Aragorn," Draco rolled his eyes.

The room fell silent.

"I mean…um, well not that I've ever _seen_ it. Uh, I mean what _is_ a movie? Heh…heh…" Draco said nervously.

"Well, you were rooting for the wrong side. It was all about Sauron!" Blaise cheered his man on, breaking the silence, and causing the class to burst completely into arguments and debates.

"Okay, what do you think…Tristan from King Arthur or Legolas from Lord of the Rings?" Harry asked aloud.

"Tristan, for sure." Pansy said firmly.

"No way, Legolas was way cuter." Hermione argued.

"Use your brain, Granger." Pansy sneered. "Legolas has an unlimited supply of arrows which is simply _not_ realistic. Tristan has the best bow skills you could ever find; I mean he _did_ shoot the scout in the tree, which by the way he is a scout himself. That and he had the coolest samurai swords."

The room fell silent once again.

"Good point," Hermione managed to say without laughing.

"_What_?" Pansy demanded impatiently as she crossed her arms and tapped her foot.

"Let's just say you don't seem like a 'movie' kind of person," Seamus snorted. "I mean that literally, too, you know…like _moving_, like you're lazy. Get it?"

No one laughed.

"Really, mate, drop the 'jokes'," Ron shook his head. "If that's what you want to call them…"

"Yeah, you're about as funny as Steve Martin," Lavender rolled her eyes.

"Hey! Steve Martin is _hilarious_," Seamus argued back.

"No way, no one's better than Jim Carrey!" Lavender retorted.

"He is _so_ not 'gud'," Seamus mocked Bruce Almighty.

"…still…not…funny," Ron gritted between his teeth.

"Yeah, he's as mighty as my FOOT!" Seamus laughed.

Apparently that was enough to annoy Ron.

"WILL YOU BLOODY SHUT UP! YOU'RE THE DUMBEST BLOKE I KNOW, save Crabbe and Goyle respectably, AND YOUR 'JOKES' AREN'T FUNNY AT ALL!" Ron roared.

"Yeah, we're the dumb ones," Goyle added with a smirk, trying to imitate Malfoy but failed miserably.

"YOU IDIOT! YOU JUST INSULTED YOURSELF!" Hermione shouted in annoyance. (Hey, if _you_ were that smart it would be hard to tolerate morons, alright?)

"YEAH! YOU IDIOT!" Crabbe yelled at Goyle, smacking him upside the head.

Yes, this indeed led onto a fist fight since neither was smart enough to use a wand, not that they were ever able to pronounce the words.

"I swear, fighting like you're in 8 Mile," Blaise shook his head.

"_You_ watched _8 mile_?" Hermione gaped as everyone's jaw dropped as well.

"Hell yeah, dawg I'm down wit it." Blaise threw in his gangster sign.

"Yeah right, man. Yo you can't touch dis," Draco shoved Blaise.

The jaws dropped even more if that was at all possible. In fact Harry's jaw fell off and Ron had to charm it back on since he was unable to speak.

"FREESTYLE!" Seamus cheered on.

Pansy then flicked her wand and on came 'Lose Yourself' by Eminem.

"Ew…rap sucks!" Lavender covered her ears.

"Yeah, rap is crap!" Seamus laughed. "Get it? Like it rhymes…"

"SHUT THE BLOODY HELL UP!" Ron exploded. "_SILENCIO!_"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Hermione wailed. "You got the accent on the 'o' wrong!"

So he did. Seamus' figure, hair, _skin tone_ and everything began to change rapidly. Everyone stared in shock as he became…

Johnny Depp.

"HA! YOUR SPELL DIDN'T WORK!" Johnny Depp/Seamus shouted in glee.

Well the class was used to absurd things so Draco and Blaise shrugged and then resumed their freestyling.

"_Yo…yo…I say Avada Kedavra and you be dead ah you wish you had this but oh too bad you miss you got dissed what you gonna do, hiss like a snake cause your parents named you Drac-o what now man you're going down in the sand in nowhere land cause you're a nowhere man, so what you gonna do cause you're gonna lose gotta blow a fuse cause you're not that cool…_" The rap went on from Blaise's mouth.

"Is he really _rhyming_? I mean 'man' and 'sand'"? Pansy frowned.

"'Fuse' and 'Cool'?" Harry raised an eyebrow.

"Nowhere land?" Ron was confused.

"THE BEATLES!" Hermione cheered on and proceeded in singing "Nowhere Man."

"LINKIN PARK!" Pansy yelled back as she conjured some drums and two guitars. Draco and Blaise took the guitars with microphones in front of them as Pansy grasped two drumsticks.

"STOP!" shouted the most unlikely voice.

Everyone gulped and turned around. Professor Snape was indeed, awake.

"When you all thought I had been sleeping, I in fact was not! I was _pretending_ to sleep being the brilliant teacher I am so I could come up with an excuse to expel you all! (Hermione gasped and fainted.)" Snape grinned evilly. "However upon hearing all of your discussions about movies, which by the way is banned from now on and Tristan kicks all arse, I decided to listen. But I had to intervene before you decided to play _LINKIN PARK_. LINKIN PARK IS HORRIBLE!"

Gasps were heard among the students (minus Hermione for she was still on the ground. You see no one bothered to _"enervate_" her…).

"You…did…not…just…diss…LP…" Pansy gritted between her teeth.

"Who says _diss_?" Seamus snorted. He proceeded to say some corny joke but Ron's glare cut him off.

"Duh. You Got Served," Harry rolled his eyes in reply.

"Never seen it."

"Honey?"

"Nope."

"8 mile."

"…not really…isn't that what Blaise was rapping about, though?"

"Who are you?" Snape couldn't recognize Seamus. "Wait a minute…JOHNNY DEPP! OH MY GOSH I AM THE BIGGEST FAN OF YOURS. CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH? PLEASE? SIGN MY ROBE! WAIT NO, IT'S BLACK. UM…LET ME GET SOME PAPER!"

The whole class gaped (Hermione awoke) as Professor Snape scurried around the room trying to find a bit of parchment paper (it was difficult since most were wasted in the spitball incident.)

"But I'm not-"Seamus began.

"NO, IT'LL ONLY TAKE A SECOND!" Snape called from underneath the desk, still searching for that paper.

"Professor Snape…" Draco began.

"LIKES JOHNNY DEPP!" Lavender and Pavarti exclaimed in unison.

"He's more like in love," Ron rolled his eyes.

"IN LOVE!" Seamus began to panic. "AAHH! _EXPELLIMARUS! STUPEFY!_"

For some random shouting of spells, he had pretty good aim and power. Professor Snape wasn't even conscious in time to notice that he had been stunned and his wand blown away.

And Hermione witnessed all that and fainted again.

"That's two down," Ron was pretty impressed for some odd reason.

"…three, you mean…" Harry said slowly.

"NEVILLE!" everyone exclaimed.

They all turned their heads to see the poor kid who was still unable to budge, open his mouth, without a wand, and stuck to his seat. He merely blinked ferociously which everyone knew what he meant.

A few moments later all spells were lifted off of Neville.

"WHAT TOOK YOU GUYS SO LONG!" he roared. "I'VE BEEN SITTING HERE LISTENING TO YOU ALL TALK ABOUT MOVIES AND MUSIC WHEN IN FACT YOU'RE ALL WRONG!"

Everyone was silent as Malfoy said sarcastically

"Go on."

"It's ALL about the foreign films Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, Hero, and House of Flying Daggers. In terms of music I'm all about techno and trance. I'm the best raver as a matter a fact," Neville grinned as he conjured ink by accident, spilling it all over him (with a few chuckles from the Slytherins) but then conjured glow sticks and he charmed the room to be dark.

Everyone had to admit it was the coolest thing ever as Neville twirled the glow sticks around like crazy and even Seamus had to admit he was a better raver. Then Neville proceeded to break dance under a strobe light and everyone watched in awe.

"Damn…" even Malfoy muttered.

After a few minutes of break dancing, Neville got up and the strobe light disappeared. The room was pitch black but he muttered the charm to re light the room.

It didn't work.

"Uh-oh…I um, can't seem to get the lights back on…" Neville said nervously as everyone's jaw dropped and they thought,

_YOU MEAN WE'RE STUCK IN THIS PITCH BLACK ROOM!_

A/N: Well obviously the next chapter is no dark magic! A wonderful pun on words, might I add. Alright so I'm a little to proud of that one…

Sorry for the so long update!

Thank you's:  
**A Plot Twist**: Thanks, lol I think it's funny how you review random chapters…

**xPussyWillowKittenx**: Um the first type of duct tape, I think. Lol I'm actually not all that sure…

**diddlysquatness**: aww thanks so much! I know how you feel cause when I'm home alone and I'm up late and well…let's just say I'm paranoid too, I read some funny fics to cheer myself up!

**SongOfStars**: I'm still debating over muggle devices since it's not supposed to work in Hogwarts, but of course I can tweak that. ;D

**Ryu-Gi**: Hopefully you liked how I wrote your idea!

**Damia**: (sorry for shortening your sn. I'm lazy…I know.) Wow great list of ideas, I'll definitely use some.

**sweetstrawberry211**: Haha thanks, I think my favorite story of mine (wow that sounds weird) is Ice.

**ppptartt**: hehe, let's just say the students aren't _that_ mature.

**Ronniekinsgrl**: Thanks, I just feel better by acknowledging my reviewers. The whole Snape using cameras to watch the class a couple of chapters ago was kinda incorporating the camera thing. Lol

**shanmo**: ah, no need to apologize! At least you were reading another one of my fics! LOL.

**supernova8610**: omg that's a good idea! I hate being tickled…

**Kylala-San**: I know I do, I'm sorry I take so long!

**Wolf of Light**: I know! Stupid Dumbledore for telling Snape that…

**snitchyness**: ahh I know! Being watched! Gasp!

**Traiter**: flinches I remember that game…pain…

And everyone else! (sorry if I forgot you…)


	27. DDR

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

**DDR**

**By: Helen Li**

Last time…

_YOU MEAN WE'RE STUCK IN THIS PITCH BLACK ROOM!_

Now onto **Rules, Rules, Rules**…

"NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM!" everyone yelled out in unison.

"'Mione, you can get us out can't you?" Ron whined.

"I'll try." Hermione sighed. She then proceeded to chant different sorts of charms, but none relit the black room.

"You mean we're stuck in the dark!" Pansy exclaimed.

"No, brilliance, we're stuck in the light," Draco's sarcastic voice rang throughout the room.

"…but its dark. And who is that!" Pansy pouted.

"NO SHIT SHERLOCK!" Draco shouted in annoyance. He then thought to himself for a moment before replying, "…this is…Blaise!"

"Blaise? What are you doing in here?" Pansy was thoroughly confused as everyone else stifled their laughter.

"…I was just visiting when the lights went out. You just probably didn't notice." Draco lied quickly. He grinned to himself for he was having much fun and no one would see his smile since Malfoy's don't smile!

"Oh," Pansy replied dumbly. She was catching on to Crabbe and Goyle's famous reply apparently.

"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TURN BACK TO MY REGULAR SELF IN THE DARK!" Seamus complained loudly.

"Well being in the dark isn't going to us from casting spells!" Crabbe thought he had come up with the smartest remark ever. He was right though…but it still wasn't that bright…

"IDIOT!" Goyle smacked him for us. "How are we supposed to aim at him!"

Unfortunately Goyle didn't smack Crabbe, but he hit someone else…

"WHO HIT ME!" Ron roared. He proceeded to beat upon the person who hit him and soon he and Goyle got in a fist fight, not knowing who the other was, and it was sort of hard to aim in the dark so once in a while a yell was heard when one hit his fist upon the floor.

"It's not the aiming, smart one, it's the fact that we _can't see if it worked_," Draco sneered.

"Blaise, don't make fun of Crabbe and Goyle!" Pansy now took Draco's voice as Blaise's.

"I'll bloody make fun of them if I want to," Draco shot back. He secretly loathed Pansy and now was a perfect opportunity to make fun of her and tell her what he always wanted to. "Shut up you ugly, fat, stupid idiot!"

"That's a pretty lame insult," Lavender snorted. "More like pug-faced girl, but I question that, who _thinks_ she, or he, has a life but in fact _doesn't_."

A gasp could be heard, then sniffles and then bursts of tears. The sobs grew louder and then it was cries.

"…I-I didn't mean to make you cry," Lavender immediately felt bad.

"You didn't," Pansy said blandly.

"I'm crying because…well, it's so _true_," Draco burst into laughter. "I know I'm a great actor, no need to brag."

"BLAISE I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!" Pansy thundered.

"Well, hurry up already," Draco said impatiently.

"But…I can't see…and we're not allowed to use the killing curse… ("Like not being allowed to do something ever stopped this class," Hermione muttered.)" Pansy stammered. She definitely was not receiving the response she was expecting, but then again this was the _crazy_ class, what do you expect?

"Well in that case I say we move on to something more…_fun_ not to say that hearing people insult Parkinson isn't," Pavarti said sardonically. She then muttered a charm and conjured…

A DDR MACHINE!

"What on earth is _that_?" many Slytherins immediately asked as they stared at the brightly and colorfully lit arcade machine.

"That, my friends, is _dance dance revolution_," Pavarti grinned as she stood on the platform proudly.

"But… I mean… That's a muggle device… The charms… What I'm trying to say is… It's not supposed to… Argh, HOGWARTS A HISTORY!" Hermione shouted in frustration.

"…that's a stupid book?" Draco asked, confused.

"NO! ELECTRONIC DEVICES AREN'T SUPPOSED TO WORK IN THE SCHOOL GROUNDS!" Ron answered, irritated, for her.

"Ronald! You _actually_ read…?" Hermione was in complete and utter shock.

"…well I was bored over the summer, okay!" Ron grumbled.

Everyone gaped at Ron until he ranted some more at them and then their attention focused back on the now…moving…arrows.

"This…is…the…wizarding…kind…just…made…it…myself," Pavarti answered in short breaths as she was busy hitting the arrows with her feet.

"I say this is the best thing since Quidditch," Seamus agreed as he hopped on and started playing a song.

"…you don't play Quidditch…" Harry blinked.

"EXACTLY!" Seamus laughed…then stopped and turned around to Ron. "Um, I wasn't trying to be funny so…yeah…well, hehe…"

"Oh sod off and let someone else get on the machine," Ron shoved Seamus off (who didn't mind since the temper if a Weasley is much worse). He stepped in the middle and Pavarti chose a song.

She happened to choose the fastest and hardest song of them all.

"WHAT IN THE BLOODY HELL IS THIS!" Ron yelled as he frantically tried to step on the arrows. He ended up giving up and just randomly jumped around on the arrows, hitting some perfects and greats here and there as he managed to randomly get them.

"What…you…can't…catch…up?" was Pavarti's reply.

"HOW DID YOU DO THIS, FINNIGAN!" Ron could simply not handle being outdone by a fake jokester.

"Well…I was on an easier level and song…" Seamus hesitated as he backed away slowly from Ron. He ended up running into Neville as he screamed at the unexpected barrier and fainted.

"Ow…my ears…" Neville's poor ears were damaged from the scream.

Everyone shrugged and for the rest of the time being they stared at the colorful arrows and lights, able to see at least _something_. You could actually tell if it was a witch or wizard when they went up to play, but it was hard to make out who exactly it was. But Draco did not dare go up as he made up more lies for Pansy.

"Drakie honey, would you like to go up with me?" Pansy said in a sing-song voice as she skipped onto the machine, ready to test it out.

No one replied.

"Drakie-poo?"

Laugher could be heard.

"Draco where are you!"

"He left when I arrived." Draco lied as a huge mischievous smile was on his face that no one could see.

"WHY DID HE LEAVE!" Pansy barked.

"He had to go to the bathroom." Draco shrugged.

"Oh…well then," Pansy was really losing brain cells by the minute…not that she had any. "I guess I'll do it myself!"

And she did. She also sucked big time as she missed _every single arrow_ on _beginner_ mode. It wasn't that which made her look retarded…but when she slipped…and fell…and her head hit the bar in the back which the good players hung onto (such as Pavarti.)

Let's just say Draco was the only one upset because he was _really_ having fun impersonating Blaise.

Well Hermione was watching and was quite intrigued by the game that she thought she could master with that academic skill because _of course_ you can apply a formula to every little thing and make it work! At least, that's what she had figured out as she went up, kicked the unconscious Pansy off the platform completely, and chose a random song.

I could say that Hermione was absolutely awful at the game and everyone rejoiced since they all had a chance of finally beating the bookworm at something!

But no, formulas actually do exist for a purpose…and that would be DDR.

"How does she DO THAT!" even Pavarti was blown away, and she had been playing for a year now!

"Well by dividing the BPM (beats per minute) by the number of arrows and calculating the correct measure of air, chaos…" Hermione droned on with what could be a breakthrough in DDR except she was a witch and didn't really play it ever so no muggle ever found out so we still are just…average.

Everyone just blinked and shrugged, watching on.

Then Hermione soon ran out of energy (that was also in her complicated formula) and Crabbe and Goyle secured their spot on the game. (With a flex of those muscles, who couldn't?)

"Um…this might not be a good idea-"Pavarti tried to warn the two.

No one listened, of course, because whenever someone is right everyone tends to ignore it and then everything's ruined…or in this case…the DDR machine.

You see DDR machines, just like everything else, can only withstand so much weight…and when that heavy thing is jumping up and down, it only makes it worse…like Crabbe and Goyle for example.

They hadn't even finished their song when the entire machine crumpled into a heap of electrical wires and strange colorful smokes which would explain the magical part in it.

"You…broke…the…machine," Pavarti couldn't believe it.

"And it doesn't taste good either," Crabbe spat out a chunk of metal.

"OF COURSE IT DOESN'T BLOODY TASTE GOOD, IT'S NOT EDIBLE YOU MORON!" Pavarti freaked out as her beautiful game was demolished. She then proceeded to pick up the broken bar and run around swinging, hoping to hit Crabbe and Goyle.

But of course now in the pitch dark again she only whacked a few students who were _not_ Crabbe and Goyle and in fact never really got a chance to hit the two.

Why? Because the lights came on.

And it was really unexpected as everyone turned around to see Professor Snape who had regained conscious, standing next to…

_A LIGHT SWITCH!_

"I had just installed electronic devices myself," Snape said dryly as he gestured at the light switch. "Unfortunately idiotic students such as you could not seem to apply muggle studies or the new products released that were in fact mentioned in the Daily Prophet for weeks. Now with that speaking DDR is banished and you all owe me a five foot essay over devices taken from the muggle world and altered to fit the wizarding world."

Everyone (including a woken up Pansy) was taken back from the assignment, a _calm_ Snape, and the _electrical_ lights as they walked out the classroom in silent shock.

Pansy was the first to recover as when she walked out Blaise was waiting by the door.

"BLAISE ZABINI YOU ARE IN THE BIGGEST TROUBLE YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE SO I SUGGEST YOU START RUNNING THIS INSTANT!" she roared as she began to smack him relentlessly in the head as hard as she could.

Draco stood and laughed evilly.

Everyone walked by and smiled as well at the stupid girl and the poor Slytherin who they actually sort of pitied. However everyone else passing by stopped and gasped at Seamus.

"JOHNNY DEPP!" They screamed as Seamus had a look of horror on his face. He turned around and ran as fast as he could with girls, and some boys, chasing after him.

But no one noticed the Potions Professor charming the broken arcade game together and dancing on it as well.

A/N: I _had_ to do this one because I am a _huge_ fan of DDR and I _do_ rock at it. Some guys can beat me, though, because they have more stamina and I'm really sort of weak and I get easily tired. (I get it from my mom…and well, Asians _don't_ have as much stamina in the first place.)

And a note from the previous chapter:  
I have never actually seen eight legged freak' (surprise surprise). In fact I made up the guy getting eaten thing, but I imagine it would have happened in the movie. Wow…so fooled some of you, eh? Haha.

I'll use the awesome ideas I've received when I can!

Thank you's:

**shy–n –great**: RULERS! BRILLIANT! THANK YOU!

**RDFCFSAF**: Ahh! I'm so flattered!

**emikae**: I know! I make them all freaky hahahah.

**hottennispro88**: UNDERWEAR! LMAO!

**xPussyWillowKittenx**: Hmm, I'm not all that sure what you mean. Haha I love Tristan though…

**SongOfStars**: Hehe, muggle devices in this one!

**Ryu-Gi**: Hopefully you liked how I wrote your idea!

**Damia**: AHH that sounds funny! I'll have to try that one. And cool name.

**sweetstrawberry211**: Hehe, I'm a Tristan fan, but I love them both!

**Kylala-San**: Course I could! I have to right? I mean I am writing it…lol jk sometimes I can't. hahaha.


	28. Rulers

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

**Rulers**

**By: Helen Li **

Dedicated to: shy-n-great

Everyone was somewhat calmed when they entered the Potions room to see their professor at his desk, normal (at least on the outside), and ready for the day's lesson. It had been quite a while since the students had a…_regular_ lesson, so to speak, so they sat and actually felt awkward to be in such a state.

Bored (amazing, isn't it!) at their seats, Neville began off by pulling out his plastic ruler. He proceeded to pull it back and let go, causing it to fling and hit the desk with an annoying, 'bang.'

It soon got on everyone's nerves and they all flinched and glared at Neville which every hit. It was of course Professor Snape who lost his temper.

"WOULD YOU QUIT MAKING SUCH A RACKET!" He shouted irritably. Neville slouched in his seat and hid his ruler away immediately. A deep scarlet of red crept onto his cheeks as he was embarrassed. A few Slytherins snickered as well.

Immediately an owl flew in and as Professor Snape looked at it with disgust, he picked up the note and read it, his lips curling into a sneer.

"I am to leave shortly but you will have a substitute. Do _not_ think the rules are not going to be enforced!" Professor Snape caught everyone's relieved look.

He left as the room fell silent, making sure he couldn't hear as they heard his footsteps grow lighter. Finally Neville proceeded to bang his ruler against the desk again.

"WHY MUST YOU DO THAT!" Ron roared as he turned to face Neville.

"I dunno, I guess it sort of…releases stress?" Neville shrugged, making a nice rhythm with his wooden stick.

"And it's…well…got a good beat," Blaise murmured.

"FREESTYLE!" someone shouted out randomly.

"Yo I met a girl named _Jackie_ her clothes were _tacky_ but hey she was _wacky_ cause her name was _Jackie_." Blaise did the little gangster sign with his fingers as he bobbed to the beat.

"Man, what kind of skill is _that_? Anyone can rhyme!" Seamus shoved Blaise as he took the spotlight (yes, someone had also conjured _that_). "CAT, HAT, BAT, RAT, MAT, FAT OHHHHH!"

"Dude that was stupid," Blaise shook his head.

"FACE IT, YOU _DON'T_ HAVE GOOD JOKES AND YOU _CAN'T_ FREESTYLE!" Ron thundered as he whipped out his wand, pointing it at Seamus. "I am _really_ getting tired of you, mate."

"Uh…En Guard!" Seamus reached behind him (which happened to be Neville's desk) and grabbed the…ruler, by accident, instead of the wand. "AHA!"

Ron looked down at the ruler at the same time everyone else did and Seamus gulped in fear, realizing he had…well, grabbed the wrong item.

"Y-you are _so_ stupid," Ron coughed out before bursting into laughter. "WHAT on earth are you going to do with _that_!"

Seamus laughed nervously himself, a little afraid of the red haired boy, but gathered himself together and felt a little embarrassed as everyone kept laughing. Finally his pride got to him and he smacked Ron in the face with the ruler.

Everyone gasped in shock and Hermione even fainted (should we be surprised?).

"You…bloody…" Ron said dangerously as he got back up with a red mark on his face. "IDIOT!"

And with that he dropped his wand and punched him in the face.

"And he called _him_ the idiot? He had the wand!" Malfoy exclaimed in disbelief.

"But you always tell us to use our fists," Crabbe said dumbly as Goyle nodded in agreement.

"That's because you two _morons_ don't even know any good spells!" Malfoy rolled his eyes.

"Oh," they both replied.

Well the fight didn't last too long because Ron was quite strong indeed. He had snatched the ruler from Seamus and began smacking him upside the head with it.

"Ow!" Seamus ducked. "I was kidding man! Stop! Hey!"

"Ron stop whacking Seamus with the ruler!" Hermione emerged from her unconsciousness. She gave Ron one swift kick in the shin ("OW!" Ron yelled) and grabbed the ruler, smacking him in the head.

"I thought you said not to whack people with the ruler! You hippo crate!" Ron sulked.

"I said for _you_ to not hit _Seamus_. Am I you and are you Seamus? And it's hypocrite you idiot!" Hermione yelled back.

"Um, excuse me…" interrupted a stranger as he walked through the open door.

"Uh, oops are you are substitute?" Hermione said nervously as she hid the ruler behind her back.

"No…" the stranger shook his head.

"You certainly don't look like one," Malfoy snorted. "Where did you come from? A shipwreck?"

"Actually…" he began.

"YOU HAVE A SWORD!" Ron exclaimed. "Bloody hell that's awesome! Aha, let's fight!"

And with that he took back the ruler which Hermione had and held it up.

"You're kidding me," Seamus stifled his laughter.

"Ron…suicide is not an option," Hermione said slowly.

"Uh, did that bludger really hit you that hard on your head last night…?" Harry said quickly.

"Ah don't listen to those idiots, go fight," Malfoy grinned slyly.

"Oh sod off Malfoy," Harry snapped before punching him in the jaw.

"…Harry! Ron! What's gotten to you two!" Hermione gasped before fainting.

"Look lad, I don't want to have to hurt you…" the stranger was having a hard time ducking Ron's ferocious swings.

"HAHA! MY RULER CAN TAKE YOUR SWORD ANY DAY!" Ron was definitely insane.

"WILL YOU BLOODY QUIT IT!" the Stranger was getting quite frustrated.

"He's kind of cute," Lavender whispered to Pavarti.

"Yeah I wonder if he's a transfer student," Pavarti giggled.

"Hey, if you fight Draco then you fight me." Blaise intervened between Malfoy and Harry.

"That's not fair that would be two against one!" Seamus pointed out.

"So?" Blaise and Malfoy said at the same time.

"Well then HELP me!" Harry exasperated as he threw his hands up in the air. "I mean honestly are you just going to stand there and point out the facts!"

"Hey with that attitude…" Seamus said warned.

"I know where you sleep Seamus…" Harry said dangerously.

"Is that a threat!" Seamus exclaimed.

"…uh, yeah," Harry paused.

"Well, um, then…" Seamus scratched his head.

"…hello, can we get on with this fight?" Blaise rolled his eyes as Malfoy tapped his foot.

"It doesn't matter whether you help or not, Finnegan because there's actually _four_ of us." Malfoy sneered as Crabbe and Goyle stepped forward, flexing their muscles.

"Four? But I only count three," Crabbe looked around.

"Doesn't matter I can only reach to two," Goyle frowned.

"OH SHUT UP!" Malfoy shouted.

"Well you may have Crabbe and Goyle but _we_ have," Harry and Seamus took a few steps back and whipped out…RULERS!

"…oh finish them," Malfoy waved his hand towards Harry and Seamus. Crabbe and Goyle nodded their heads and rolled up their sleeves, walking towards the two Gryffindors.

"I suppose we'll just sit here and watch," Blaise murmured.

"Unless Crabbe and Goyle get in trouble and we need to intervene," Draco shrugged.

The two Slytherins glanced at each other and laughed sinisterly. But as they both turned back to watch the fight they assumed they'd win, they were in for a surprise.

Somehow Seamus and Harry was whooping butt with some sort of martial arts move with the rulers.

"CROUCHING TIGER!" Seamus shouted as he ducked Crabbe's punch and swung the edge of the ruler at Crabbe's ankle, causing him to fall.

"HIDDEN DRAGON!" Harry yelled along as he scooted aside to dodge Goyle's jab. He proceeded to stab Goyle's ribs with the front of the ruler as he, too, collapsed on top of Crabbe in a heap.

"Did they…" Malfoy began.

"…just lose?" Blaise's jaw dropped.

"Well looks like it's two on two," Harry and Seamus hit the ruler in their palms menacingly.

In case you were wondering Hermione regained conscious, witnessed the fight, and fainted yet again.

And if you were also wondering what was going on with the Stranger and Ron, well the Stranger somehow got a ruler as well and began to deflect some of Ron's crazy moves.

"HAHAHAHA WHY DON'T YOU USE YOUR SWORD!" Ron was moving at like five thousand miles an hour… (Exaggeration, bite me.)

"Because it will cut right through your ruler you idiotic lad!" the Stranger exasperated.

"Where is everyone getting these rulers!" Lavender exclaimed.

"Uh, I think Neville's giving them out," Pavarti pointed at Neville.

"Hey, it's fun to watch," Neville shrugged as he tossed two rulers at Lavender and Pavarti.

"He's got a point," Lavender sighed as she glanced down at her ruler. "But what can _we_ do with these?"

"Maybe we could incorporate them in some hair style…" Pavarti murmured.

"Yeah, your hair could use it," Lavender agreed.

"…excuse me?" Pavarti was taken back.

"Oh no, I didn't mean it that way," Lavender immediately took what she said back.

"Then what _do_ you mean, Miss Flat Chest?" Pavarti raised an eyebrow.

"EXCUSE ME!" Lavender gasped as she _almost_ fainted.

"You heard me," Pavarti narrowed her eyes.

"That's it, it's on," Lavender glared as she swung and hit Pavarti in the back.

"YOU SO DID NOT JUST DO THAT!" Pavarti shrieked.

"Yeah I did and what are _you_ going to do about it, Miss Bad Hairdo?" Lavender smirked.

The two began the biggest catfight of the year.

"Wow, watching some weird guy and a hot tempered Weasley fight was nothing compared to the ninja moves Harry and Seamus pulled on Crabbe and Goyle, but _this_? Two chicks fighting! Man I should have brought rulers a _long_ time ago…" Neville sighed to himself.

"Listen, did I mention that we're _really_ sorry?" Blaise backed up as Harry and Ron advanced on the two Slytherins.

"Where are our wands?" Malfoy whispered to Blaise.

"Right here Draco," Pansy said coldly as she held up Blaise and Malfoy's wand.

"Well give them to us!" Malfoy ordered.

"That's not the proper tone to strike at a time like this," Pansy said in a sing song voice. "Especially after the way you treated me!"

"Well I didn't do anything so at least give me mine!" Blaise cut in.

"No you were making fun of me last week!" Pansy recalled the DDR incident.

Draco snorted.

Well it was too late because Harry and Seamus knocked them out unconscious within the next second.

"WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON!" Professor Snape roared as Ron's ruler snapped in half (cheap plastic) flew and hit him in the head. He had just witnessed two fights, but missed the ending of the other. (Lavender and Pavarti stopped in mid fight as Lavender had a fistful of Pavarti's hair and Pavarti was in the process of whacking Lavender with her ruler on her face.)

Everyone paused and looked over at the bewildered Potions Professor.

"Uh…" Ron stood in front of Snape,holding half of a ruler."Rulers, hehe…"

"…Mr. Longbottom," Professor Snape narrowed his eyes at the Gryffindor who was cowering under a desk trying to conceal the bag of rulers he had with him. "I think one month's of detention will do."

"Finally he stops!" the Stranger muttered as he rubbed some tender skin.

"Where's the substitute! Miss Brown and Patil, a week's of detention to you as well! _Why_ is Miss Granger on the ground? And what happened to Mr. Zabini and Malfoy! And who are _you_?" Professor Snape noticed the Stranger.

"_I'm_ Captain Jack Sparrow, savvy?" Jack grinned proudly as he stood straight.

"…Johnny…Depp…" Professor Snape gulped as he remembered the movie.

"Wait if _you're_ Captain Jack Sparrow and you were transported here…does that mean that…?" Harry's jaw fell open.

"Uh, where am I? Who are you guys? Is this the class I'm substituting?" the young man looked around in wonder. He was currently on an island on what seemed to be a shipwreck.

"I don't think that's Cap'n Jack," one of the crew members whispered.

A/N: lol sorry for the extremely long wait… I'll use the awesome ideas I've received when I can!

Thank you to **everyone**!


	29. Caffeine

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

**Caffeine**

**By: Helen Li**

Professor Snape was sitting at the desk when the first person walked in, specifically Neville. He would usually have gulped as the Potions Professor glared at him, watching him with his hawk-eye and then he would probably have sat down quietly and nervously if he hadn't had that cup of Wizarding coffee. Scratch that, if he hadn't had those _twelve_ cups of Wizarding coffee. Let me explain that Wizarding coffee, and basically any Wizarding caffeine is NOT the same as the muggle kind. Let's say it's…kicked up a few notches.

Instead he skipped into class (resembling a bouncy, little girl) and tossed his book bag below his seat, not caring that it hit the desk and everything fell out noisily. He then proceeded to skip around the room (shaking a bit) while singing in an extremely annoying voice.

"Quit singing and skipping and sit in your seat! Ten points from Gryffindor!" Professor Snape snapped after he shook of the disbelief of what he was watching.

Neville stopped and frowned (he was still shaking though).

"Why?" Neville folded his arms.

"Because I _said so_," Professor Snape gritted between his teeth. "Now you just lost another five points."

"Don't _we_ get a constitution! Freedom of speech, I say!" Neville declared loudly as he pumped his fist in the air.

"What on _earth_ are you talking about?" Professor Snape exasperated.

"Muggle studies, but of course. The constitution was created in America to preserve the citizens' rights." Hermione answered promptly as she entered the room and slid her book bag under _her_ desk, however _not_ spilling out its contents.

She sat down in her seat and drummed her fingers on the desk rapidly.

"Well this isn't the _muggle_ world so _sit down right this instant_," Snape snapped irritably.

"Someone's a Mr. Grouchy today!" Neville put his hands on his hips, shortly receiving another glare. He soon skipped back to his seat, whistling, and sat down as well.

Professor Snape decided to ignore Neville's comment and glanced at the clock. "Well seeing as though I have some time to borrow some ingredients from Professor Sprout, you two start on your assignment which is on the board and I expect both of you to inform students arriving as well."

"OKIE DOKIE!" Neville said enthusiastically, too much for Snape's liking.

"Yes sir," Hermione smiled as well.

And so the Professor left after giving suspicious looks to the two Gryffindors.

"YAY THE WICKED WITCH IS GONE!" Neville stopped shortly. "Hm, but he's a wizard so I guess…THE WICKED WIZARD IS GONE! Wait, are those the right words? Hm, not sure…"

"What on earth is _wrong_ with me!" Hermione exclaimed as she got up. "I can't seem to stop twiddling my fingers or fidgeting around!"

"I had coffee," Neville grinned, showing all his teeth. "CAFFEEEEEINNEEE!"

And with that he completely disobeyed Professor Snape's wishes as he sprung up and stood on his desk, yelling random phrases. He proceeded to jump down and twist his ankle, falling down into a daze.

"What in the bloody hell is going on?" Ron entered the room with Harry. "And 'Mione, why did you just take off like that?"

"I just couldn't _wait_ for you two," Hermione tried to explain as she leaned back and forth on the balls of her feet.

"What do you mean! Ron stopped to tie his shoe!" Harry protested.

"Oh _everyone_ knows the simple spell for _that_!" Hermione proceeded to say it.

When your hand is shaking and you say a spell, you probably won't hit the target. Enough said.

"HEY! You untied my shoes!" Harry looked down at his, indeed, untied shoes.

"Well it does the reverse if your shoes are tied!" Hermione chirped as she began to hop in place.

"What are you _doing_?" Ron's eyes moved up and down to catch up with Hermione.

"I don't _know_ you idiot but I must say that orange juice this morning was quite tasty…but different…hm, did they use _fresh_ oranges!" Hermione wondered aloud as she skipped around the two confused boys.

"Orange juice…?" Harry began.

"YOU MUST HAVE HAD LAVENDER AND PAVARTI'S POISONOUS DRINK!" Ron exclaimed. "It makes you go bloody insane, I tell you."

"Are you serious!" Hermione's eyes widened as she stopped and then began to pull on her hair.

"No it won't make you insane!" Harry rolled his eyes as he smacked Ron in the head. "It's loaded with caffeine though…"

"CAFFEEEINNNNEEE!" Neville shouted again as he fell back out of his weird staring-into-space phase.

He got up, realized his ankle was twisted so immediately crumpled back down on the ground, wincing as he grabbed his ankle.

"OH NEVILLE!" Hermione saw that he was hurt.

So naturally she jumped over (literally) and put her hands on her hips with a broad smile on her face.

"I KNOW HOW TO FIX THAT!" she said cheerfully.

"Wait!" Ron and Harry tried to protest before it was too late.

In this class, _everything _is _always_ too late.

"MY ANKLE!" Ron dropped to the ground as he clutched it in pain.

"HAHAHA I GUESS THAT DOES THE OPPOSITE, TOO, THEN!" Hermione laughed as she fell on the ground, doubling over.

"Oh great, it's the idiot Trio and Longbottom," the hideous voice of Draco could be heard as he walked in with his posse.

"Oh GREAT the _extremely blonde haired_ daddy's boy is here and his idiot monkeys," Ron snapped as pain made him extremely agitated and therefore skillful at throwing insults.

"HAHAHA YOU SAID MONKEY!" Hermione burst into laughter again as tears rolled down her cheeks and her sides hurt. Neville joined in.

"What is _wrong_ with you, mudblood?" Malfoy's eyes widened.

"NOTHING YOU IDIOT MONKEY!" Hermione got extremely angry at the word and then began giggling after saying 'monkey.'

"MONKEY! CAFFEEINE!" Neville cracked up as he bounced up and fell back down because of that god damned ankle!

Before the Slytherins could say anything, in ran Lavender and Pavarti, pushing each other and full of laughter and giggles.

"AND…AND THEN HE WAS LIKE, NO WAY AND I WAS LIKE YEAH WAY!" Lavender said in between breaths.

"NO WAY!" Pavarti giggled.

"YEAH!" Lavender replied as she started to bounce up and down.

"Is it Gryffindors-Go-Insane-Day?" Malfoy shook his head as he speculated the Gryffindors. "Someone should have bloody warned us."

"IF I DIDN'T HAVE A BLOODY TWISTED ANKLE, I'D KNOCK YOU DOWN RIGHT NOW!" Ron threatened from the ground.

"How's the weather down there?" Seamus joked as he walked in.

"YOU'RE STILL NOT FUNNY, FINNEGAN!" He roared.

"Apparently not very good," Seamus muttered.

"Oh my God!" Pansy shrieked as Lavender and Pavarti began to play tag with each other, therefore running around the room like the crazy girls they were.

"OOH TAG, I LOVE TAG!" Seamus yelled as he joined in.

"What's that?" Crabbe pointed to the drinks Lavender and Pavarti had on their desks.

"I dunno but I'm thirsty," Goyle started towards it.

They both downed the two bottles in no time and were now stupid, fat, _hyper_ blokes.

"MAN I LOVE BROWNIES!" Crabbe declared.

"AND I LOVE BRITISH PIZZA!" Goyle yelled as well.

"PIZZA ISN'T BRITISH YOU IDIOTS," Draco snapped.

"But we're British and WEEE have pizza," Goyle protested.

"…oh never mind, I won't even bother." Draco muttered.

"HAHA BOTHER. LET'S GO BOTHER HARRY POTTER!" Crabbe decided.

"Well that's fine with me," Draco shrugged.

"OKAY!" Goyle agreed with Crabbe as they both ran up to Harry.

"Uh-oh," Harry sighed. He didn't like interacting with the two blokes.

"HEHE NOW THAT WE'RE HERE…WHAT DO WE DO?" Goyle shouted.

"WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU SHOUTING!" Harry replied irritably.

"UH…WE BOTHER HIM!" Crabbe yelled.

"HOW?" Goyle responded loudly.

"…LIKE…BOTHER! BOTHER BOTHER! BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER!" Crabbe poked Harry while proceeding to shout "bother".

"WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING!" Harry yelled as he tried to back away from now both Crabbe and Goyle's bothering technique.

"Why do you always say 'on Earth'. I mean it's apparent we are on Earth, isn't it?" Hermione bounced up and down.

"WHY ON EARTH – I mean, why are you bouncing like that!" Harry shouted.

"DUHHHHHHH IT'S THE CAFFEEEEINNNEEE. EVEN YOU KNEW THAT!" Hermione rolled her eyes as she waved her arms around…while bouncing.

"…well I don't know what caffeine does to you," Harry grumbled.

"HERE, TRY SOME THEN!" Hermione conjured a Wizarding Coke as she tossed it at Harry.

"You know, the Dursley's never let me have any soda while they drank it…but theirs was muggle coke…" Harry murmured with a dark look as he recalled horrid memories.

"WELL HAVE A DRINK!" Hermione ran around the room, jumping over desks.

"NOOOO HARRY! DON'T GIVE IN TO THE INSANITY!" Ron screamed as he still…clutched his ankle.

Harry shrugged and gulped it all down.

"MY LAST HOPE TO FIX MY ANKLE…MY LAST – hey, I know the spell." Ron realized that he could do it himself.

He then proceeded to chant it and at least ONE thing went right in this classroom as he was healed.

"I CAN RUN! I CAN RUN!" Ron said with glee.

"BOTHER BOTHER…eh, this is getting boring. Let's bother someone else!" Crabbe and Goyle were being ignored by Harry.

"NO! GO AWAY!" Ron yelled as he ran off.

"WHEEE, LET'S SQUARE DANCE!" Hermione swept Harry by the arm and…somehow they knew exactly how to square dance.

"Drakie-poo I'm scared! What's going on!" Pansy pounced onto Draco and held on to his robes tightly.

"Get…off…and don't call me that," Draco gritted between his teeth.

Pansy did not obey.

"What's going on?" she wailed again.

"I don't know but get off of me!" Draco demanded.

Pansy refused.

So Draco picked up the coke bottle on the desk (Harry had left it there) and while he tossed it at Pansy's face he yelled,

"GET OFF OF ME!"

Pansy screamed and the open bottle sent the liquid into her mouth and she choked for a moment as she swallowed it in surprise.

"Drakie…I feel…energetic, and…I feel like, SKIPPING!" Pansy screeched as she began to skip.

"God you're all bloody insane." Draco couldn't believe his eyes.

Crabbe, Goyle and Ron had now joined in the tag game between Lavender, Pavarti and Seamus because well, they got confused of why they were running and who they were chasing and all. And Pansy soon joined as well except she preferred to skip the entire time. Hermione and Ron continued to square dance in the middle of the classroom.

Neville had been healed by another Gryffindor and given them some coffee which basically passed on to ALL of the Gryffindors (they didn't share with the Slytherins) and now they were playing hopscotch with the desks. If you missed…you fell, broke your ankle more than likely and someone would heal it.

The rest of the Slytherins had been boycotting the nonsense until some Gryffindor had switched their drinks (hey this class was before lunch so naturally people ate and drank) with caffeine filled drinks. Now they were playing fight with all your might, a brutal Wizarding game that usually the drunken ones played. Basically you fought with no apparent rules at all.

And yes, right at this moment Professor Snape walked in.

Crabbe and Goyle had just joined in the hopscotch but they broke the tables whenever they landed on them so when they saw Professor Snape they gave up and decided…

"LET'S BOTHER SNAPE!"

"BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER!" they poked at him.

"WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING!" Professor Snape yelped.

"ON EARTH! AGAIN! YES, WE ARE ON EARTH!" Hermione yelled.

"TAG, YOU'RE IT!" Lavender burst into laughter as she smacked Hermione upside the head.

"Professor Snape I swear I'm the only sane one in here, besides you of course," Draco ran up to him in desperation.

"Of course, Draco which is why the Gryffindors have lost ten more points," Professor Snape said coldly.

Draco smirked and folded his arms, ready for the class to be put back to normality.

But Professor Snape had taken up drinking due to all the chaos he had to deal with…as you can see. So a flask was in his pocket on his robes, ready to be drunk from when Neville spotted it and decided to pour the alcohol out and put some of his Wizarding coffee in.

So as Professor Snape took a drink from it to try to calm himself down…let's just say the effect wasn't exactly what he was looking for.

"Hm…I feel…funny, like this…this isn't really Fire Whiskey…" he murmured as he stumbled a bit. "WHY I SAY WE HAVE A LAB!"

Draco's eyes widened as he soon realized that he was in fact the _only_ sane one. So he did the only thing he could, although he despised it…

He got Dumbledore.

"Why, will you look at that," Dumbledore chuckled as he entered the room.

"I don't see what's so funny! You must stop this!" Draco snapped.

"Hold on, I must…get a picture of Severus," Dumbledore pulled out a camera as Professor Snape was in fact…dancing…on top of a table, while waving his potions around.

Draco glared at the Headmaster.

"Oh alright," Dumbledore grumbled as he muttered the spell to take off the effect.

"Wow…all of a sudden I feel…really…tired," Hermione mumbled as she fell down into a deep sleep automatically.

"Yes, that should be the after effect since they used up all their energy," Dumbledore said solemnly. "And I should think caffeine…well Wizarding caffeine is now banned from Hogwarts. New fads are not always the best."

"Who created this?" Draco exasperated.

"Why, George and Fred Weasley of course."

A/N: WOW I have not updated in FOREVER! I apologize so much! So for the ones that have stuck with this fic and will read and review this chapter, THANK YOU SO MUCH! I'll try to get back into the "groove" of writing…so to speak. I'm currently working on a story of mine but we'll see how that goes.

Keep the ideas coming!


	30. Rubber Bands

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

**Rubber bands**

**By: Helen Li**

**Dedicated to: XX-Dracos-Dark-Queen-XX**

It was amazing. No student was punished at _all_ after the entire incident with caffeine. The only thing that changed was yet another rule but that didn't even cause a dent in the students' morale. But then again…it wasn't really "amazing."

"Oh Severus!" Dumbledore said in a sing song voice.

"…yes…" Professor gritted his teeth.

"Do pick up these candies for me," the Headmaster handed the Professor a list of various muggle candies.

"But…you can only find these…" Snape read the list.

"At a muggle store! And how convenient that you're free to get them for me!" Dumbledore waved a familiar picture in front of Severus' face.

Professor Snape grumbled and cursed as he made his way out the door.

"Hello Professor!" Neville stammered nervously as he ran into Snape.

"TEN POINTS OFF OF GRYFFINDOR FOR…RUNNING INTO ME!" Snape snarled.

"I DON'T THINK THAT IS NECESSARY SEVERUS!" Dumbledore called from his office.

"…ten…points…to…Gryffindor…for…absolutely…nothing," Snape glowered.

Neville was still too scared to smile at the victory so he scurried away to Potions class.

"Hey, where's Snape?" Ron asked loudly as he entered the room after Neville.

"I saw him but he was going the other way," Neville shrugged.

"Ugh…I'm totally dead without that caffeine stuff…" Hermione trudged in with her book bag dragging on the floor.

"Hermione took it the worst," Harry gave a sympathetic look towards her.

"Yeah, yeah blame it all on me!" Hermione snapped.

"But he wasn't blaming-"Neville began.

"Just drop it, she'll bite your head off," Ron put his hand over Neville's mouth.

"You know what; I think I know something that might release some stress 'Mione." Harry got out a rubber band. "Here, whenever you feel like snapping at someone, just snap yourself with it."

And with that he put it on Hermione's arm and snapped it.

"OW!" Hermione yelped. "HOW ABOUT I JUST SNAP YOU WITH IT!"

"Uh-oh, not one of your best ideas mate…" Ron stepped back.

Hermione yanked it off and shot the rubber and at Harry, popping him in his right eye.

Harry immediately fell on his knees as his hands covered his eye in pain. The rubber band was picked up by Neville (to by all means keep it away from Hermione). It was easy to see the red growing around his eye and the tears coming out.

"Whoa mate, that was pretty bad. Are you…crying?" Ron noticed the tears.

"I CAN'T HELP IT, IT'S MY EYE! I CAN'T FEEL IT!" Harry yelled angrily.

"Wow I'm sorry Harry…I didn't mean to hurt you that badly," Hermione calmed down a bit.

"OH REALLY! NOT _THAT_ BADLY! WELL WHAT IF I-"Harry pulled out a rubber band and shot it.

Generally your eyesight is not all that well when you are without an eye, specifically the one you see better out of. But what was fortunate was that it hit neither Ron, Hermione or Neville but rather the person walking in.

And that person was Draco Malfoy.

It actually popped _him_ in the eye (his left eye though) and Draco screamed...like a wuss.

"OW, the ears!" Ron covered his ears from the loud scream.

"MY EYE, MY EYE!" Draco moaned.

"Oh Drakie-Poo what happened!" Pansy rushed into the classroom.

Hermione, Ron and Neville stifled their laughter…along with Harry.

"I'LL GET YOU…wait, who got me with this!" Draco asked furiously.

"It was Pansy," Ron lied.

"It was not!" Pansy shot back with her hands on her hips.

"Well I'll just get Potty for the hell of it," Draco pulled out a rubber band.

"Damn it," Harry cursed.

"Where did he get the rubber band?" Ron wondered aloud.

"It helps relieve stress," Draco snapped.

"SEE!" Harry gestured to Hermione.

"WHAT, SO IF DADDY BOY SAYS IT DOES IT THAT AUTOMATICALLY PROVES THAT IT DOES!" Hermione thundered back.

Ron and Neville took a step back.

Draco, stupidly, took a step forward.

"Look mudblood, anything _I_ say means more than anything that you say." He drawled with a stuck up smirk.

Hermione slowly turned from Harry to Draco.

"Stupid, stupid man," Ron murmured.

"Always was, always will be," Harry sighed in almost sympathy. Almost.

Hermione, being the smarter _and_ more skilled witch easily outweighed Draco in a fight. This was why Draco got out his wand immediately instead of having to waste time doing it while Hermione would have time to cast a spell.

But to his utter surprise she just leaped on him, put him in a head lock, snapped the wand in half and pulled his hair with her free hand.

"OWWWWWWW! YOU CRAZY MUDBLOOD!" Draco yelled.

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME! SAY IT AGAIN YOU –"

--------------------- we now pause this fic for five minutes. -------------------------------

"AND I SWEAR YOU'RE GOING TO PAY YOU –"

--------------------- we now pause this fic for another five minutes ----------------------

And so Hermione ran out of curse words (thank God because our minutes were just running out) and everyone's jaw dropped. Except for Draco because he was in an awkward position.

"That's worse than me…" Ron gaped.

And oh yes, in that entire ten minute rant of immense dirty language, everyone else had entered the room.

"Oh my goodness…so, like, un-lady like!" Lavender shook her head.

"What does extremely bad word that Hermione used mean?" Crabbe asked dumbly.

"Don't say it, dummy!" Goyle smacked him in the head.

"Hey you're the dummy!" Crabbe retorted with a punch to the face.

And so the battle of the idiots began. But the battle of Draco and Hermione was almost over.

You see, Hermione was now bashing Draco's head into the wall.

"We should break them up," Harry hesitated.

"Are you _joking_! This is bloody brilliant! Draco finally getting what he deserves!" Ron began to kneel and pray.

"Well if anything a Slytherin will stop them…if they dare to," Harry looked at the Slytherins.

Apparently the thought of Hermione getting angry at them won over their loyalty to Draco.

But no one had to stop the fight between Draco and Hermione. Well, I don't know if it's considered a fight or a beating. I mean, Hermione was completely beating Draco to a pulp so it wasn't really a fight now, was it? Either way, Professor Snape was not happy when he walked in.

"I leave for _ten_ minutes to buy stupid muggle candy for stupid Dumbledore and I come back and WHAT IS THIS! My students are going crazy! Absolutely crazy! No, I am not crazy. THEY ARE CRAZY." Professor Snape screamed to himself, except it was out loud so everyone heard him.

"No, he is crazy." Ron whispered to Harry.

Harry nodded.

"May I ask, _what_ started this all?" Professor Snape conjured a chair and collapsed on it. He sounded tired, defeated and well all that cruel evil juice had just been sucked out of him.

Draco pointed to Hermione who pointed to Harry who pointed to the rubber band.

Professor Snape took in deep breaths and exhaled slowly. Then, with the last of his energy he shouted,

"NO MORE RUBBER BANDS!"

A/N: I'm sorry to everyone who thought I abandoned this fic! I have truly not abandoned any of them; I have just been taking a long hiatus. But thank you to everyone who reads this, I am truly grateful for your support. I've been working on that story of mine…and it's going pretty well. Two of my friends are going to be my editors.

Hit me with some ideas:) I'm in great need of them.


	31. Water Balloons

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

**Water Balloons**

**By: Helen Li**

**Dedicated to: jrkgirlrox**

It was a very cold day outside Hogwarts. In fact it was _freezing_ and the cold air contaminated Hogwarts like a disease. The school was nearly frozen, but of course the professors changed that with a flick of their wands. However they did not _fix_ the problem.

They charmed their classrooms and the hallways to be warm. A little too warm. In fact, it was burning hot. So, during lunch and before Potions class, Seamus and Dean decided to use their stash of water balloons they had bought from the Weasley twins' joke shop to cool down. Their intentions were _not_ to cause mischief, contrary to popular belief.

But _someone_ saw the two running down to Potions with water balloons and rumors spread quickly of a new prank. As the rest of Snape's students filed in, almost every student's book bag was filled with water balloons. Before Seamus and Dean could stop them, the fight began.

"BALLOON FIGHT!" Goyle yelled as he threw one at Crabbe.

"It's called a _water_ balloon fight you moron!" Draco shouted as he sent one flying at Goyle.

Soon water balloons were flying everywhere.

But being an invention of Fred and George, the water balloons contained, of course, _dreadfully_ cold water. Who would honestly be surprised? Seamus and Dean's plan had foiled for it did not improve the temperature of the room, it only reversed it into the other extreme. In their best efforts they could not stop their classmates from throwing the balloons. Instead, they stood and watched.

"Wow," Seamus stood with his mouth open.

"Dude…" Dean said slowly. "Did we just like, accidentally pull off a huge prank?"

"Yeah, man!" Seamus grinned.

The two were always eager to take credit for a prank; even if most of the time it had actually been planned by them. The water balloon prank was simply given to them on a silver platter. So of course when they were congratulated by classmates, they bowed and accepted the attention.

"Wow mate," Ron said. "This has got to be the most fun I've ever had in this class."

"Yeah a water balloon fight was a brilliant idea," Harry agreed.

"My brothers sure are geniuses," Ron sighed.

But the fun was short lived. Everyone was soon freezing cold, their teeth chattering and bodies shivering. When the complaints began, the two usual pranksters quickly denied ever starting it.

Hermione was one of those that strongly disapproved the "accidental" prank, though she had been against it since the beginning.

"MERLIN'S BEARD," Hermione shrieked. "IT IS ABSOLUTELY FREEZING!"

She turned to Seamus and Dean, standing with guilty looks, and glared at them.

"We swear we didn't mean to do this," Dean said apologetically.

She continued to glare.

"We're…_really, really _sorry," Dean said.

Hermione sent deadly daggers through her stare.

"We're…so sorry…we'll uh," Dean said fearfully.

"We're going to fix it," Seamus promised.

Hermione's stare softened, much to the boys' pleasure.

Hermione wasn't one to trust others with spells she could easy cast herself, but she was furious and wanted _them_ to fix it. Plus she was busy helping others dry themselves with her wand. Well, she was helping most of the class.

"I'm wet!" Pansy whined. "I _hate_ being wet!"

"Then _use_ your wand to _dry_ yourself," Malfoy snapped.

He then caught sight of Hermione and glared at her, daring her to just try and help him. Hermione turned away haughtily, telling herself that helping Malfoy with _anything_ was the last thing she'd ever do.

Though many students dried off, the room temperature was still below zero, and no spell could help keep them warm. (This, of course, was because of the potency of Fred and George's _marvelous_ invention.)

"So what's your plan to fix this?" Dean asked Seamus.

"Uh…we could just...dry the room?" Seamus suggested.

Neither boy was incredibly intelligent.

"Well Hermione's making sure that everything's dry," Dean replied. "And it's still not really helping."

"Okay then, we'll just charm the room to be warm," Seamus said.

"Do you know how to? Because I don't…" Dean said.

"Of course I do," Seamus lied.

And so Seamus cast a spell with no knowledge of what he was doing _just_ as Professor Snape entered the room.

It was perfect timing for him to discover the drastic results.

Contrary to what most people would expect, the room _did_ become warmer. However there was more to the spell.

"What the…" Professor Snape looked around with widened eyes.

It was quite a change. Everyone froze in their positions as they looked around them.

They were standing on a beach of a very small island. The palm trees swayed in the light tropical breeze; the weather was wonderful, absolutely perfect. The entire size of the island was the same as the classroom they had been in, which had probably played in effect when Seamus cast the spell. It was a tiny spot of land, covered in sand and completely surrounded by a brilliant blue ocean.

"Wow," Seamus gaped.

"How the bloody hell did you do that?" Dean's jaw dropped.

Professor Snape, unaware of the water balloon fight, had no idea what had happened. The minute he had walked into the room it had already been transformed into the island.

"Where…what...how…WHERE are we?" Professor Snape was bewildered.

No one had an answer. Well, Seamus and Dean could have given an explanation of how everything began and what had happened, but they weren't dumb enough to turn themselves in. Even if they were dumb enough to cast the spell, they weren't at Crabbe and Goyle's level of stupidity.

No one said anything at first, but then, of course, Hermione Granger had something to say.

"I think we're in the Caribbean," Hermione said slowly as she looked around carefully.

"How can you bloody tell?!" Ron exclaimed. He looked around as well, but was unable to identify anything.

"Actually it's quite simple," Hermione began to explain. She paused momentarily to glare at Ron who had mimicked her saying 'Actually, it's quite simple.' "I was looking around and I saw a pirate ship in the distance."

"Where?" Malfoy panicked. He looked around nervously.

"And _how_ does that confirm that we are in the Caribbean?" Professor Snape asked dryly.

No matter how flustered he was, he still enjoyed putting down Hermione.

"How…how do you know it's a pirate ship?" Malfoy asked fearfully.

"I recognized the ship," Hermione retorted haughtily.

"Bloody hell," Ron gasped. "I recognize it, too…"

Everyone looked in the same direction as Ron.

The ship was still there. Hermione had seen it dive back down under the water. Now it had resurfaced.

"It's Davey Jones's ship!" Pavarti shrieked.

She and Lavender had undoubtedly watched Pirates of the Caribbean countless times, each of them fighting over Captain Jack Sparrow (who wouldn't?). But neither of them liked Davey Jones (who would?) and were dreadfully afraid of him.

"WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!" Ron shouted, his eyes wild.

"Is something wrong?" Harry asked. He had never seen Pirates of the Caribbean, though his cousin had.

"YES SOMETHING IS WRONG!" Ron replied. "THAT IS THE SHIP OF DAVEY JONES! HE…WILL…KILL…US…ALL."

"Or even worse he'll make us _serve him_," Lavender cried out.

The rest of the students began to panic, huddling into two groups (Gryffindor and Slytherin).

"Is he a muggle?" Malfoy asked.

Though it was an important question in the sense that, if Davey Jones did know magic they could be in trouble, but if he didn't they could probably defend themselves, Malfoy only meant it in an I-really-refuse-to-interact-with-muggles way.

"Uh…" Ron began.

"Well…" Pavarti and Lavender thought aloud.

"Actually…" Hermione stammered.

"You guys don't know," Professor Snape said sardonically. "What a surprise."

"It _could_ be a muggle," Hermione tried to answer. "Or…or well, I mean, it's a monster…monster dude thing. It's got like…tentacles and stuff…and…and"

"It's scary," Lavender said solemnly.

"_Really_?" Professor Snape replied sarcastically.

Equipped with his wand, Professor Snape was hardly shaken at all by the presence of some "monster dude thing." And he was rather tired of the subject, knowing that Davey Jones would not stand a chance to him. This was not conceited at all.

"Well I don't care if this thing is a muggle or a wizard. There's nothing to be afraid of. Now I want to know, how did this all start? _Why_ are we on some island in the _Caribbean_?" Professor Snape said.

As usual, everyone stared accusingly, but still with fear in their eyes (Professor Snape's comment had not calmed them down), at the guilty. In this case, the guilty were Seamus and Dean.

"Well…it _was_ really hot," explained Seamus.

"Actually it was too cold, then the teachers made it too hot, then we made it too cold again and so we tried to fix it and…" Dean cut in.

"Elaborate," Professor Snape said in his dangerous I'm-about-to-snap tone.

"There was a water balloon fight," Seamus confessed.

Professor Snape took deep breaths, counting to ten, then twenty, then thirty. Everyone was silent, careful not to set him off.

"How did a water balloon fight lead to this?" Snape said slowly, his eyes closed.

"It made the room awfully cold 'cause it was one of Fred and George's prank water balloons," Seamus replied. "So I tried to make it warm by casting a spell and…"

"That's why we're in the Caribbeans," Professor Snape said through clenched teeth. He sighed and opened his eyes. "I really don't know how you guys manage to screw up spells to create such havoc."

"It's a talent," Seamus shrugged.

It was marvelous indeed that everyone had somehow transported onto an island in the Caribbean. Unfortunately no one knew the counter spell. Seamus had forgot what spell he had said (it was just a bunch of random words), and Professor Snape was, for once, dumbfounded. It _would_ have been a nice vacation for the students if 1. Professor Snape wasn't yelling curse words out of his frustration (although his presence alone ruined the atmosphere) and 2. Davey Jones wasn't coming towards them.

As the ship grew nearer, the students huddled closer. Soon it reached them, and a crewman dropped an anchor. Everyone, except for Professor Snape who was still yelling profanity, screamed.

But it was easy to see that not everyone on the ship would be able to fit on the tiny island. Only one person disembarked the ship and jumped onto the island: Davey Jones.

"Well, well," Davey Jones said with an evil glint in his eyes. "Stranded now, are we?"

"And what in the bloody hell do you care?" Professor Snape's eyes bulged with anger. "Unless you can get us _back_ to Hogwarts, (insert vulgar phrases here)."

Davey Jones raised an eyebrow at Professor Snape's outburst. (Or does Davey even have eyebrows? Perhaps he raised a tentacle then…)

"Actually," Davey Jones said. "I can get you out of here. Your man Dumbledore has sent me a message, ordering me to deliver this package."

He threw the wrapped parcel at Professor Snape.

"He _did_ mention that you had a nasty temper," Davey went on. "Well, I've got some ships to destroy and crewmen to enslave. You better hope I don't see you again."

And with that, Davey Jones said no more as he embarked his ship. It swung around and sailed away.

Professor Snape was too shocked to say anything back to him anyways. He had no idea that Dumbledore was affiliated with the, well, he didn't know if it was a muggle or not.

He unwrapped the package, which happened to be a tissue box, and there was a sticky note on it.

It read:

_Isn't this just brilliant? Sticky notes! I must say, they're rather useful. Especially since I can just _stick_ one on this package!_

_Well I was walking past your room and noticed that someone had cast a rather unique spell that sent you all to the Caribbean. Instead of going through the door only to be stranded with all of you, I sent a portkey to my old friend Davey Jones, instructing him to deliver it to you. You should have about five minutes before it's activated (from opening the package)._

_Toodles!_

Everyone was hovering over Snape, reading the note.

"Whoa," Ron said. "Dumbledore knows Davey Jones?"

Questions filled the air as everyone yearned to know everything from how Dumbledore knew Davey Jones to how he had sent the portkey.

"We'll discuss this after we get back," Professor Snape said through gritted teeth. He was somewhat sane now, knowing that they were saved.

Everyone tried to put their hands on the tissue box, but soon found it was a very cramped and difficult process. Instead, everyone touched the tissue box with their wands.

Well everyone, but one.

Unfortunately Neville was scrambling to get the tip of his wand on the tissue box, but tripped and fell as the portkey was activated. Everyone else was transported back into the Potions room.

Back in the Potions room, everyone began to chatter excitedly about their adventure in the Caribbean, and the mystery behind Dumbledore and Davey Jones. They hadn't realized yet that Neville was missing. And they certainly didn't hear Professor Snape when he yelled at the top of his lungs: "NO MORE WATER BALLOONS!"

A/N: Sorry for the…so very long wait. For those of you who think I've disappeared, I haven't! So many things have changed on though. I just discovered the new review replying thing.

Anyways, I hope you guys haven't given up on me yet. I promise I'm never going to leave for good. I just might have extended periods of absence.


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